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• The Educator's Network

Why Students Don’t Do Their Homework–And What You Can Do About It

What contributes to homework resistance?  How can we better support students in not only completing, but learning from assigned homework?

What To Do When Students Don’t Do Their Homework

by Dr. Jennifer Davis Bowman

‘ That was homework?’

‘That’s due today ?’

‘But… it was the weekend.’

We hear a lot of stuff when students don’t do their homework.  Our cup runneth over with FBI-proof, puppy-dog eyes, procrastinated-filled homework excuses.  What we don’t hear, is the research on how to excuse-proof our classrooms for homework.  It seems, we are in the dark about engaging students in the homework process.  Specifically, what contributes to homework resistance?  How can we better support students in not only completing, but learning (gasp) from assigned homework?

To answer these questions, I examined a number of research articles.  I focused on interviews/surveys with classrooms that struggled with homework completion (to identify triggers).  Also, I used data from classrooms with high homework achievement (to identify habits from the homework pros).   Here are 6 research-backed reasons for why students resist homework- plus tips to help overcome them.

6 Reasons Students Don’t Do Their Homework–And What You Can Do About It

Fact #1 The homework takes too long to complete.

In a study of over 7000 students (average age of 13), questionnaires revealed that when more than 60 minutes of homework is provided, students resisted.  In addition, based on standardized tests, more than 60 minutes of homework, did not significantly impact test scores.

Teaching Tip:  Ask students to record how long it takes to complete homework assignments for one week.  Use the record to negotiate a daily homework completion goal time.  As an acceptable time frame is established, this allows the student to focus more on the task.

Fact #2 The value is misunderstood

Students erroneously believe that homework only has academic value.  In a study of 25 teachers, interviews showed that teachers’ use of homework extended beyond the traditional practice of academic content.  For example, 75% of these teachers report homework as an affective tool (to measure learning motivation, confidence, and ability to take responsibility).

Teaching Tip:  Communicate with students the multiple purposes for homework.  Reveal how homework has both short-term (impact on course grade) and long-term benefits (enhance life skills).  Identify specific long-term homework benefits that students may be unaware of such as organization, time management and goal setting.

Fact #3 The assignment is a one-size fits all.

In a study of 112 undergraduate chemistry students, the learners report interest in different types of homework.  For example 62% of students are satisfied with online assignments (this format provided immediate feedback and allowed multiple attempts), whereas, 41% are satisfied with traditional paper assignments (this format had no computer printing issues and it is a style most familiar).

Teaching Tip:  Assess student learning style with the use of learning inventories.  Differentiate homework to account for student interest and learning preference.  Educator, Carol Tomlinson provides examples of low-prep differentiation assignments that include negotiated criteria, ‘Let’s Make a Deal’ projects, and choices of texts.  As teacher Cathy Vatterott emphasizes in The Five Hallmarks of of Good Homework , consider placing the differentiation responsibility on the learner.  For instance, ask students to ‘create your own method to practice the key terms’.

Fact #4 Feedback is not provided.

Acknowledging homework attempts matter. A survey of 1000 students shows that learners want recognition for attempting and completing homework (versus just getting the homework correct).

Also, students desire praise for their homework effort.  In a study of 180 undergraduate students, almost half of the learners agreed that teacher recognition of ‘doing a good job’ was important to them.

Teaching Tip:  Expand homework evaluation to include points for completing the assignment.  In addition, include homework feedback into lesson plans.  One example is to identify class time to identify homework patterns with the class (student struggles and successes).  Another example, is to give students opportunities to compare their homework answers with a peer (students can correct or change answers while obtaining feedback).

Fact #5 The homework is not built into classroom assessments. 

Students want their homework to prepare them for assessments.  When surveyed, 85% of students report they would complete more homework if the material was used on tests and quizzes.

Teaching Tip:  Allow students to select 1 homework question each unit that they wish to see on the test.  Place student selections in a bowl/lottery and pick a 2-3 of their responses to include in each assessment.

Fact #6 Students don’t have a plan.

It’s unsurprising that making provisions for homework, increases the likelihood that homework is completed.  In interviews with ninth graders, 43% of the students that completed all of their homework indicated that they had a plan.  Their homework plan consisted of the time needed to execute the work, meet deadlines, and follow daily completion routines.  Amazingly, the students with a plan complete homework in spite of their dislike for the assignment.

Teaching Tip:  Help students develop a plan.  For example, you may show examples and non-examples, offer templates for home-work to-do lists, or challenge students to identify phone Apps that help track homework planning procedures.

• Bempechat, J., Li, J., Neier, S. B., Gillis, C. A., & Holloway, S. D. (2011).  The homework experience:  Perceptions of low-income youth.  Journal of Advanced Academics , 22(2).
• Kuklansky, Shosberger, & EsHach (2016). Science teachers’ voice on homework beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors.  International Journal of Science and Mathematics Education , 14(1).
• Letterman, D. (2013).  Students’ perception of homework assignments and what influences their ideas.  Journal of College Teaching and Learning , 10(2).
• Malik, K., Martinez, N., Romero, J., Schubel, S., & , P. A. (2014).  Mixed method study of online and written organic chemistry homework.  Journal of Chemistry Education , 91(11).
• Science Daily (2015).  How Much Math, Science Homework is too Much?
• Vandenbussche, J., Griffiths, W., & Scherrer, C. (2014).  Students’ perception of homework policies in lower and intermediate level mathematic courses.  Mathematics and Computer Education , 48(12).

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• The Journal
• Vol. 19, No. 1

The Case for (Quality) Homework

Janine Bempechat

Any parent who has battled with a child over homework night after night has to wonder: Do those math worksheets and book reports really make a difference to a student’s long-term success? Or is homework just a headache—another distraction from family time and downtime, already diminished by the likes of music and dance lessons, sports practices, and part-time jobs?

Allison, a mother of two middle-school girls from an affluent Boston suburb, describes a frenetic afterschool scenario: “My girls do gymnastics a few days a week, so homework happens for my 6th grader after gymnastics, at 6:30 p.m. She doesn’t get to bed until 9. My 8th grader does her homework immediately after school, up until gymnastics. She eats dinner at 9:15 and then goes to bed, unless there is more homework to do, in which case she’ll get to bed around 10.” The girls miss out on sleep, and weeknight family dinners are tough to swing.

Parental concerns about their children’s homework loads are nothing new. Debates over the merits of homework—tasks that teachers ask students to complete during non-instructional time—have ebbed and flowed since the late 19th century, and today its value is again being scrutinized and weighed against possible negative impacts on family life and children’s well-being.

Are American students overburdened with homework? In some middle-class and affluent communities, where pressure on students to achieve can be fierce, yes. But in families of limited means, it’s often another story. Many low-income parents value homework as an important connection to the school and the curriculum—even as their children report receiving little homework. Overall, high-school students relate that they spend less than one hour per day on homework, on average, and only 42 percent say they do it five days per week. In one recent survey by the National Assessment of Educational Progress (NAEP), a minimal 13 percent of 17-year-olds said they had devoted more than two hours to homework the previous evening (see Figure 1).

Recent years have seen an increase in the amount of homework assigned to students in grades K–2, and critics point to research findings that, at the elementary-school level, homework does not appear to enhance children’s learning. Why, then, should we burden young children and their families with homework if there is no academic benefit to doing it? Indeed, perhaps it would be best, as some propose, to eliminate homework altogether, particularly in these early grades.

On the contrary, developmentally appropriate homework plays a critical role in the formation of positive learning beliefs and behaviors, including a belief in one’s academic ability, a deliberative and effortful approach to mastery, and higher expectations and aspirations for one’s future. It can prepare children to confront ever-more-complex tasks, develop resilience in the face of difficulty, and learn to embrace rather than shy away from challenge. In short, homework is a key vehicle through which we can help shape children into mature learners.

The Homework-Achievement Connection

A narrow focus on whether or not homework boosts grades and test scores in the short run thus ignores a broader purpose in education, the development of lifelong, confident learners. Still, the question looms: does homework enhance academic success? As the educational psychologist Lyn Corno wrote more than two decades ago, “homework is a complicated thing.” Most research on the homework-achievement connection is correlational, which precludes a definitive judgment on its academic benefits. Researchers rely on correlational research in this area of study given the difficulties of randomly assigning students to homework/no-homework conditions. While correlation does not imply causality, extensive research has established that at the middle- and high-school levels, homework completion is strongly and positively associated with high achievement. Very few studies have reported a negative correlation.

As noted above, findings on the homework-achievement connection at the elementary level are mixed. A small number of experimental studies have demonstrated that elementary-school students who receive homework achieve at higher levels than those who do not. These findings suggest a causal relationship, but they are limited in scope. Within the body of correlational research, some studies report a positive homework-achievement connection, some a negative relationship, and yet others show no relationship at all. Why the mixed findings? Researchers point to a number of possible factors, such as developmental issues related to how young children learn, different goals that teachers have for younger as compared to older students, and how researchers define homework.

Certainly, young children are still developing skills that enable them to focus on the material at hand and study efficiently. Teachers’ goals for their students are also quite different in elementary school as compared to secondary school. While teachers at both levels note the value of homework for reinforcing classroom content, those in the earlier grades are more likely to assign homework mainly to foster skills such as responsibility, perseverance, and the ability to manage distractions.

Most research examines homework generally. Might a focus on homework in a specific subject shed more light on the homework-achievement connection? A recent meta-analysis did just this by examining the relationship between math/science homework and achievement. Contrary to previous findings, researchers reported a stronger relationship between homework and achievement in the elementary grades than in middle school. As the study authors note, one explanation for this finding could be that in elementary school, teachers tend to assign more homework in math than in other subjects, while at the same time assigning shorter math tasks more frequently. In addition, the authors point out that parents tend to be more involved in younger children’s math homework and more skilled in elementary-level than middle-school math.

In sum, the relationship between homework and academic achievement in the elementary-school years is not yet established, but eliminating homework at this level would do children and their families a huge disservice: we know that children’s learning beliefs have a powerful impact on their academic outcomes, and that through homework, parents and teachers can have a profound influence on the development of positive beliefs.

How Much Is Appropriate?

Harris M. Cooper of Duke University, the leading researcher on homework, has examined decades of study on what we know about the relationship between homework and scholastic achievement. He has proposed the “10-minute rule,” suggesting that daily homework be limited to 10 minutes per grade level. Thus, a 1st grader would do 10 minutes each day and a 4th grader, 40 minutes. The National Parent Teacher Association and the National Education Association both endorse this guideline, but it is not clear whether the recommended allotments include time for reading, which most teachers want children to do daily.

For middle-school students, Cooper and colleagues report that 90 minutes per day of homework is optimal for enhancing academic achievement, and for high schoolers, the ideal range is 90 minutes to two and a half hours per day. Beyond this threshold, more homework does not contribute to learning. For students enrolled in demanding Advanced Placement or honors courses, however, homework is likely to require significantly more time, leading to concerns over students’ health and well-being.

Notwithstanding media reports of parents revolting against the practice of homework, the vast majority of parents say they are highly satisfied with their children’s homework loads. The National Household Education Surveys Program recently found that between 70 and 83 percent of parents believed that the amount of homework their children had was “about right,” a result that held true regardless of social class, race/ethnicity, community size, level of education, and whether English was spoken at home.

Learning Beliefs Are Consequential

As noted above, developmentally appropriate homework can help children cultivate positive beliefs about learning. Decades of research have established that these beliefs predict the types of tasks students choose to pursue, their persistence in the face of challenge, and their academic achievement. Broadly, learning beliefs fall under the banner of achievement motivation, which is a constellation of cognitive, behavioral, and affective factors, including: the way a person perceives his or her abilities, goal-setting skills, expectation of success, the value the individual places on learning, and self-regulating behavior such as time-management skills. Positive or adaptive beliefs about learning serve as emotional and psychological protective factors for children, especially when they encounter difficulties or failure.

Motivation researcher Carol Dweck of Stanford University posits that children with a “growth mindset”—those who believe that ability is malleable—approach learning very differently than those with a “fixed mindset”—kids who believe ability cannot change. Those with a growth mindset view effort as the key to mastery. They see mistakes as helpful, persist even in the face of failure, prefer challenging over easy tasks, and do better in school than their peers who have a fixed mindset. In contrast, children with a fixed mindset view effort and mistakes as implicit condemnations of their abilities. Such children succumb easily to learned helplessness in the face of difficulty, and they gravitate toward tasks they know they can handle rather than more challenging ones.

Of course, learning beliefs do not develop in a vacuum. Studies have demonstrated that parents and teachers play a significant role in the development of positive beliefs and behaviors, and that homework is a key tool they can use to foster motivation and academic achievement.

Parents’ Beliefs and Actions Matter

It is well established that parental involvement in their children’s education promotes achievement motivation and success in school. Parents are their children’s first teachers, and their achievement-related beliefs have a profound influence on children’s developing perceptions of their own abilities, as well as their views on the value of learning and education.

Parents affect their children’s learning through the messages they send about education, whether by expressing interest in school activities and experiences, attending school events, helping with homework when they can, or exposing children to intellectually enriching experiences. Most parents view such engagement as part and parcel of their role. They also believe that doing homework fosters responsibility and organizational skills, and that doing well on homework tasks contributes to learning, even if children experience frustration from time to time.

Many parents provide support by establishing homework routines, eliminating distractions, communicating expectations, helping children manage their time, providing reassuring messages, and encouraging kids to be aware of the conditions under which they do their best work. These supports help foster the development of self-regulation, which is critical to school success.

Self-regulation involves a number of skills, such as the ability to monitor one’s performance and adjust strategies as a result of feedback; to evaluate one’s interests and realistically perceive one’s aptitude; and to work on a task autonomously. It also means learning how to structure one’s environment so that it’s conducive to learning, by, for example, minimizing distractions. As children move into higher grades, these skills and strategies help them organize, plan, and learn independently. This is precisely where parents make a demonstrable difference in students’ attitudes and approaches to homework.

Especially in the early grades, homework gives parents the opportunity to cultivate beliefs and behaviors that foster efficient study skills and academic resilience. Indeed, across age groups, there is a strong and positive relationship between homework completion and a variety of self-regulatory processes. However, the quality of parental help matters. Sometimes, well-intentioned parents can unwittingly undermine the development of children’s positive learning beliefs and their achievement. Parents who maintain a positive outlook on homework and allow their children room to learn and struggle on their own, stepping in judiciously with informational feedback and hints, do their children a much better service than those who seek to control the learning process.

A recent study of 5th and 6th graders’ perceptions of their parents’ involvement with homework distinguished between supportive and intrusive help. The former included the belief that parents encouraged the children to try to find the right answer on their own before providing them with assistance, and when the child struggled, attempted to understand the source of the confusion. In contrast, the latter included the perception that parents provided unsolicited help, interfered when the children did their homework, and told them how to complete their assignments. Supportive help predicted higher achievement, while intrusive help was associated with lower achievement.

Parents’ attitudes and emotions during homework time can support the development of positive attitudes and approaches in their children, which in turn are predictive of higher achievement. Children are more likely to focus on self-improvement during homework time and do better in school when their parents are oriented toward mastery. In contrast, if parents focus on how well children are doing relative to peers, kids tend to adopt learning goals that allow them to avoid challenge.

Homework and Social Class

Social class is another important element in the homework dynamic. What is the homework experience like for families with limited time and resources? And what of affluent families, where resources are plenty but the pressures to succeed are great?

Etta Kralovec and John Buell, authors of The End of Homework, maintain that homework “punishes the poor,” because lower-income parents may not be as well educated as their affluent counterparts and thus not as well equipped to help with homework. Poorer families also have fewer financial resources to devote to home computers, tutoring, and academic enrichment. The stresses of poverty—and work schedules—may impinge, and immigrant parents may face language barriers and an unfamiliarity with the school system and teachers’ expectations.

Yet research shows that low-income parents who are unable to assist with homework are far from passive in their children’s learning, and they do help foster scholastic performance. In fact, parental help with homework is not a necessary component for school success.

Brown University’s Jin Li queried low-income Chinese American 9th graders’ perceptions of their parents’ engagement with their education. Students said their immigrant parents rarely engaged in activities that are known to foster academic achievement, such as monitoring homework, checking it for accuracy, or attending school meetings or events. Instead, parents of higher achievers built three social networks to support their children’s learning. They designated “anchor” helpers both inside and outside the family who provided assistance; identified peer models for their children to emulate; and enlisted the assistance of extended kin to guide their children’s educational socialization. In a related vein, a recent analysis of survey data showed that Asian and Latino 5th graders, relative to native-born peers, were more likely to turn to siblings than parents for homework help.

Further, research demonstrates that low-income parents, recognizing that they lack the time to be in the classroom or participate in school governance, view homework as a critical connection to their children’s experiences in school. One study found that mothers enjoyed the routine and predictability of homework and used it as a way to demonstrate to children how to plan their time. Mothers organized homework as a family activity, with siblings doing homework together and older children reading to younger ones. In this way, homework was perceived as a collective practice wherein siblings could model effective habits and learn from one another.

In another recent study, researchers examined mathematics achievement in low-income 8th-grade Asian and Latino students. Help with homework was an advantage their mothers could not provide. They could, however, furnish structure (for example, by setting aside quiet time for homework completion), and it was this structure that most predicted high achievement. As the authors note, “It is . . . important to help [low-income] parents realize that they can still help their children get good grades in mathematics and succeed in school even if they do not know how to provide direct assistance with their child’s mathematics homework.”

The homework narrative at the other end of the socioeconomic continuum is altogether different. Media reports abound with examples of students, mostly in high school, carrying three or more hours of homework per night, a burden that can impair learning, motivation, and well-being. In affluent communities, students often experience intense pressure to cultivate a high-achieving profile that will be attractive to elite colleges. Heavy homework loads have been linked to unhealthy symptoms such as heightened stress, anxiety, physical complaints, and sleep disturbances. Like Allison’s 6th grader mentioned earlier, many students can only tackle their homework after they do extracurricular activities, which are also seen as essential for the college résumé. Not surprisingly, many students in these communities are not deeply engaged in learning; rather, they speak of “doing school,” as Stanford researcher Denise Pope has described, going through the motions necessary to excel, and undermining their physical and mental health in the process.

Fortunately, some national intervention initiatives, such as Challenge Success (co-founded by Pope), are heightening awareness of these problems. Interventions aimed at restoring balance in students’ lives (in part, by reducing homework demands) have resulted in students reporting an increased sense of well-being, decreased stress and anxiety, and perceptions of greater support from teachers, with no decrease in achievement outcomes.

What is good for this small segment of students, however, is not necessarily good for the majority. As Jessica Lahey wrote in Motherlode, a New York Times parenting blog, “homework is a red herring” in the national conversation on education. “Some otherwise privileged children may have too much, but the real issue lies in places where there is too little. . . . We shouldn’t forget that.”

My colleagues and I analyzed interviews conducted with lower-income 9th graders (African American, Mexican American, and European American) from two Northern California high schools that at the time were among the lowest-achieving schools in the state. We found that these students consistently described receiving minimal homework—perhaps one or two worksheets or textbook pages, the occasional project, and 30 minutes of reading per night. Math was the only class in which they reported having homework each night. These students noted few consequences for not completing their homework.

Indeed, greatly reducing or eliminating homework would likely increase, not diminish, the achievement gap. As Harris M. Cooper has commented, those choosing to opt their children out of homework are operating from a place of advantage. Children in higher-income families benefit from many privileges, including exposure to a larger range of language at home that may align with the language of school, access to learning and cultural experiences, and many other forms of enrichment, such as tutoring and academic summer camps, all of which may be cost-prohibitive for lower-income families. But for the 21 percent of the school-age population who live in poverty—nearly 11 million students ages 5–17—homework is one tool that can help narrow the achievement gap.

Community and School Support

Often, community organizations and afterschool programs can step up to provide structure and services that students’ need to succeed at homework. For example, Boys and Girls and 4-H clubs offer volunteer tutors as well as access to computer technology that students may not have at home. Many schools provide homework clubs or integrate homework into the afterschool program.

Home-school partnerships have succeeded in engaging parents with homework and significantly improving their children’s academic achievement. For example, Joyce Epstein of Johns Hopkins University has developed the TIPS model (Teachers Involve Parents in Schoolwork), which embraces homework as an integral part of family time. TIPS is a teacher-designed interactive program in which children and a parent or family member each have a specific role in the homework scenario. For example, children might show the parent how to do a mathematics task on fractions, explaining their reasoning along the way and reviewing their thinking aloud if they are unsure.

Evaluations show that elementary and middle-school students in classrooms that have adopted TIPS complete more of their homework than do students in other classrooms. Both students and parent participants show more positive beliefs about learning mathematics, and TIPS students show significant gains in writing skills and report-card science grades, as well as higher mathematics scores on standardized tests.

Another study found that asking teachers to send text messages to parents about their children’s missing homework resulted in increased parental monitoring of homework, consequences for missed assignments, and greater participation in parent-child conferences. Teachers reported fewer missed assignments and greater student effort in coursework, and math grades and GPA significantly improved.

Homework Quality Matters

Teachers favor homework for a number of reasons. They believe it fosters a sense of responsibility and promotes academic achievement. They note that homework provides valuable review and practice for students while giving teachers feedback on areas where students may need more support. Finally, teachers value homework as a way to keep parents connected to the school and their children’s educational experiences.

While students, to say the least, may not always relish the idea of doing homework, by high school most come to believe there is a positive relationship between doing homework and doing well in school. Both higher and lower achievers lament “busywork” that doesn’t promote learning. They crave high-quality, challenging assignments—and it is this kind of homework that has been associated with higher achievement.

What constitutes high-quality homework? Assignments that are developmentally appropriate and meaningful and that promote self-efficacy and self-regulation. Meaningful homework is authentic, allowing students to engage in solving problems with real-world relevance. More specifically, homework tasks should make efficient use of student time and have a clear purpose connected to what they are learning. An artistic rendition of a period in history that would take hours to complete can become instead a diary entry in the voice of an individual from that era. By allowing a measure of choice and autonomy in homework, teachers foster in their students a sense of ownership, which bolsters their investment in the work.

High-quality homework also fosters students’ perceptions of their own competence by 1) focusing them on tasks they can accomplish without help; 2) differentiating tasks so as to allow struggling students to experience success; 3) providing suggested time frames rather than a fixed period of time in which a task should be completed; 4) delivering clearly and carefully explained directions; and 5) carefully modeling methods for attacking lengthy or complex tasks. Students whose teachers have trained them to adopt strategies such as goal setting, self-monitoring, and planning develop a number of personal assets—improved time management, increased self-efficacy, greater effort and interest, a desire for mastery, and a decrease in helplessness.

Excellence with Equity

Currently, the United States has the second-highest disparity between time spent on homework by students of low socioeconomic status and time spent by their more-affluent peers out of the 34 OECD-member nations participating in the 2012 Program for International Student Assessment (PISA) (see Figure 2). Noting that PISA studies have consistently found that spending more time on math homework strongly correlates with higher academic achievement, the report’s authors suggest that the homework disparity may reflect lower teacher expectations for low-income students. If so, this is truly unfortunate. In and of itself, low socioeconomic status is not an impediment to academic achievement when appropriate parental, school, and community supports are deployed. As research makes clear, low-income parents support their children’s learning in varied ways, not all of which involve direct assistance with schoolwork. Teachers can orient students and parents toward beliefs that foster positive attitudes toward learning. Indeed, where homework is concerned, a commitment to excellence with equity is both worthwhile and attainable.

In affluent communities, parents, teachers, and school districts might consider reexamining the meaning of academic excellence and placing more emphasis on leading a balanced and well-rounded life. The homework debate in the United States has been dominated by concerns over the health and well-being of such advantaged students. As legitimate as these worries are, it’s important to avoid generalizing these children’s experiences to those with fewer family resources. Reducing or eliminating homework, though it may be desirable in some advantaged communities, would deprive poorer children of a crucial and empowering learning experience. It would also eradicate a fertile opportunity to help close the achievement gap.

Janine Bempechat is clinical professor of human development at the Boston University Wheelock College of Education and Human Development.

An unabridged version of this article is available here .

For more, please see “ The Top 20 Education Next Articles of 2023 .”

This article appeared in the Winter 2019 issue of Education Next . Suggested citation format:

Bempechat, J. (2019). The Case for (Quality) Homework: Why it improves learning, and how parents can help . Education Next, 19 (1), 36-43.

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Stop Making These 11 Homework Excuses: Solutions for Students

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Homework is an integral part of a student’s academic journey, yet it often becomes a source of stress and excuses. From the classic “I forgot” to more creative claims like “the dog ate it,” these excuses can hinder a student’s progress and academic success . This guide aims to address the most common homework excuses and provide practical solutions for students to overcome them. By fostering effective strategies , enhancing time management skills, building a supportive environment, and encouraging self-motivation, students can turn their homework challenges into opportunities for growth and success.

Common homework excuses not only affect academic performance but also erode the trust between students and educators. Understanding the reasons behind these excuses is the first step in addressing them. Whether it’s forgetting an assignment, lacking necessary supplies, or feeling overwhelmed by other responsibilities, each excuse has a solution. By exploring these excuses in detail, we can uncover the underlying issues and provide actionable strategies to resolve them.

Developing a homework routine is crucial for consistency and success. A dedicated workspace, breaking down assignments into manageable tasks, and utilizing organizational tools can make homework less daunting. Additionally, enhancing time management skills through prioritization, using planners, and setting realistic deadlines can prevent excuses related to time constraints and procrastination.

Building a support system is equally important. Effective communication with teachers, collaboration with classmates, and involvement of parents and guardians can provide the necessary support and encouragement. Accessing school resources and seeking help when needed ensures that students are never alone in their academic journey.

Self-motivation and accountability are key to overcoming homework excuses. Setting personal goals , rewarding progress, reflecting on the consequences of incomplete homework, and developing a growth mindset can transform a student’s approach to assignments. Real-life examples and success stories will illustrate how these strategies have helped other students turn their excuses into achievements.

Common Homework Excuses and Their Impact

Homework excuses are as varied as the students who make them. While they might seem trivial or humorous at times, these excuses can have significant impacts on a student’s academic performance and their relationship with teachers and parents. Understanding these excuses and their implications is the first step toward finding effective solutions. Here, we explore the most common homework excuses and the effects they can have.

“I Forgot”

One of the most common excuses, “I forgot,” often stems from a lack of organization or time management skills. This excuse can lead to a pattern of missed assignments, lowering grades and creating a negative feedback loop. Teachers may start to perceive the student as unreliable, which can affect their willingness to provide additional support.

“The Dog Ate It”

A classic excuse, “the dog ate it,” is often used humorously, but it signifies a lack of accountability. While it might be accepted as a one-off joke, repeated use can undermine a student’s credibility and foster a habit of evading responsibility. This can damage the trust between the student and their teacher.

“I Didn’t Understand the Assignment”

This excuse indicates a deeper issue with comprehension or a fear of seeking help. It can lead to incomplete or incorrect assignments and reflect a gap in the student’s learning. Over time, this can result in a significant decline in academic performance and confidence.

“I Had Too Much Other Work”

Balancing multiple assignments can be challenging, and “I had too much other work” highlights the need for better time management. This excuse can indicate an overwhelmed student who might need help prioritizing tasks. Persistent use of this excuse can lead to incomplete homework and stress.

“I Was Too Tired”

“I was too tired” often points to poor time management or excessive extracurricular commitments. This excuse can affect a student’s ability to engage fully with their studies and lead to a cycle of fatigue and underperformance.

“I Didn’t Have the Right Supplies”

Lack of preparation is at the core of this excuse. “I didn’t have the right supplies” can highlight a need for better planning and organization. This excuse can result in incomplete or poorly executed assignments, impacting grades and learning outcomes.

“I Was Sick”

While being sick is a legitimate reason for missing homework, it can sometimes be used as a convenient excuse. Frequent use can lead to missed learning opportunities and a backlog of assignments, making it harder for the student to catch up.

“I Had a Family Emergency”

Family emergencies are serious and valid reasons for not completing homework. However, if used frequently, it can raise concerns about the student’s home environment and require additional support from the school.

“I Left It at School”

This excuse often highlights a lack of organization and responsibility. Leaving homework at school can result in missed deadlines and incomplete assignments, which can negatively affect academic performance and teacher perceptions.

“I Didn’t Think It Was Due Yet”

Misunderstanding deadlines is a common issue that can lead to late submissions and lower grades. “I didn’t think it was due yet” underscores the importance of tracking due dates and understanding assignment timelines.

“My Computer Crashed”

Technical issues are increasingly common with the reliance on digital assignments. “My computer crashed” is a valid excuse but can also be mitigated by backing up work and using reliable technology. Frequent use of this excuse may require a discussion about access to resources and technical support.

Impact of Homework Excuses

These excuses, while varied, share a common theme: they impede academic progress and erode trust between students and educators. Repeated excuses can lead to:

• Lower Grades: Consistent failure to complete assignments can significantly impact a student’s overall grade.
• Increased Stress: Falling behind on homework creates a backlog, leading to stress and anxiety for the student.
• Damaged Relationships: Persistent excuses can strain relationships with teachers and parents, reducing the student’s support system.
• Lost Learning Opportunities: Incomplete homework means missing out on crucial practice and reinforcement of classroom learning.
• Erosion of Accountability: Relying on excuses fosters a lack of responsibility and accountability, which can affect future academic and professional endeavors.

Effective Strategies to Overcome Homework Excuses

Addressing the root causes of homework excuses requires a combination of organizational skills, proactive planning, and a supportive environment. Implementing effective strategies can help students manage their time better, stay motivated, and take responsibility for their assignments. Here are practical solutions to overcome the most common homework excuses.

Developing a Homework Routine

A consistent homework routine is essential for creating structure and reducing the likelihood of excuses. Setting a specific time each day dedicated to homework helps establish a habit and makes it easier to keep track of assignments.

• Set a Regular Schedule: Determine a specific time for homework each day that fits within the student’s overall schedule. Consistency helps in forming a habit and reduces the chances of forgetting assignments.
• Create a To-Do List: At the beginning of each session, make a list of tasks to be completed. Prioritize assignments based on due dates and difficulty.
• Incorporate Breaks: Breaks are crucial for maintaining focus and productivity. Use techniques like the Pomodoro method, which involves working for 25 minutes followed by a 5-minute break.

Creating a Productive Workspace

A designated homework area can significantly impact a student’s ability to concentrate and complete assignments efficiently. The workspace should be free from distractions and equipped with all necessary supplies.

• Choose a Quiet Space: Select a quiet area of the home where interruptions are minimal. This space should be reserved exclusively for studying to create a clear association between the environment and the task.
• Organize Supplies: Ensure that all necessary materials, such as books, stationery, and a computer, are readily available. This reduces the time spent searching for items and minimizes disruptions.
• Minimize Distractions: Keep electronic devices like phones and tablets out of reach unless they are needed for homework. Consider using apps or browser extensions that block distracting websites during homework time.

Breaking Down Assignments into Manageable Tasks

Large assignments can be overwhelming, leading to procrastination and excuses. Breaking them down into smaller, more manageable tasks makes them less daunting and easier to tackle.

• Segment Tasks: Divide homework into smaller tasks or steps. For example, a research paper can be broken down into stages such as researching, outlining, drafting, and revising.
• Set Mini-Deadlines: Assign deadlines for each smaller task. This approach helps maintain steady progress and prevents last-minute cramming.
• Track Progress: Use a planner or digital tool to track completed tasks and upcoming deadlines. This visual representation of progress can be motivating.

Utilizing Organizational Tools and Apps

Technology offers numerous tools to help students stay organized and manage their homework effectively. These tools can provide reminders, track deadlines, and offer a centralized place for all assignments.

• Use a Digital Planner: Apps like Google Calendar, Todoist, or Trello can help students keep track of assignments, deadlines, and study schedules.
• Set Reminders: Digital reminders and notifications ensure that students don’t forget about their homework. These can be set for daily study times or specific assignment deadlines.
• Collaborate Online: Tools like Google Docs or Microsoft OneDrive allow for easy collaboration on group projects and provide a platform for students to share resources and information.

Seeking Help When Needed

Understanding when and how to seek help is crucial in overcoming excuses related to difficulty or misunderstanding of assignments. Encouraging students to ask for help can prevent frustration and incomplete homework.

• Communicate with Teachers: Encourage students to ask questions in class or seek clarification from teachers when they don’t understand an assignment. Many teachers are available for additional help during office hours or through email.
• Form Study Groups: Working with peers can provide additional perspectives and explanations that make difficult concepts easier to understand.
• Utilize Online Resources: Websites like Khan Academy, Coursera, and educational YouTube channels offer tutorials and explanations on a wide range of subjects. These resources can supplement classroom learning and clarify challenging topics.

By implementing these effective strategies, students can overcome common homework excuses and develop habits that promote academic success. A structured routine, productive workspace, manageable task segmentation, organizational tools, and seeking help when needed form a comprehensive approach to tackling homework efficiently. In the following sections, we will explore how enhancing time management skills, building a support system, and encouraging self-motivation can further empower students to take control of their academic responsibilities.

Enhancing Time Management Skills

Time management is a critical skill for students to master, as it helps them balance their academic responsibilities with extracurricular activities and personal life. Effective time management minimizes the stress of last-minute work and reduces the need for excuses. Here are strategies to enhance time management skills:

Prioritizing Tasks

Prioritizing tasks ensures that the most important and urgent assignments are completed first. This method helps students manage their workload more efficiently and prevents the accumulation of unfinished work.

• Identify Important Tasks: Use the Eisenhower Matrix to categorize tasks based on their urgency and importance. Focus on completing tasks that are both urgent and important first.
• Rank Assignments: Assign a priority level to each homework task. For example, rank assignments as high, medium, or low priority based on their due dates and difficulty.
• Review and Adjust: Regularly review and adjust priorities as new tasks arise and deadlines approach. This flexibility ensures that students stay on top of their workload.

Using a Planner or Calendar

A planner or calendar helps students visualize their schedule and keep track of assignments, tests, and deadlines. This tool is essential for managing time effectively.

• Daily and Weekly Planning: Use a planner to outline daily and weekly tasks. Include specific time slots for each assignment, study session, and break.
• Set Reminders: Digital planners often come with reminder features. Set reminders for upcoming deadlines and study sessions to ensure nothing is overlooked.
• Plan for Long-Term Projects: Break down long-term projects into smaller tasks and schedule them over several weeks. This approach prevents last-minute rushes and allows for steady progress.

Avoiding Procrastination Techniques

Procrastination is a common barrier to effective time management. Identifying and avoiding procrastination techniques can help students stay focused and productive.

• Set Clear Goals: Define clear and achievable goals for each study session. Having specific targets helps maintain focus and motivation.
• Limit Distractions: Identify and minimize common distractions, such as social media, video games, and TV. Use apps like Freedom or StayFocusd to block distracting websites during study time.
• Use the Pomodoro Technique: Work in short, focused intervals (usually 25 minutes), followed by a short break. This method helps maintain concentration and reduces the tendency to procrastinate.

Setting Realistic Deadlines

Setting realistic deadlines for each task helps students manage their time effectively and reduces the stress of last-minute work.

• Estimate Time Accurately: Estimate how long each task will take and set deadlines accordingly. Allow extra time for challenging assignments or potential obstacles.
• Avoid Overcommitting: Be realistic about the amount of work that can be accomplished in a given time frame. Overcommitting can lead to burnout and unfinished tasks.
• Track Progress: Monitor progress regularly to ensure that deadlines are being met. Adjust timelines as necessary to stay on track.

Enhancing time management skills is essential for academic success and reducing the reliance on homework excuses. By prioritizing tasks, using planners or calendars, avoiding procrastination techniques, and setting realistic deadlines, students can manage their workload more effectively. These strategies not only help in completing assignments on time but also reduce stress and improve overall productivity.

Building a Support System

A strong support system can make a significant difference in a student’s ability to manage their homework effectively. Support from teachers, classmates, parents, and school resources can provide the encouragement and assistance needed to overcome challenges and stay on track. Here’s how to build a robust support system:

Communicating with Teachers

Effective communication with teachers is crucial for understanding assignments, clarifying doubts, and seeking additional help when needed.

• Ask Questions: Encourage students to ask questions in class or during office hours. Understanding the assignment fully prevents confusion and excuses related to misunderstanding the task.
• Request Feedback: Regular feedback on assignments can help students identify areas for improvement and stay motivated.
• Stay Informed: Keep up with any changes in assignment deadlines or requirements by maintaining open communication with teachers.

Collaborating with Classmates

Collaborating with peers can provide additional perspectives and support, making homework less daunting and more manageable.

• Form Study Groups: Small study groups can offer mutual support, share resources, and provide different approaches to solving problems.
• Share Resources: Encourage sharing notes, study guides, and online resources. Collaboration can fill knowledge gaps and enhance understanding.
• Peer Tutoring: If a student excels in a particular subject, they can help classmates who struggle with that subject, and vice versa. Peer tutoring is beneficial for both the tutor and the student receiving help.

Involving Parents and Guardians

Parental involvement can provide additional support and accountability for students. Parents can help in creating a conducive study environment and encouraging positive study habits.

• Monitor Progress: Parents can regularly check in on their child’s progress and help them stay organized.
• Provide Resources: Ensure that the student has access to all necessary supplies and resources for completing homework.
• Encourage Responsibility: While support is important, it’s also crucial for students to take ownership of their work. Parents can guide without micromanaging, fostering independence .

Accessing School Resources

Schools often provide various resources that can help students with their homework. Utilizing these resources can offer additional support and enhance learning.

• Tutoring Centers: Many schools offer after-school tutoring programs. Encourage students to take advantage of these opportunities for extra help.
• Library Resources: School libraries often have resources, including books, online databases, and quiet study areas. Librarians can also assist with finding materials.
• Counseling Services: School counselors can provide support for students facing academic or personal challenges that affect their homework performance. They can offer strategies for managing stress and improving study habits.

Building a strong support system is vital for helping students overcome homework excuses and succeed academically. Through effective communication with teachers, collaboration with classmates, involvement of parents, and utilization of school resources, students can access the support they need to manage their assignments effectively.

Encouraging Self-Motivation and Accountability

Self-motivation and accountability are crucial for students to take ownership of their learning and consistently complete their homework. By fostering an environment that encourages goal setting , self-reflection, and personal growth, students can develop the intrinsic motivation needed to overcome excuses and achieve academic success.

Setting Personal Goals

Personal goals give students a sense of direction and purpose, making homework feel more meaningful and less burdensome.

• SMART Goals: Encourage students to set Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound (SMART) goals. For example, “Complete all math assignments by Thursday evening” is a SMART goal that is clear and achievable.
• Short-term and Long-term Goals: Help students differentiate between short-term goals (e.g., finishing today’s homework) and long-term goals (e.g., improving math grades by the end of the semester). Both types are important for maintaining motivation.
• Review and Adjust Goals: Regularly review goals with students and adjust them as needed. This keeps goals relevant and achievable, maintaining the student’s motivation.

Rewarding Progress and Achievements

Rewards can be powerful motivators, especially when they are meaningful and aligned with the student’s interests.

• Immediate Rewards: Offer small, immediate rewards for completing homework tasks, such as a favorite snack or a short break.
• Long-term Rewards: Provide larger rewards for achieving bigger goals, such as a fun outing or a special treat. This helps students see the value in sustained effort and progress.
• Intrinsic Rewards: Encourage students to find intrinsic rewards in their work, such as the satisfaction of understanding a new concept or the pride in finishing a challenging assignment.

Reflecting on Consequences of Not Completing Homework

Understanding the negative consequences of not completing homework can help students see the importance of staying on track.

• Academic Consequences: Discuss how missing homework can affect grades and overall academic performance. Understanding this can motivate students to complete their assignments.
• Personal Consequences: Reflect on how incomplete homework can lead to stress, guilt, and a lack of progress toward personal goals. Personalizing the consequences makes them more relatable.
• Future Implications: Highlight how good homework habits can positively impact future academic and career opportunities. Developing responsibility and work ethic are skills that benefit students beyond school.

Developing a Growth Mindset

A growth mindset, the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed through hard work and dedication , is essential for overcoming challenges and staying motivated.

• Embrace Challenges: Encourage students to see challenges as opportunities for growth rather than obstacles. This perspective reduces fear of failure and promotes perseverance.
• Learn from Mistakes: Teach students to view mistakes as learning experiences. Reflecting on what went wrong and how to improve fosters resilience and continuous improvement.
• Celebrate Effort and Progress: Focus on the effort and progress made, rather than just the final outcome. Recognizing improvement, even if small, encourages a positive attitude towards learning.

Encouraging self-motivation and accountability helps students take control of their academic responsibilities and reduces reliance on homework excuses. By setting personal goals, rewarding progress, reflecting on the consequences of incomplete homework, and developing a growth mindset, students can cultivate the intrinsic motivation needed for sustained academic success.

Real-Life Examples and Success Stories

Real-life examples and success stories can provide inspiration and practical insights for students struggling with homework excuses. These stories illustrate how others have overcome similar challenges and achieved academic success through perseverance, effective strategies, and support systems .

Overcoming Procrastination

Case Study: Emily’s Transformation

Emily was a high school student who frequently procrastinated on her homework, often making excuses like “I’ll do it later” or “I’m too tired right now.” Her grades began to suffer, and she felt overwhelmed by the mounting assignments.

• Strategy Implemented: Emily started using the Pomodoro Technique, working in focused 25-minute intervals followed by 5-minute breaks. She also began setting daily and weekly goals using a planner.
• Outcome: By breaking her work into manageable chunks and maintaining a consistent schedule, Emily significantly reduced her procrastination. Her grades improved, and she felt more in control of her workload. She also developed a sense of accomplishment after each productive session.

Turning Around Academic Performance

Case Study: Alex’s Academic Comeback

Alex struggled with low grades and a lack of motivation. He often used excuses like “I didn’t understand the assignment” and “I had too much other work.” His teachers and parents were concerned about his academic future.

• Strategy Implemented: Alex started attending after-school tutoring sessions and formed a study group with friends. He also set specific academic goals and tracked his progress.
• Outcome: With the extra support and structured approach, Alex’s understanding of the material improved. His grades began to rise, and he regained confidence in his academic abilities. The collaborative environment of the study group also provided accountability and encouragement.

Balancing Extracurricular Activities and Homework

Case Study: Jessica’s Balanced Schedule

Jessica was an active student involved in sports and various extracurricular activities. She often found herself overwhelmed with homework, leading to excuses like “I had practice” or “I was too busy with other activities.”

• Strategy Implemented: Jessica created a detailed weekly schedule that included dedicated homework time around her extracurricular commitments. She prioritized tasks using the Eisenhower Matrix and used a digital planner to stay organized.
• Outcome: By managing her time more effectively, Jessica was able to balance her schoolwork and extracurricular activities. She completed her assignments on time and continued to excel in her sports and other interests. Her structured approach also reduced stress and improved her overall well-being.

Testimonials from Students

Testimonial: Sarah’s Journey to Self-Motivation

“I used to make excuses for not doing my homework, like saying I was too tired or didn’t have the right supplies. But then I started setting small, achievable goals and rewarding myself for completing tasks. I also began using a planner to keep track of my assignments. Now, I feel more motivated and less stressed. My grades have improved, and I’ve developed a positive attitude towards my studies.”

Testimonial: Michael’s Accountability Boost

“Joining a study group was a game-changer for me. I used to skip homework and come up with all sorts of excuses. But working with my peers, we kept each other accountable. We shared resources and helped each other understand difficult concepts. It made homework less of a chore and more of a collaborative effort. My performance in school has never been better.”

Real-life examples and success stories show that overcoming homework excuses is possible with the right strategies and support. These stories of transformation highlight the importance of time management, goal setting, collaboration, and self-motivation. By implementing these proven techniques, students can tackle their homework challenges, improve their academic performance, and build skills that will benefit them throughout their educational journey and beyond.

Overcoming homework excuses is a crucial step in fostering academic success and personal growth in students. By addressing the root causes of these excuses and implementing practical solutions, students can develop the skills and habits necessary for effective learning. This comprehensive guide has explored various strategies to help students stop making homework excuses and start achieving their academic potential.

First, we examined the most common homework excuses and their impact on academic performance and relationships with teachers and parents. Understanding these excuses and the underlying issues is essential for finding effective solutions.

We then discussed practical strategies to overcome these excuses, including developing a homework routine, creating a productive workspace, breaking down assignments into manageable tasks, utilizing organizational tools, and seeking help when needed. These strategies provide a structured approach to managing homework effectively.

Enhancing time management skills was another key focus. By prioritizing tasks, using planners or calendars, avoiding procrastination techniques, and setting realistic deadlines, students can better manage their time and reduce stress.

Building a support system is also vital. Effective communication with teachers, collaboration with classmates, involvement of parents and guardians, and accessing school resources all provide the necessary support for students to succeed.

Encouraging self-motivation and accountability helps students take ownership of their learning. Setting personal goals, rewarding progress, reflecting on the consequences of not completing homework, and developing a growth mindset are all strategies that foster intrinsic motivation.

Real-life examples and success stories illustrated how these strategies can be successfully implemented, providing inspiration and practical insights for students facing similar challenges. These stories showed that overcoming homework excuses is possible with the right support and strategies.

Finally, integrating positive reinforcement into daily life can further support students in developing effective homework habits. Creating a positive home environment, using reinforcement strategies in school, and incorporating rewards into extracurricular activities all contribute to a supportive and motivating environment.

Call to Action

Parents, take the next step in supporting your teen’s academic journey by joining our free Facebook group community. Connect with other parents, share experiences, and gain access to valuable resources and advice.

Learn more about The Attitude Advantage Program and how it can help your teen develop the skills they need to succeed. Visit our website to find out more and get involved today!

Together, we can make a difference in your teen’s academic and personal growth. Let’s stop the excuses and start building a brighter future!

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Adolescence

How to Help a Teen Out of a Homework Hole

The more students fall behind in the pandemic, the less likely they are to feel that they can catch up.

By Lisa Damour

Pandemic school is taking its toll on students, especially teens. A recent study , conducted by NBC News and Challenge Success, a nonprofit affiliated with the Stanford Graduate School of Education, found that 50 percent more kids in high school report feeling disengaged from school this year than last. In December, Education Week reported that schools were seeing “ dramatic increases in the number of failing or near-failing grades ” on report cards.

A major symptom of school disengagement is not turning in homework, a problem that can easily snowball. The further students fall behind, the more overwhelmed they often become and the less likely they are to feel that they can catch up .

The good news is that finding out about missing homework is a first step to helping kids get back on track. You just need to keep a few considerations in mind.

Empathy will get you further than anger

At this point in the pandemic, finding out that your child has let schoolwork slide may trigger an angry response. Everyone is worn down by the demands of pandemic life and many parents are already operating on their last nerve . Getting mad, however, is likely to cause kids to adopt a defensive or minimizing stance. Instead, try to be compassionate. What students who have fallen behind need most are problem-solving partners who want to understand what they are going through.

If you’re having trouble summoning your empathy, bear in mind that there are many good reasons a student could fall off pace this year. For instance, Ned Johnson, a professional tutor and co-author of the book “The Self-Driven Child,” noted that most teens have very little experience managing email, which is now a main source of information for those in remote or hybrid arrangements. “We know how overwhelmed we as adults are by email. Imagine not being comfortable with it, and then suddenly getting everything — from Zoom links to assignments — that way.”

Some students learning remotely may also have unreliable broadband service; others may miss key information because their attention is split between the teacher on the screen and distractions at home.

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‘There’s only so far I can take them’ – why teachers give up on struggling students who don’t do their homework

Assistant Professor of Sociology, Indiana University

Professor of Mathematics Education, Vanderbilt University

Disclosure statement

Jessica Calarco has received funding from the Institute of Education Sciences, U.S. Department of Education, through Grant R305C050041-05 to the University of Pennsylvania and from the Networks, Complex Systems & Health Project Development Team within the ICTSI NIH/NCRR Grant Number UL1TR001108. She is a member of the Board of Directors of the Council on Contemporary Families.

Ilana Horn currently receives funding from the National Science Foundation. In the past, her work has been funded by the Spencer Foundation, the Carnegie Foundation, the Washington State Office of the Superintendent of Public Instruction, the Mindset Scholars Network, and the American Educational Research Association.

Vanderbilt University provides funding as a founding partner of The Conversation US.

Indiana University provides funding as a member of The Conversation US.

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Whenever “Gina,” a fifth grader at a suburban public school on the East Coast, did her math homework, she never had to worry about whether she could get help from her mom.

“I help her a lot with homework,” Gina’s mother, a married, mid-level manager for a health care company, explained to us during an interview for a study we did about how teachers view students who complete their homework versus those who do not.

“I try to maybe re-explain things, like, things she might not understand,” Gina’s mom continued. “Like, if she’s struggling, I try to teach her a different way. I understand that Gina is a very visual child but also needs to hear things, too. I know that when I’m reading it, and I’m writing it, and I’m saying it to her, she comprehends it better.”

One of us is a sociologist who looks at how schools favor middle-class families . The other is a math education professor who examines how math teachers perceive their students based on their work.

We were curious about how teachers reward students who complete their homework and penalize and criticize those who don’t – and whether there was any link between those things and family income.

By analyzing student report cards and interviewing teachers, students and parents, we found that teachers gave good grades for homework effort and other rewards to students from middle-class families like Gina, who happen to have college-educated parents who take an active role in helping their children complete their homework.

But when it comes to students such as “Jesse,” who attends the same school as Gina and is the child of a poor, single mother of two, we found that teachers had a more bleak outlook.

The names “Jesse” and “Gina” are pseudonyms to protect the children’s identities. Jesse can’t count on his mom to help with his homework because she struggled in school herself.

“I had many difficulties in school,” Jesse’s mom told us for the same study. “I had behavior issues, attention-deficit. And so after seventh grade, they sent me to an alternative high school, which I thought was the worst thing in the world. We literally did, like, first and second grade work. So my education was horrible.”

Jesse’s mother admitted she still can’t figure out division to this day.

“[My son will] ask me a question, and I’ll go look at it and it’s like algebra, in fifth grade. And I’m like: ‘What’s this?’” Jesse’s mom said. “So it’s really hard. Sometimes you just feel stupid. Because he’s in fifth grade. And I’m like, I should be able to help my son with his homework in fifth grade.”

Unlike Gina’s parents, who are married and own their own home in a middle-class neighborhood, Jesse’s mom isn’t married and rents a place in a mobile home community. She had Jesse when she was a teenager and was raising Jesse and his brother mostly on her own, though with some help from her parents. Her son is eligible for free lunch.

An issue of equity

As a matter of fairness, we think teachers should take these kinds of economic and social disparities into account in how they teach and grade students. But what we found in the schools we observed is that they usually don’t, and instead they seemed to accept inequality as destiny. Consider, for instance, what a fourth grade teacher – one of 22 teachers we interviewed and observed during the study – told us about students and homework.

“I feel like there’s a pocket here – a lower income pocket,” one teacher said. “And that trickles down to less support at home, homework not being done, stuff not being returned and signed. It should be almost 50-50 between home and school. If they don’t have the support at home, there’s only so far I can take them. If they’re not going to go home and do their homework, there’s just not much I can do.”

While educators recognize the different levels of resources that students have at home, they continue to assign homework that is too difficult for students to complete independently, and reward students who complete the homework anyway.

Consider, for example, how one seventh grade teacher described his approach to homework: “I post the answers to the homework for every course online. The kids do the homework, and they’re supposed to check it and figure out if they need extra help. The kids who do that, there is an amazing correlation between that and positive grades. The kids who don’t do that are bombing.

"I need to drill that to parents that they need to check homework with their student, get it checked to see if it’s right or wrong and then ask me questions. I don’t want to use class time to go over homework.”

The problem is that the benefits of homework are not uniformly distributed. Rather, research shows that students from high-income families make bigger achievement gains through homework than students from low-income families.

This relationship has been found in both U.S. and Dutch schools , and it suggests that homework may contribute to disparities in students’ performance in school.

Tougher struggles

On top of uneven academic benefits, research also reveals that making sense of the math homework assigned in U.S schools is often more difficult for parents who have limited educational attainment , parents who feel anxious over mathematical content . It is also difficult for parents who learned math using different approaches than those currently taught in the U.S. .

Meanwhile, students from more-privileged families are disproportionately more likely to have a parent or a tutor available after school to help with homework, as well as parents who encourage them to seek help from their teachers if they have questions . And they are also more likely to have parents who feel entitled to intervene at school on their behalf.

False ideas about merit

In the schools we observed, teachers interpreted homework inequalities through what social scientists call the myth of meritocracy . The myth suggests that all students in the U.S. have the same opportunities to succeed in school and that any differences in students’ outcomes are the result of different levels of effort. Teachers in our study said things that are in line with this belief.

For instance, one third grade teacher told us: “We’re dealing with some really struggling kids. There are parents that I’ve never even met. They don’t come to conferences. There’s been no communication whatsoever. … I’ll write notes home or emails; they never respond. There are kids who never do their homework, and clearly the parents are OK with that.

"When you don’t have that support from home, what can you do? They can’t study by themselves. So if they don’t have parents that are going to help them out with that, then that’s tough on them, and it shows.”

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Home / Expert Articles / Parenting Strategies & Techniques / Consequences & Rewards

“Why Don’t Consequences Work for My Teen?” Here’s Why…and How to Fix It

By megan devine, lcpc.

If you’re having trouble giving effective consequences to your teen, know that you are not alone. Many parents tell me that nothing seems to work and that coming up with the right thing for their child can seem like an impossible task.

If you’re the parent of an adolescent, you may have grounded your child, taken away their video games, or suspended their driving privileges for months on end. But as James Lehman says, you can’t punish kids into acceptable behavior—it just doesn’t work that way.

“You can’t punish kids into acceptable behavior.”

Rather, an effective consequence should encourage your child to change their behavior — whether that is abiding by the house rules or treating people respectfully. So first, you need to identify the behavior you want to change.

For example, if your child swears when they don’t get their way, you want them to behave more appropriately. Instead of grounding or punishing , or even reasoning with your child when they get angry and lash out, an effective consequence here would require your child to practice better behavior – and improve their self-control – for a period of time before their normal privileges are restored.

Let’s break this down according to The Total Transformation Program :

• Effective consequences are connected to the original behavior and are both task- and time-specific.
• “Connected to the original behavior” means that your consequence needs to be related to the behavior you want to see your child change or improve.
• “Task-specific” means that there is something your child needs to accomplish or practice related to the original problem. This is a concrete behavior, like washing the dishes, meeting curfew, or not swearing.
• “Time specific” means there is a specific amount of time in which they needs to demonstrate that behavior.

So, when your child swears, they might lose access to their electronics until they can go without swearing for two hours. The consequence is tied to the behavior. They swore, so they have to practice not swearing. This consequence is task-specific – it requires them to exercise the part of their brain that governs self-control. If they want their stuff back, they have to practice better behavior. And it’s time-specific – they need to demonstrate self-control for two hours. Only then are they free to have their privileges back.

It’s important to understand that you can’t get your child not to feel angry or frustrated. That’s just part of being human. But you can require that they change the way they deal with those feelings. You can expect them to practice some self-control. Your goal is to require that your child practice the better behavior for a certain amount of time before they get their privileges back. So practice and behavioral improvement equals the restoration of privileges.

If they yell about their consequence, or how unfair it is, you can say:

“I understand that you’re angry. Yelling is not going to get you what you want. Once you’ve been able to deal with your anger appropriately for two hours, you will get your electronics back.”

Do not continue to explain your consequences or justify your decisions. They may mumble to themselves or text their friends about how awful you are, and it may take some time, but eventually, your child will decide to practice those skills that earn back their electronics.

How to Choose a Consequence

Think of it this way: a privilege is a motivator. The withdrawal or granting of a privilege should give your child an incentive to follow the rules of your house, even when they don’t agree with those rules.

An effective consequence is a privilege your child is interested in. For some kids, video games are a powerful motivator, while other kids could care less about them. Taking away a cell phone for two hours works for some kids while others would just find another way to communicate.

In order to choose the right privilege to use as a consequence, you have to know your child. What are their interests? What would really impact them if they lost it for a short period of time? Some parents tell us that using the blanket term “all electronics” works better than just saying “no video games,” which can make kids turn to YouTube as a distraction.

Remember, the right privilege should be an activity that your child will actually miss. Withhold that privilege until your child completes the task you’ve set for them.

James Lehman suggests that you sit down with your child and come up with a list of privileges and consequences together. The advantage here is that you are working as a team to solve the problem. It can help you identify things or activities your child truly values. It also clarifies what the consequences will be for certain infractions—for everyone involved. Not only will your child know what will happen if they break a certain rule, but the parents don’t have to spend time coming up with something in the heat of the moment.

What If Your Child Doesn’t Seem to Care What You Use as a Consequence?

Many parents call the Empowering Parents parent coaching team , saying that their kid doesn’t seem to care what they take away. One dad said to me in exasperation,

“Even though my daughter lives to text, she acts like she could care less when her phone is taken away. Nothing works with her!”

Some kids appear not to care what activity you restrict; they pretend they didn’t want to do it anyway.

But look at it this way: would your child really want you to know that they care about the consequence you’re giving them? Would they reveal their reaction to you and let you know you got to them? That would make it seem like you have power over them, and they aren’t about to concede on that one.

So some kids, like the teenage girl above, feign indifference when you remove a privilege. If you’ve watched your child and know that what you’re taking away really does impact them, don’t worry about whether or not they seem suitably upset at the loss of it. Give the consequence time to work.

What If the Consequences Still Aren’t Working?

So what if you know you’ve chosen a valuable privilege and your consequences still aren’t working? The key here is to take a look at the length of time privileges are removed. Is it too long? Does your child lose interest in what you’ve taken away (the “out of sight, out of mind” dilemma)? Is the time frame so long that your child can’t possibly be successful (no swearing for a whole month)?

Remember, your goal is to create better behavior in your child, and the consequence/privilege needs to encourage that improvement by being time-specific. If you truly want your child to improve their behavior, you need to create an environment in which your child can succeed. The time span of your consequence is important – it should be long enough that your child has to stretch their skills and short enough that you have a good chance of seeing improvement.

In summary, to be effective, a consequence needs to be short-term, task-specific, and involve a privilege your child values. Your goal here is to produce a child who can respond to limits, meet responsibilities, and demonstrate age-appropriate behavior. Your consequences and privileges help get them there.

Be Persistent and Consistent

One last word of advice: parents often want to see their child’s behavior improve overnight. If you are faced with a child who behaves inappropriately under stress, your consequences should require them to practice and get better. Don’t expect perfection immediately. Like any new skill, better behavior takes practice.

When implementing a new consequence, you can expect some failure. You can expect that you may need to restart a couple of times. In the beginning, you may find that your child behaves inappropriately every day and has their privileges removed often. That doesn’t mean you’ve chosen the wrong consequence. It simply means your child needs time to practice better skills. And they need you to be consistent and to keep them practicing.

Empowering Parents Podcast: Apple, Spotify

About Megan Devine, LCPC

Megan Devine is a licensed clinical therapist, former Empowering Parents Parent Coach, speaker and writer. She is also the bonus-parent to a successfully launched young man. You can find more of her work at refugeingrief.com , where she advocates for new ways to live with grief.

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Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. We wouldn't recommend using Prom or other special events as a consequence, as Sarah Bean explains in this article: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/8-parental-rules-for-prom-night-should-you-ever-take-away-prom/. Taking away things like prom, birthday celebrations, or Christmas tends to cause a lot of resentment and very little behavior change. A more productive approach would be having her return the stolen merchandise and take accountability that way. For more information on effective consequences, you can check out these articles: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/parenting-strategies-techniques/consequences-rewards/

We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community and wish you all the best moving forward. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.

My son is 14,grade8, hehas the attitude of not caring, following no rules, never doing what I ask, unless I nagg continuously, he is a grade leader representative, but his marks are dismall, I have grounded, taken his games, now the phone because he is failing Maths, says he never has homework and rarely studies. I am a single Mom, after separating due to a very toxic marriage that I couldn't "fix", I am at the point of letting him go live with his Dad, who is an alcoholic or putting him in a boarding school,I don't know what to do, and it makes me feel that I am his problem.I suggested a councilor but he is not very open to that. I can let him go live with my brother, but that would make me feel even more like I failed as his Mom and protector. Pls help with any advice.

He is very strong willed, intelligent and waisting away, my concern is, it is like he is oblivious to the effect it has on me emotionally and also our household, as he has a 7year old sister that is always caught in our arguments, I feel I am failing him, no matter what I do, it's not working.

Any advice would be appreciated

Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. 14 can be a tough age and the behaviors you describe are not uncommon for teens. Many parents I speak to as a parenting coach have shared similar stories, so you are not alone. It will be most productive to focus on just one or two behaviors at a time - trying to address too many things at once can be overwhelming, for both the parent and the child. You may find this article helpful when trying to decide what your next step will be:https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-childs-behavior-is-so-bad-where-do-i-begin-how-to-coach-your-child-forward/.

We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community and wish you all the best moving forward. Take care.

We are having a on going issues with my 14 F step daughter stealing from especially me, but it is also he younger brother and dad. Everyone has there own personal belongings, even bathroom products. The stealing has gotten so bad I have a closet with all my items locked up we don't want her to take. My husband thought he closed the door open this morning to the closet, but he is not sure or she took my keys and opened it not sure ( which she done in the past), but she was in it. She took hair ties, if it is unlocked

she can't help herself. It doesn't matter what we do, we have ground her for it, made her do chores to pay it back & ( ground her), striped her room down to bare essentials for two weeks. What she takes is anywhere from hair products to toothbrush mainly, occasions clothes, and underwear. We supply her with her own personal bathroom products so instead of asking for new shampoo because she is low, she just takes mine. Takes toothbrush and puts them back. This has been going on for about two years, we have tired counselors, nothing seems to work. Her brother doesn't behave this way, either he is fairly respectful of other people things.

Thank you for reaching to Empowering Parents and sharing your story. I can hear how distressed you are with your teen daughter's behavior and choices. It can be tough to know how to hold your child accountable when it seems like they don't care about anything and their behavior keeps getting worse. Janet Lehman wrote an excellent article about how to get control back in these types of situations. You can find that article here: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/scared-of-your-defiant-child-learn-how-to-get-back-your-parental-control/. Another article you may find helpful is https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/kids-who-ignore-consequences-10-ways-to-make-them-stick/.

My son is 13 years old and resides in My Home primarily, but I spend time at his other parents house on a regular basis. He spends the night there every Thursday & also on alternating weekends (Thursday after school thru Monday drop off at school).

Both households have very different expectations and rules - and, the other parent refuses to communicate about anything whatsoever.

He rarely touches his homework while he is at his other parent’s house, and spends most of his time, playing video games and messing around online. When he returns home, he constantly has a ton of make up work and it negatively impacts our whole household because he is constantly doing homework here. He plays the Xbox, watches, YouTube, and messes around online pretty much the entire time he is there, and neglects the things that he knows he needs to do.

How do I hold him accountable? The other challenge is that when a punishment is necessary that the other parent will not enforce anything at the other home. So if we take away the Xbox or Internet privileges, I don’t think it really bothers him when he knows he gets to go spend several days away doing what he would like to do online.

Do you have any advice on how to implement effective consequences for his behavior that cannot be undermined by the reprieves that he spends away? Quite frankly, I feel like I am being punished for him not behaving over there because he’s constantly doing everything to make up here and it’s just unpleasant.

If I didn’t bother helping him to catch up when he returns home after each visit, he’s likely be failing all of his classes. I want to teach him that it’s important to finish the tasks that he is assigned, regardless of who’s house he is at, & that he’s capable of doing what he knows he should. Do you have any advice?

My daughter is doing things like stealing my car, sneaking out in the middle of the night, having sex, has d’s and f’s on her report card, lying, manipulating, fighting with family members constantly, it is just always something with her. i just planned a beach trip for just she and i because i have other kids and don’t get much one on one time with her that she craves so we went. while there, she was constantly disrespecting my 75 year old grandmother and grandfather, my cousin and the friend. i decided leaving was best so that everyone’s vacation wouldn’t be ruined and instead of just packing and getting in the car, she damaged the hotel, starting screaming and throwing things and took off running screaming at the top of her lungs to call the police and acted like i was abusing her. the police came and almost took me to jail(i was in handcuffs in the cop car) until they got the story from everyone and realized that this is a repeat thing she does to try and get her way.

when we got home i took all electronics like phone, ipad, mac book, apple watch/pencil, etc. only to find out she found where i hid them & got her phone back herself. she has no respect for anyone!!!

what do i do?

Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. It sounds like you have a lot going on with your daughter right now. I can understand both your concern and your frustration. It will be most productive to focus on one behavior or area of concern at a time. Because it can be difficult sometimes to figure out what behavior to start with, I often suggest parents make a list of all the behaviors they are seeing and focus on the most difficult behavior first. Carole Banks discusses this in her article, "My Child's Behavior Is So Bad, Where Do I Begin?" How To Coach Your Child Forward as well. This will help you to start developing a culture of accountability in your home.

We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents Community. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.

Our 21 year old lives with us at home, and he makes promises and does not keep them. He needed to send his resume to us and some other paperwork and promises to do it but doesn't follow through.

We have talked to him and nothing changes, he has social anxiety and it takes him a while to adjust to new situations. We don't understand how to help him? Please advise.

CUL4 Thank you , all for sharing. I have a Teenager daughter who nothing works for. She won't attend school, therapy and punishment of any kind doesn't work.she just leaves. I block her path and she jumps out the window. Nothing works.. but reading your questions helps me not feel More alone. Thank you

My 11 years old daughter has anger issue lately. when she can't get what she wants especially electronics talks loud and with too much pressure.

i also don't know what activity to substitute if I limit the electronic time. She is not interested in reading books, playing her instrument ....

please advise me

I am so sorry for your loss. I can understand how upsetting your son's behaviors are and can hear how distressing it is for you. I'm glad to hear both of your children are in therapy. Loss of a parent can be be especially hard on adolescents and teens, even if their outward behavior may not show that. I encourage you to check in with your son's therapist about this and follow his recommendations on consequences.

Thank you for checking on and sharing your story.

Mother of a teenage boy My 15yr old son in the last 3 months has done some concerning things such as take my mother’s car to the shop (no license), and got caught bunking school and also vaping. I’m at a loss what to do I have taken his phone from him and the next More thing is touch rugby which he loves. My question is touch rugby has given him confidence will I be making the situation worse if I take it away from him ?

It's just not possible for a parent to take a cellphone or laptop or computer from a child, who is taller/bigger than parent. I was following the advice in this article (several times) and we always end up "wrestling". A teen kid will not just hand you his cellphone, he will not let you easily pick up his laptop, etc. What to do then?

How to make them do their schoolwork/homework also not clear to me, because they just will not do it.I tried to convince him, I tried to offer extra time on computer,I was promissing to buy something,etc ,he still will not do it. Please advise.

You bring up an excellent point. WE would not recommend getting into any sort of physical power struggle with your child trying to make them hand over the device. You might instead turn off service to the device or turn off the Wi-Fi. You may find this article on fail proof consequences helpful: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/odd-kids-consequences-that-work-on-oppositional-defiant-rebellious-children/

Thank you for reaching out.

Consequences-You day to take something away for a short time and have them work towards it.

My son is the size of a man.

My son has gone into depression and laid on his bed for days without anything.

My son has ran away for days at a time.

My son would prefer to be kicked out of school.

I have called the police about my son. They have done NOTHING and the advice given was get into therapy and a parenting program.

My son won’t attend therapy.

Parenting programs say “have consequences, follow through, take things away!”

Help please.

Deb W. I try taking away phones, videos game, tv etc for my not listening or being angry nothing seems to help. they don't care about things being taken away from them. Do you have another consequence I can try? I try sending them to their rooms. It did nothing. More I try making them sitting on timeout chair nothing seems to bother them. Help!

Lisa my Daughter when she is very upset and we take away something sometimes she physically trys to keep that object(usually some type of electronics) like making us grab for it; or just flat out refusing to hand it over? I have found myself wrestling with her(to her outward amusement) for More the device..how do I proceed here?

Our son was a straight A child. Never had trouble in school. Seemed effortless. He started 6 grade middle school in August, he almost failed 3 classes. The rest are A’s. At first I thought he was just overwhelmed with all of the teachers and assignments. Having to be accountable but now I feel like no matter how much we try to help, and how much we take away. He just zones out, like it’s no big deal that he is failing. He isn’t doing his homework. We ask him right after school daily, he looks you’d traight in the eyes and says “no homework”

So we can actually see 2 of his class assignments online but the rest you can’t. So we got 2 of the grades up but he isn’t taking notes and again, his work isn’t getting done. I have tried so many things. I feel lost and helpless. Any ideas?

Passedmylimit I have 18 year old daughter.very good hearted goes to school with good grades and works. Downfall..even though she was warned she sneaks out the house takes grandpa's car ..thinks she can come and go as she pleases and smokes pot..she doesn't even deny it or try to cover up More the smell.after the last warning of curfew I was out at 4 am looking for her ..argumnents with my husband over this behavior when she finally answered her phone I made her return home pack her belongings and find a place to live where she can do what she wanted. She found a friend that came and got her and has been out since.i feel so awful and empty for this but she was warned multiple times that this would happen. I have taken her off our phone plan and she will be paying that herself. She was not paying rent and chores where done half way. I also have an 11 year old that sees this.i will not have her believe that this behavior is ok. Did i do the right thing? Or did I do more damage.please help!

That you don't want to punish your child.

But apply consequences from a power point of view by withholding things that they prefer sounds to me liking punishing.

Sitting together to think about working consequences doesn't seems to sounds to me liking working like a team.

If your child doesn't come up or agree with a consequence what do you do than.

Let it go our use your hierarchical advances to force them in choosing.

I think for testing if your way of parenting is reasonable you can do the following. If your team lead at work will do the same things to do as you do to your child would you like that, would you agree, would you stay or would you do differently. If you say you would to differently then you may need to rethink your parenting style at home.

Jens My wife does exactly what you recommend with our teenage son, who has been diagnosed with both ADHD and autism, and the only result is escalation, threats of violence, or violent behavior. As a stepfather, my wife does not allow me to interfere.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach Thank you for your question. This is a common scenario we hear from many parents, so you are not alone in experiencing this. We do not recommend trying to physically wrestle away devices from kids, mainly because it causes things to escalate even more and increases the chances More that someone might get hurt as you described. Instead, it tends to be more effective to set a clear limit (such as, “Your phone needs to be on the kitchen table in 2 minutes. If not, there will be additional consequences”), and walk away to allow things to cool down. If your child refuses to hand over electronics, it’s going to be more effective to focus on where you have control, which is over yourself and your own responses. Sara Bean outlines some options in her article, 4 Steps to Managing Your Child’s Screen Time . Please be sure to let us know if you have additional questions. Take care.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach I’m sorry to hear about the challenges you have faced with your son, and I’m glad that you are here reaching out for support. Many parents feel frustrated with their child’s attitude, so you are not alone. The truth is, trying to make your son “care” or improve More his attitude is likely to be frustrating, because he is ultimately the one in charge of how he feels about a given situation. It’s going to be more effective to focus on meeting his responsibilities and following the rules, regardless of how he might feel about a given situation. In addition, I recommend starting with one concrete behavior, such as following directions the first time, rather than a broad concept like respect. You can find more information and tips in “My Child’s Behavior Is So Bad, Where Do I Begin?” How to Coach Your Child Forward . I hope that you will write back and let us know how things are going for you and your son. Take care.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and sharing your story. I hear how concerned you are about your niece’s behavior. Because we are a website aimed at helping people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions we can give to those outside More of a direct parenting role. It may be helpful to look into local resources to help you develop a plan for addressing your particular issues. The 211 National Helpline is a referral service available 24 hours a day, nationwide. They can give you information on the types of support services available in your area such as counselors, support groups, kinship services as well as various other resources. You can reach the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222. We wish you the best going forward. Take care.

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport Suzie Perth It's been months since my last post. 

Our 16 year old daughter's life has been turned upside down since she left home in September last year. She is now staying with the older boyfriend and his father. (both the boy and his father have a mental illness). They have isolated her from her family. 

The school had believed what my daughter had told them and that's why they helped her, however as soon as she was supposedly classified as an independent adult and started receiving benefits from the government (Up to $650 a fortnight), she stopped going to school. The school refused to tell us anything. Whether she was attending school. How she was doing. This drove our family into despair. Once the school psychologist came back from long service leave, he straightened everything out with the school staff as we had been in contact with him for years and knew how we were struggling with her. Then we learnt that she hadn't been attending school so we tried getting her to go back. My husband went around to where she was staying and she promised to go back and she never did. He was going there almost daily as she doesn't want to give us her mobile phone number. 

We've tried stopping the payments she is receiving because she does not qualify to receive the payments. You need to be attending school or working in order to receive the payments, however the government youth worker decided not to stop the payments which we felt is not teaching our daughter to be honest and it certainly wont encourage her to go back to school. She did badly in the last exams. 

She admitted before she left home that her friends were drinking and taking drugs. The father of the boy wont answer our calls as he said he's not responsible for her. He did advertise to the school and other people that she had lost her virginity in his home. We have limited contact with her via skype. 

She has been an aggressive person and asked us if she had always been like that at home as other people are telling her she is aggressive. Yes, we had to put up with a lot. Our 11 year old twins are much happier now that she is gone and are reluctant to have her back home as she was always mean to them. 

Last week we found some very suggestive photos she placed on the internet and I asked her immediately to remove them as she is not allowed to post that on the internet due to child protection laws. She hasn't removed them. She has gone right down and lost all self respect. She sees me as being the person to blame for everything that's gone wrong in her life as she cannot accept responsibility for what she has done. The rudeness we get from her has just slowly pushed us all away from her as she has nothing nice to say. We were told by many people and professionals to stop all contact, as it is not of any benefit. We were having 1 skype message every week sometimes every 2 weeks. We are to wait till she hits rock bottom and she asks for help. 

We NEVER realised that parenting would be as emotionally challenging and as difficult as this as my husband and I were not rebellious. 

On a good note, our 11 year old twins are learning from this and said they will not behave as she has, when they get to that age. We have to focus on our twins and try and move on, which is not easy as I think of her ALL the time, which is wrong as I should be more focused on our children at home.. Our marriage is stronger than before, as we've worked together on trying to parent our troubled daughter. She will hopefully learn from her mistakes and we know it's going to take a very long time to mend our relationship with her. Unfortunately things will never go back to what they were before mixing with the wrong group of people. The desire for her to be accepted by her peers outweighed the values she once had.

It has been good reading and knowing, we are not alone and that so many people are having problems with their children. We have felt really embarrassed, ashamed, very hurt, by what our daughter has done but we've had  to put that behind us and move on or else we'll always be unhappy. This is just a point in ones life and this is our turning point, to move on and let her get on with her life knowing that we've done the best we could.

Jamid1 This has been a huge help for me. I read the suggested article along with some others on this website. I have learned to be firm but not argumentative with my son. I try to give him a minute to spout out all his frustrations verbally without interrupting and when More hes done simply remind him that I asked him to do whatever discipline and that's it. If he continues to be combative I simply tell him to go to his room and cool off and then I walk away. I also had a candid conversation with him after the above incident. I told him that I would not hesitate to call the police in order to protect myself as well as protect him from doing something he would regret. Though he was initially very upset that I would "call the cops" I think it helped him realize how unruly his behavior really was. We agreed that we would both try to be less combative and that if I asked him to go to his room he would simply do so to take a few minutes to cool off before we continue our conversation. Thank you so much!

Poppy234 ADHD parent I try saying OK its your choice, you can give up your phone now for 15 minutes or when you are asleep I will take it and you lose it for 2 hours tomorrow. Or similar. They still get mad though. Also when you have the phone for More 2 hours, they can shorten that time by doing chores. I have to keep stressing that it is HER choice not mine, it is within her power to get her phone back more quickly. She may still have kept the phone on this occasion but eventually may make the choice to give it up as its less hassle in the long run.

Poppy234 @Family With our daughter more sleep helps so much with temper outbursts. Try tracking how cross he is and matching with how much sleep he has. So we lie with her and rub her back, it helps to make sure she gets to sleep not too late.

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport Frustrated mom2017 I hear you.  It can be so frustrating when your child not only refuses to follow directions, but also lies about it.  Although it’s normal to feel angry and upset upon discovering this, I encourage you to do your besthttps://www.empoweringparents.com/article/disrespectful-child-behavior-dont-take-it-personally/.  Chances are that her choices are not directed More at you, but are instead a reflection of poor problem-solving skills.  It sounds like your daughter is already receiving a natural consequence at school of a poor grades for the performance on her math test, as well as refusing to do the corrections.  It could be useful at this point to have a conversation with her about what happened, and what she will do differently moving forward in her math class as outlined in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-you-should-let-your-child-fail-the-benefits-of-natural-consequences/.  Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your family.  Take care.

Poppy234 Frustrated mom2017 This is hard. So there is the maths grade and the lying. I would ask her why she didn't want to do the corrections. Is she struggling? Does she need extra help outside school? Can you sit with her while she does them? If she is being lazy, More then either try keeping the iPod only until she does the corrections. If she is overworked forget punishment but take her out somewhere after she does them, perhaps she thinks she works too hard, perhaps she is stressed and has too much on her plate. The lying I would be concerned about and would make sure I had time with her each night to chat. See what worries her. Rub her feet or whatever she likes to get close to her. Find out what annoys her about you and don't stand up for yourself. Try a conversation journal where you talk to each other, nothing negative in it from you, ask her questions in it. I think all kids lie from time to time and we need to minimise it by staying close.

My daughter is 9 (so pre-teen) but I still need help with a consequence. Around 5:15am this morning she took my Iphone off my nightstand and brought it in her room to look at her friend's parent's profile pages on my Facebook app. She broke multiple rules by doing this! According to this article what would a good consequence be? No tv or electronics (which she does care about) until she learns not to steal or invade my privacy? I need help. Something more specific. Thanks to all

-preteen mom

Poppy234 Preteen mom In addition to consequences I would put a password on the phone or fingerprint ID, it could be too big a temptation for her ongoing and it would be kinder to take it off the agenda.

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport Preteen mom Many parents struggle with effective consequences, regardless of the age of their child, so you are not alone.  I’m glad that you’re here, reaching out for support.  Part of addressing this with your daughter will be discussing what happened, and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/about what she could have done differently instead More of taking your phone without permission.  Instead of taking away TV or electronics until she learns to respect boundaries or refrain from stealing, it could be more effective in this situation to talk about how she can make it up to you, and “right the wrong” she committed by not respecting your boundaries.  You can suspend electronics until this amends is complete.  Janet Lehman offers more tips in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/i-caught-my-child-lying-how-to-manage-sneaky-behavior-in-kids/.  Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your daughter.  Take care.

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport Krist4711 We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and sharing your story.  I’m sorry to hear about the struggles you and your family are facing with your niece. Because we are a website aimed at helping people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions More we can give to those outside of a direct parenting role. It may be helpful to look into local resources to help you develop a plan for addressing your particular issues.  The http://www.211.org is a referral service available 24 hours a day, nationwide. They can give you information on the types of support services available in your area such as counselors, support groups as well as various other resources. You can reach the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222. We wish you the best going forward. Take care.

SLParker @Stephan  We all want what's best for our kids and as adults we have the life experience and wisdom to know what we could or should have done different. At 17 its time to start picking and choosing your battles with the understanding that your son has to fail from More time to time to learn the lesson for himself. His test scores can not be more important to you than they are him that is a recipe for disaster. If two hours is all he wants to contribute to his future well being then explain to him what comes along with that choice. Let him make the choice its time.

I’m so sorry to hear about the situation with your daughter, and I hope

that she returns home safely soon.We

hear from many parents who describe similar frustration that, despite punishing

a child over and over again, the child’s behavior does not improve, or might

even get worse. You are not alone in this situation.Something to keep in mind is that

consequences by themselves do not change behavior, because continuing to take

things away from your daughter is not teaching her what to do differently.You might find some alternate strategies in

our article series https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-consequences-arent-enough-part-1-how-to-coach-your-child-to-better-behavior/

and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-consequences-arent-enough-part-2-making-child-behavior-changes-that-last/.Please be sure to write back and let us know

how things are going for you and your family.Take care.

It’s not uncommon for parents and teens to disagree on the appropriate

amount of studying and preparation required to do well, so you are not

alone.I also want to point out that

learning how to negotiate and advocate for himself appropriately are valuable

life skills for your son to possess, and it’s normal at this stage in his

development to desire more autonomy and independence when making decisions like

this.As pointed out in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-rules-and-expectations-but-everyone-else-is-doing-it/, it might be more

effective at this point to help your son learn how to manage his time more

independently.Please be sure to write

back and let us know how things are going with you and your son.Take care.

Thank you for the article. Taking my daughters phone off her for a day when she misbehaves has not been working at all, it makes her even more angry, but I think your ideas make perfect sense and a day is too long. I am going to try this later as there are bound to be insults or pushing about of poor Mum later today! Plenty of scope for trial and error!!! 

It seems to me that as children get older they want to be listened to and loved but not to be given any advice on anything unless specifically asked! And some children don't half dish it out. Even quiet chewing with my mouth closed drives my daughter to distraction. I'm bored with the negativity.

cuddles84 tryed all that the way you said  still does not work.

ExasperatedSingleMum

You bring up an excellent question, what can a parent do

when a child refuses to comply with consequences? I think it can help to know

that it’s not uncommon for kids, especially teens, to push back when given a

consequence. They can refuse to hand over devices, go out with friends even

when they’ve been grounded, and  refuse to do extra chores. For that

reason, it’s important to make sure that the consequences you use are fail

proof consequences – consequences you can follow through with even when

your child refuses to comply. Kim Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner discuss

how to give fail proof consequences in their article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-odd-children-and-teens-how-to-make-consequences-work/. I hope

you find this article helpful. Be sure to check back if you have any further

questions. Take care.

I have been through something simular on and off for years. After serious soul seaching and time. I found I had to let go. It was painful, but instead of trying to control my kids,and ex I focused on what is in my control and my response. I used techniques from the "secret". I used my time differently when I am with my kids and they always know what they mean to me. We have a much better relationship and I get all the hard and personal issues they are afriad to share with anyone else.

I would support what your 13 year old wants, but let them know bashing is not ok and you refuse to lower yourself to thst level. than have a great time with your young one, but invite your older child when possible. Even if your oldest never joins you she will know the door is not closed and she has the choice.

Kids know what is going on and they see all the crap, and odds are they will come around especially if. They know they are loved and forgiven. Maturity has had a huge impact.

You establish your boundries and stick to them. She is 18.... welcome to being an adult. She will grow up and learn she has a strong mum that wont take her disrespect.

Poppy234 still learningmom I think you give really good advice. It seems to me that a lot of parenting of a particularly control adverse child consists of letting go of control. Sometimes boundaries come down to what is legal and safe. Smoking pot and stealing would not be allowed therefore, but More perhaps getting her to abstain from smoking in your house until the birthday party would have been an option. Or getting her to replace missing items before the party? Goodness it's a hard line to walk, we need enormous patience. I would go the line of apologising but when a quiet moment arrives ask her to talk about it, asking her many questions about the situation and refraining from adding much opinion at all.

Dee The same thing happened to me , me ex was also a total narcissist in the clinical sense. I took him to court, representing myself & made a clear plea to the judge to let him know what was going on. He gave me everything I asked for. Good luck

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

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Why Millions of Teens Can't Finish Their Homework

The push toward technology-focused education overlooks the students who lack the resources needed to complete their assignments.

In decades past, students needed little more than paper, pencils, and time to get their schoolwork done. For the vast majority of students, that's no longer the case. Most schoolwork these days necessitates a computer and an internet connection, and that includes work to be done at home. One federal survey found that 70 percent of American teachers  assign homework that needs to be done online; 90 percent of high schoolers say they have to do internet-based homework at least a few times a month. Nearly half of all students say they get such assignments daily or almost daily.

Yet despite the seemingly ever-growing embrace of digital learning in schools, access to the necessary devices remains unequal, with a new report from the Pew Research Center finding that 15 percent of U.S. households with school-age children lack high-speed internet at home. The problem is particularly acute for low-income families: One in three households that make below $30,000 a year lacks internet. This is despite an emerging reality in which poorer students are attending schools that evangelize technology-based learning while their more affluent counterparts, as The New York Times reported this past weekend, are “going back to wooden toys and the luxury of human interaction.”

It’s a glaring irony that’s also a major force behind class- and race-based discrepancies in academic achievement. In what’s often referred to as the “homework gap,” the unequal access to digital devices and high-speed internet prevents 17 percent of teens from completing their homework assignments, according to the new Pew analysis, which surveyed 743 students ages 13 through 17. Black teens are especially burdened by the homework gap: One in four of them at least sometimes struggle to complete assignments because of a lack of technology at home. And close to half of teenagers in the bottom income bracket have to do their homework on a cellphone occasionally or often.

Read: The futile resistance against classroom tech

From a history-class assignment on the political debate over immigration to required participation in an online discussion board for AP Environmental Science, access to a functioning computer and high-speed internet is all but a prerequisite for success in high school. This is becoming especially true as schools gravitate toward software where students file assignments and papers virtually, as well as schools that equip each student with a laptop or tablet ; one 2017 survey found that half of U.S. teachers have one device for each of their students, up 10 percentage points from the year prior. Close to two in three teachers use technology in their classroom daily, according to a separate 2017 survey .

The homework gap can have major consequences, with some studies suggesting that teens who lack access to a computer at home are less likely to graduate from high school than their more technologically equipped peers. The “challenge to complete homework in safe, predictable, and productive environments can have lifelong impacts on their ability to achieve their full potential,” wrote John Branam, who runs an initiative to provide lacking teens with internet access, in an op-ed for The Hechinger Report last year.

Although the big telecom providers offer subsidies to low-income families, these programs are generally underused . And while disadvantaged students can resort to public libraries and other venues that offer free Wi-Fi, such alternatives are still major obstacles to finishing homework every night. “Your aunt has internet access [at home] but she lives a 40-minute bus trip across town,” Branam wrote, illustrating the roadblocks for teens without internet access. “The public library does, but it has a 30-minute computer use limit and, as a young woman, you don’t feel comfortable there late at night. McDonald’s has free Wi-Fi but it’s noisy, you have to buy food and you can’t linger there forever.”

Read: When students can’t go online

With a team of researchers, the University of Texas at Austin professor S. Craig Watkins spent a year and a half observing and interacting with high schoolers to better understand the digital divide. The researchers’ forthcoming book, The Digital Edge: How Black and Latino Youth Navigate Digital Inequality , chronicles the ways low-income students of color get around not having access to the internet and a computer. In what Watkins calls “social hacking,” students often “reengineer their socioeconomic circumstances in order to get access to technology that they otherwise would not have access to.” For example, the researchers observed that students without such resources at home were adept at developing relationships with teachers who could, say, give them special weekend access to laptops and software for use at home. They also tended to rely on other needy classmates to find work-arounds, sharing with one another smartphones and tablets that more affluent students often take for granted, for instance. “It was an inventive way of cultivating social capital,” Watkins says, “but it also created a kind of sharing economy.”

Watkins says the digital divide is an “institutional blind spot” for many school leaders and policy makers. “I suspect that people a pay grade or two above teachers likely don’t understand the depth at which this access- and participation-gap divide still exists,” he says.

While embedding technology into the curriculum is all the rage in some schools, “oftentimes there’s a lack of clarity and vision in terms of what learning should look like with technology,” Watkins says. “There’s this assumption that just by providing access to technology you’re somehow creating a better learning future for kids, but that is not always the case.” After all, technology in schools is going to be of limited success if kids don’t have access to the internet and a computer once the final bell rings.

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How To Handle A Student Who Doesn’t Do Homework?

If you’ve been teaching for any length of time, you know that there are students who don’t do their homework.

This is not always a sign of laziness, apathy, or lack of interest in the subject matter. It may just be that they didn’t understand the assignment and/or were too busy to complete it.

Regardless of the reason, these students will need some extra attention and guidance if you want them to succeed academically.

A personal touch is usually the best approach. In other words, don’t hesitate to talk to your students face-to-face about their homework problems. They will appreciate your interest and show a willingness to improve because you care enough about them as an individual to find a solution.

I hope this article helps you manage your students who don’t do homework!

Why Some Students Don’t Do Their Homework?

1) what’s the point  .

Sometimes, students simply don’t see a point in doing their homework. This may be because the subject is boring, or monotonous – or it could be because it’s impossible to comprehend. Ensuring that students have a solid understanding of the material before moving on to the next topic will help eliminate this issue. In addition, if you find yourself instructing something that lacks value, it may be time to rethink your approach.

2) Too Many Homework Assignments  

This is often the most common issue students face. Teachers who fail to recognize that their students are carrying too much of a workload can create unbearable conditions that lead to laziness and failure.  If you’re finding yourself sending home a large amount of work every night, you should strongly consider revising your approach. It’s much better to focus on a small number of assignments and ensure they’re completed correctly, rather than overwhelming students with too many tasks.

3) Lack of Self-Motivation  

Many students don’t do their homework because they lack motivation and self-discipline. In situations such as these, it’s important to remember that you can’t force a student to complete their work – but there are ways for you to motivate them. The key is making the endeavor rewarding and worth their time – this could be through rewards or points systems.

4) Intellectual Disability  

5) lack of parental involvement  .

Sometimes, parents fail to support their child’s education. This lack of involvement can significantly affect the student, who may then find it difficult to complete homework tasks without parental guidance. You should give students enough space to do their work, but you should also be supportive in helping them when they need help.

6) Poor Planning   

7) illness   .

When students become ill, they may struggle to control their behavior and focus on homework. If your class falls victim to a bug, you should allow individuals to take the necessary time off without anxiety or pressure. The same goes for injuries – any situations where students are bedridden should be handled with appropriate care.

8) Bad Timing  

Sometimes, students don’t do their homework due to bad timing. This could be because they’ve only just returned home from school and haven’t had enough time to rest. It’s important that you give your students ample time to unwind before starting any work, so they can retain their focus.

9) Distractions at Home   

Modern homes contain a multitude of distractions that can affect the way students work. In addition to these, students may also have distracted siblings or relatives – making it hard for them to concentrate on tasks given by the teacher. You should always provide plenty of space and seclusion when working on academic tasks.

10) The Task is Too Challenging   

11) poorly organized  .

Similar to planning issues, poorly organized students can struggle when it comes to completing their homework. You should work closely with your students to ensure they have the best tools for completing assignments.

12) Disinterest  

How should handle students who don’t do their homework.

For a new teacher, handling a student who doesn’t do their homework can be a difficult task. It could throw off the rest of your lesson plans that you have been working on all day or week. You have to find a way to deal with it without showing favoritism and giving out punishments for those who don’t complete their work.

This can be a very delicate situation especially if several children don’t complete their homework.

1. Let them know the importance of doing their work

2. give them a warning.

Giving out a simple warning would be an ideal approach when handling students who have not completed their work. This means letting them know of any consequences or possible punishments that can be given if they do not complete their homework.

3. Let them know what your role is as a teacher

Another very effective way to deal with students who don’t do their work is by informing them of what the teacher’s role is in the classroom. By explaining this, you are letting them know that you are not responsible for their education. You are there to help them when needed and direct them in the right direction.

4. Give students who don’t do their work another opportunity

5. give consequences for students who don’t complete their work.

The most common consequence that you can give out when a student does not do their schoolwork is giving them detention or some other form of punishment. This can be a difficult thing to do because you have to find a way of disciplining students without jeopardizing your relationship with students or other teachers.

6. Have the parent call the student’s teacher

7. talk to the student after class or during lunch, 8. give student work to another classmate.

Another successful way of handling students who don’t do their work is to give them school work that is given to other students. For example, you can give out extra credit questions or assignments that are completed by other students if they do not complete their work.

9. Make an announcement about the homework policy

10. make sure homework is not repeatedly an issue, final thought.

It can be frustrating when students don’t do their homework. There are a variety of approaches for handling this issue, but the most important thing is to identify what will work best with your personality and teaching style. In this blog post, we’ve provided ten different ways you can address students who consistently turn in incomplete schoolwork or neglect it altogether. Don’t forget that it may take some time before you find out which approach works best for both you and your students! Check out more articles here.

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Consequences for not doing homework???

Discussion in ' Fifth Grade ' started by MsMaggs , Dec 8, 2007 .

MsMaggs Comrade

Dec 8, 2007

Does anyone use any kind of consequences for students who are not doing their homework? I don't give much homework but still only about 3/4 of my kids are doing it. Our class has an economy system and the students earn "money" for doing their homework all week, but that's not enough for some of them. It's so frustrating that ones who really don't need to do the extra practice do their homework consistently, but those who need the extra practice just ignore the homework completely. (And they do just ignore it, I check in with them to make sure it was't too difficult and that they understood it; they just don't want to do it. Agghhh...) :help:  

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Mamacita Aficionado

Dec 9, 2007

Consequences for not doing what the teacher said to do? Zero. Every single time. Zero.  

noreenk Cohort

i used to send a note home every time a child did not turn in or complete a homework assignment. then i got lazy around november. for my students who consistently fail to do homework now (and yup, it's the lowest ones who need the practice the most and who have the least parental involvement... and also the students who tend to work rather slowly), they have to do the assignments during lunch, sitting away from their friends. we rarely have a full recess time so having them work at that time isn't really an option. it's not something i LIKE having them do, but it's helped them catch up so they're not getting zeros every day anymore. they don't get full credit either, though.  

Upsadaisy Moderator

Our kids miss recess until an assignment is completed. We tell them that it is not a punishment, it is an additional opportunity to do the work they are required to do. When I taught 5th, they didn't get anything for doing homework. Now I have 3rd, and they get to give themselves a check on a homework chart. After about 50 checks, they get to pick something from a goodie box.  

sweidl Rookie

If a student misses even ONE homework assignment during the week, they don't get recess on Friday afternoon. I give them a written assignment (something fun like copying from the dictionary) that they must complete. I've recently started doing this and it has worked really well. They don't like being left out of recess. I too was having problems having students turn in their homework, and a co-worker suggested this to me.  

giraffe326 Virtuoso

Hmmm.... I didn't think of copying from a dictionary. My punishments are limited. We can not take away recess for any reason. I typically follow with my grade level and assign silent lunch. If it is several assignments, I might require them to walk for recess. However, I still have a large problem. On Wednesdays I have always had this 25 minute block of time in between lunch and music. They do not come back to me, so we have to get agendas ready and back packs packed, which takes about 10 minutes. That leaves me with 15 minutes. Last week, I had an epiphany! I bought the Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader? game. Those who have missing assignments or a grade lower than a C (which is 76% and below in my district) get extra work while the others play the game. Last week was the first week and the 16 (out of 22) kids that COULDN'T play were staring. I told them to turn around and if they wanted to play the game, they had to do their work and get their stuff in ON TIME. Hopefully, I will have more than 6 playing this week!  

Mr.S New Member

Dec 10, 2007

Positive Reinforcement I had that problem at the beginning of my student teaching. My mentor and I worked together to solve that issue. We have a race track. Each students has a flag. They move their car when they do ALL their homework. We have 7 teams. If one team does all their homework, then they move their car two spots up. If they finish the race track by Friday, then they get rewards. We have different rewards such as computer time, help the teacher. They love that. I've seen that they are more responsible now. I will try to take a picture of our race track and post it here so you will have a better idea.  

ms_teacher Companion

Dec 11, 2007

Mr.S said: ↑ I had that problem at the beginning of my student teaching. My mentor and I worked together to solve that issue. We have a race track. Each students has a flag. They move their car when they do ALL their homework. We have 7 teams. If one team does all their homework, then they move their car two spots up. If they finish the race track by Friday, then they get rewards. We have different rewards such as computer time, help the teacher. They love that. I've seen that they are more responsible now. I will try to take a picture of our race track and post it here so you will have a better idea. Click to expand...

knitter63 Groupie

Dec 13, 2007

My 5th grade team has assignment books. If a student doesn't complete a homework assignment, I circle it in pen. (students must write only in pencil in their AB) Three circles by Friday, and they serve a 30 minute detention. (at the end of the day) Those who earn a reward get to watch a movie, or have extra recess. The student is expected to do the circled assignment and put it in my late box. Until I receive it, it is a zero in my grade book.  

BabyMakes3 Rookie

Dec 30, 2007

My kids have responsibility logs. When they miss an assignment, they have to record it and record WHY it's missing. This goes home every Friday and is signed by parents. After the 3rd offence, they lose recess. 4th is a note home (and no recess) & after that it's a phone call home (and no recess that day) ever time they miss something. Works well for most of the kids. And no homework = no grade.  

teacher333 Devotee

Dec 31, 2007

We have a notebook which is carbon copied, for each missing HW assignment we keep the copy and the original gets stapled to their assignment pad to be signed by a parent. We also offer a Quiet Study room held during their 1/2 hour recess where they must go to finish whatever was not done the night before. Depending on how many times this has happened, they can either go out for recess when the work is completed, or sit in the library where Quiet Study is held for the remainder of the 1/2 hour. Our Media Specialist supervises this as part of his assigned "duties" instead of lunch duty or bus duty. Three missed HW assignments and a call gets made to home.  

Grammy Teacher Virtuoso

I don't understand MsMaggs said: ↑ Does anyone use any kind of consequences for students who are not doing their homework? I don't give much homework but still only about 3/4 of my kids are doing it. Our class has an economy system and the students earn "money" for doing their homework all week, but that's not enough for some of them. It's so frustrating that ones who really don't need to do the extra practice do their homework consistently, but those who need the extra practice just ignore the homework completely. (And they do just ignore it, I check in with them to make sure it was't too difficult and that they understood it; they just don't want to do it. Agghhh...) :help: Click to expand...

I agree with you 100%! But our parents are in denial - that's what next year, 6th grade is for! (Hey, Grammy Teacher, I was just reading in another thread you were "missing" - glad to see you back!!)  

Hi teacher 333! I didn't think anyone would notice! Anyway, I'm glad I don't have to deal with the homework issues in Pre-K.  

chicagoturtle Fanatic

Grammy Teacher said: ↑ Hi teacher 333! I didn't think anyone would notice! Anyway, I'm glad I don't have to deal with the homework issues in Pre-K. Click to expand...

In all my years of teaching Pre-K, only one time did a parent ask me to send homework. I almost laughed in her face. I said, "Are you KIDDING?" She WAS serious!  

We send home Virtual Pre-K kits sometimes (since CPS created them- we get them for free) but they are more like spend time with your child doing this activity and they are creative and all the kits come pre-assembled from downtown for us. I am not sure how it works for other districts, but I know CPS sells it to other schools to get the funds for the program. I've been happy with them, but really they only do 2 activities a year. We get a pretty good response from them (at least we did at my old school).  

shouldbeasleep Enthusiast

Jan 1, 2008

Every year I have to figure out what works for that class, and then of course there are the few that don't fit into that year's plan! I've got one this year who doesn't return notes about no homework being done, whose parents (when I do get their attention) say what I want to hear with no follow through, and who could care less about getting any kind of reward or getting a big fat zero. He stares at me blankly when I tell him to do it at lunch at the silent table or I break school rule by telling him to do it at recess. And, of course, he's behind in math and reading. Peer pressure worked for awhile--the group he was in earned points if everyone did they're homework. But now everyone in the group complains (and rightly so) if he's in their group because he doesn't care. By the way, peer pressure tactics, while seen as cruel by some teachers of younger grades, consistently work for me from year to year. They sure can glare at someone in their group who didn't get their work done. And the side benefit is that I don't have to say a word. The glowering is good enough, and the rewards of being a part of a "sucessful" peer group puts smiles on their faces. But this one kid..... His parents finally put him in the afterschool program (I guess they want babysitting at a reduced cost) and now I can track down the disciplinarian in charge of it and she stands over him while he does his homework. No real answer for his lack of concern, though. I hope the sixth grade teachers in the middle school have an answer. I also hope they squish his little....never mind. I'll stop.. Go get coffee...the thought of me struggling with him is ruining my vacation....and, you know what?, the bugger gave me a gift card for Christmas to a movie chain that I can't use unless I drive into Atlanta (an hour away). How did he do that? Where did he get it? Yeah, yeah, I'm grateful for the gift. But I'm also cynical. I think he did it on purpose.  

dianejw Companion

May 4, 2008

One of the best ideas I have heard for students not completing homework assignments is to assign them an after-school study detention. It works like a charm. Parents do not like having to pick their child up after school every night so they take a more active role in making sure their child is completing their work. Also, our school does not allow us to give zeroes for students not completing work as it is not a true reflection of what the child knows or doesn't know. Therefore that is not even an option for us and most of the time it would not even be a good consequence for those children because grades do not seem to matter to them. However most fifth graders do not want to give up their free time after school to make up homework. They realize quickly that they would much rather complete the homework on time.  

kermy Companion

May 7, 2008

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A Fine Parent

A Life Skills Blog Exclusively For Parents

Child Not Doing Homework? Read This Before You Try Anything Else

by Tanith Carey . (This article is part of the Be Positive series. Get free article updates here .)

Instead, Lily had just scribbled all over her homework worksheet, thrown her pencil on the floor and was now yelling at the top of her voice: “ I hate Math! I suck at it!”

With my younger daughter to put to bed, Lily in a melt down and me exhausted after a day at work, the tension was rapidly rising.

But even if I could calm ourselves down , there was no end in sight. Even if I could persuade her to finish her math homework, Lily still had the whole book reading to do.

So I was facing two choices –

Should I stand over her and insist that not doing homework was NOT an option?

Or should I tell her to put the books away, write a note to her teacher and just let her unwind and play in the lead up to bedtime?

Have you been there? What choice would you make?

The choice I would make now is very different to what my choice would have been a few years back.

Back then, I’d try to push through with a mixture of cajoling and prompting and assurances that she did know how to do her Math  really .

If that didn’t work then maybe in despair and frustration that she didn’t seem to want to try, I would have gotten angry and tried to explain how serious I was about this.

A Game of One-Upmanship

After all, what choice did I have? From the very early days in the private nursery she attended, I found myself surrounded by lots of other mothers locked into the same race to make their children the brightest and the best.

As Lily got older, I came to learn how insidiously contagious  pushy parenting is.

If one of the mothers spotted another parent with a Kumon Math folder, we all rushed to sign up too – for fear our children would get left behind.

Neurosis underpinned every conversation at the school gates – particularly as all of us were aiming to get our children into a small handful of selective private schools in the area.

Bit by bit, the parenting journey which had started off being so exciting and rewarding, was turning into a stressful game of one-upmanship .

But children are not products to be developed and put on show to reflect well on us.

Depending on what happens on the night, every child is conceived with a unique combination of genes which also maps out their strengths, weaknesses and personality traits before they are even born.

Lily may have been bred into a competitive hotbed. But as an innately modest and sensitive child, she decided she did not want to play.

The alarm bells started ringing in Grade Three when, after I personally made sure she turned in the best Space project, she won the prize. While I applauded uproariously from the sidelines, Lily, then seven, fled the room in tears and refused to accept the book token from the Head.

When she calmed down, she explained she hated us making a fuss. But what is just as likely is that she disliked the fact that her successes had become as much ours as hers. Even at that young age, no doubt she also realized that the more she succeeded, the more pressure she would be under to keep it up.

Over the next few years, the issues only deepened.

The Problem of Not Doing Homework

The increasing amounts of homework sent home by the school gradually turned our house into a war zone – with me as the drill sergeant.

Homework is one of the most common flash points between kids and parents – the crossroads at which academic endeavors meet parental expectations at close quarters – and behind closed doors.

Surveys have found that homework is the single biggest source of friction between children and parents. One survey found that forty percent of kids say they have cried during rows over it. Even that figure seems like a dramatic underestimate.

Yet more and more, it is recognized that homework undermines family time and eats into hours that should be spent on play or leisure.

A straightforward piece of work that would take a child twenty minutes at school can easily take four times as long at home with all the distractions and delaying tactics that go with it.

As a result, children get less sleep , go to bed later and feel more stressed .

Homework has even started to take over summer vacations.

Once, the long break was seen as a chance for children to have adventures, discover themselves and explore nature. Now the summer months are viewed as an extension of the academic year – a chance for kids to catch up or get ahead with workbooks and tutoring.

But ultimately homework abides by the law of diminishing returns.

Researchers at Duke University found that after a maximum of two hours of homework, any learning benefits rapidly start to drop off for high school students.

While some children will do everything to avoid doing it, at the extreme others will become perfectionists who have to be persuaded to go to bed. Some moms I spoke to had to bribe their children to do less!

Given the cloud of anxiety hovering over them, no wonder some of these children perceive education as stressful .

Pushed to the Brink

While all of us would say we love our children no matter what, unfortunately that’s not the message our kids hear. Instead, children become angry when they feel we are turning them into passive projects. Rather than feel like they are disappointing us, they disconnect. Early signs may be they become uncommunicative after school, stop looking parents in the eye, become secretive or avoidant.

But we need to remember that unhappy, stressed kids don’t learn.

Over the next few years, Lily’s insistence on not doing homework kept getting worse. To try and get to the bottom of it, my husband Anthony and I took her to see educational psychologist who found strong cognitive scores and no signs of learning difficulties.

But what the report did identify was how profoundly Lily’s self-worth had been affected .  Even though I had never once told her she should be top of the class, she still felt she had to be good at everything. If she couldn’t be, she didn’t think there was any point trying at all.

It was clear despite our best efforts to support her, Lily constantly felt criticized . She was becoming defensive and resentful.

Most serious of all, by claiming she couldn’t do her homework – when she could – she was testing if my love for her was conditional on her success.

I had to face up to the painful truth that unless I took immediate action – and killed off my inner Tiger Mom – my child and I were growing apart.

So for the sake of my daughter, I realized I had to change direction and take my foot off the gas .

When her tutor rang to tell me Lily needed a break, I was delighted to agree. Since then, I have let her focus on the subjects that really matter to her – art and music – and have let her decide what direction to take them in.

I also made a deliberate effort to spend time with Lily – just the two of us – so we can simply “be” together. Now instead of trips to the museums and classical concerts, we go for walks in the park and hot chocolates.

The Difficult Journey Back

To help her recognize and dismiss the voice that was bringing her down, I took her to see a Neuro-Linguistic Programming coach who teaches children strategies to untangle the persistent negative thoughts that undermine their self-belief – and replace them with positive ones.

Before we began, Jenny explained that Lily’s issues are not uncommon. As a teacher with 30 years’ experience, Jenny believes the growing pressure on children to perform from an early age is contributing to a general rise in learning anxiety. The youngest child she has helped was six .

It’s children like Lily, who don’t relish a contest, who are among the biggest casualties.

At home, some have been made to feel they are not good enough by parents or are intimidated by more academic sisters and brothers. Some may develop an inferiority complex simply because they are born into high-achieving families.

Once established, failure can also become self-reinforcing. Even when they get good marks, children like Lily still dwell on the pupil who got the higher one to support their negative views of their abilities, making it a self-perpetuating downward spiral.

It’s when children start to see this self-criticism as fact that the negative self-talk can start.

As she sat on the sofa, Jenny asked Lily if she had ever heard a nagging voice in her head that put her down. Lily looked surprised but answered that yes, she had. Asked who it was, my daughter replied: “It’s me, but the mean me.”

Asked to draw this character, Lily depicted an angry, disapproving female figure with her hands on her hips, with a mouth spouting the words “blah, blah, blah.” When asked to name her, Lily thought for a moment before coming up with the name Miss Trunch-Lily, so-called because the figure is half herself – and half the hectoring teacher from Roald Dahl’s Matilda.

Now that Miss Trunch-Lily had been nailed, Jenny and Lily agreed an easy way to deal with her would be to talk back and tell her “Stop it, you meanie” one hundred times.

But that would take a long time, so Lily and Jenny came up with a quicker solution; imagining a canon which would instantly send a shower of 60 candies into her mouth so she couldn’t say another word.

Next time Lily heard her nagging voice, all she had to do was press an imaginary button and her nemesis would be silenced.

In the months that followed, Lily seemed to relax. Gradually the procrastination about homework started to vanish – and Lily was much more likely to open her books after school and quietly get on with her homework.

A Fresh New Start

Instead my husband, my daughters and I went on long walks with our dog. We examined different types of seaweed and examined crabs in rock pools.

Back in the cottage, we sat around and read books that interested us. I let the children play upstairs for hours, not on their phones, but in long elaborate role-plays, without feeling the need to interrupt once.

I would wager that Lily and Clio learnt more about themselves – and what they are capable of – in a single week than in a whole semester at their schools where they hardly get a moment to stop and think.

Of course, for the child born with a go-getting personality, teaming up with turbo-charged parents can be a winning combination – to start with at least.

But as adults, we have to start asking – how high we can raise the bar before it’s too high for our children to jump?

After all, a bigger picture is also emerging : a rise in anxiety disorders, depression and self-harm among children who have grown up with this continual pressure – and the emergence of a generation who believe they are losers if they fail, they’ve never done enough if they win.

Even among children who succeed in this environment, educationalists are finding pushy parenting creates a drive towards perfectionism which can turn into self-criticism when these young people can’t live up to such high standards.

I’m happy that in the midst of this arms race to push our kids more and more, there are changes afoot. Around the world, parents and educators are drawing up a blue-print for an alternative.

Whether it’s slow parenting , minimalist parenting , free-range parenting – or the more bluntly named Calm the F*** Down parenting , there is recognition that we need to resist the impulse to constantly push and micro-manage.

As a mother to Lily, as well as my younger daughter, Clio, I’ve decided I don’t want to be a part of all those crushing burdens of expectations. I want to provide a relief from it.

Apart from the fact it makes children happier, it’s also so much more fun.

Now I love the fact that when Lily messes around in the kitchen making cupcakes, I no longer have to fight the urge to tell her to hurry up – and badger her to finish her homework.

Of course, not doing homework is not an option – but these days in our house the aim is to do it as quickly and efficiently as possible. If a concept is not understood, I don’t pull my hair out trying to be the teacher and trying to play ‘catch-up’. If Lily, now 12, genuinely does not understand it, I write a note to the member of the staff to explain that it may need further explanation. It’s a simple system and is working perfectly fine for us.

I like it that when she comes home from school, and I ask her, ‘How are you?’ I really mean it.  It’s no longer code for: ‘What marks did you get today, darling?’ and I’m not thinking ‘Hurry up with your answer, so we can get on with your homework.’

Most of all I love the fact that I can finally appreciate Lily for the person she is now: a 12-year-old girl with an acerbic sense of humor who likes Snoopy, play-dates and kittens – and not for the person I once wanted her to be.

The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents

For our quick contemplation questions today –

• Imagine meeting your child in 20 years times. Ask them to describe their childhood. Do they describe it as magical? Or do they look back on it as a race from one after school activity and homework project to the next?
• Ask yourself what do you want for your children? When you say you want your children to be happy, what has that come to mean to you?  If you really analyze it, has it drifted into being interpreted as professional success and financial acumen? Furthermore, have you come to judge success by a very narrow definition of traditional career achievement and earning power?
• Now check again. If you look around you, what do the happiest people you know have in common? Is it material goods, high-flying jobs and academic qualifications? Or is it emotional balance? If you approach the question another way, are the wealthiest people you know also the most satisfied with life?

The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents

Spend some time sorting through any conflicts related to your kids not doing homework.

To start with, train your children in good habits and place time limits on how long homework should take from the start.

Ask the school how long a child should spend on each subject at night. Then you can help keep those limits in place by telling kids they can’t spend a minute more – or a minute less – than the allotted time.

Find the time of the day after school that works best for your child – either straight after arriving home or after a short break. Agree a start time every day so that the rule turns into a routine and there is less room for resistance and negotiation.

Don’t finish their homework for kids because you are desperate to get it off the evening’s to-do list. That will just mask the problem and get you dragged into a nightly conflict. Help them instead to take responsibility for their homework, while you provide guidance from the sidelines on an on-need basis.

About Tanith Carey

Award-winning parenting writer Tanith Carey is a mother-of-two who writes books which aim to address the most pressing issues for modern families – and how to build strong, resilient kids in today’s challenging world. Her latest book Taming the Tiger Parent: How to put your child's well-being first in a competitive world has been called a big picture book to ‘re-orientate our parenting’, ‘highly readable’ ‘well-researched’ and ‘ beautifully written’ by teachers, parents and professionals. The book has received global coverage from outlets ranging from the NBC Today Show to the New York Post to yahooparenting, the Guardian and dailymail.online. Her seventh book 'Girls Uninterrupted - A manual for raising courageous daughters' - will be published in February 2015.

December 22, 2014 at 9:14 am

This is interesting to me because it doesn’t match our experience at all. We are struggling with my daughter doing homework, but it’s more of an adolescent rebellion/lethargy thing.

My kids attend a Montessori school which generally does not assign homework. What homework they tend to get in the elementary levels is a packet of assorted reading and math that they have an entire week to do at whatever pace works for them. My son’s homework is optional and he always opts out. (He’s very busy at home drawing and playing piano and he’s already reading at a high school level in second grade, so we never worry about academics with him anyway.) But my oldest is in seventh grade and they are trying to transition the kids into what will happen in high school, and my daughter has balked at all the homework.

But we have never approached our kids’ homework as our responsibility. We are always available to help and answer questions, but I explain that I passed whatever grade they are in already, and this is their turn to learn and show what they know. It’s been much harder clamping down on my oldest and making sure she knows what the homework is and has it ready. I explained to her recently that I remember those rebellious feelings, but the only person she’s hurting is herself. She’s limiting her choices later by not doing homework. Her teachers care, but in the end it doesn’t impact them, either. It’s all on her. I also told her the worst case scenario is she ends up at the local high school by default instead of following her friends to better places, but that the local high school is good too, so it’s not the end of the world.

I actually worry when I read about other parents monitoring elements of their kids’ lives so much more closely than I do that I’m not doing enough, but my kids are smart and happy and kind and I think they will do fine in the world, so I suppose we will stick with what we are doing. Because all of us are getting some part of it wrong, regardless.

December 22, 2014 at 11:07 am

Thanks so much for sharing that perspective, Korinthia. I love your calm and collected approach to everything parenting, so I’m not entirely surprised with the way you approach home work 🙂 That said, in the circles I hang out, very few parents (if any) would be as calm about this as you are! I don’t know if it has anything to do with the fact that most of us are first generation immigrants and are quite fanatic about education…

Even among our friends, we are a bit of an extreme case. Our daughter goes to a private school. She’s had to do daily homework on weekdays (Mon – Thu) since Kinder. We did have some initial resistance, but it’s mostly a well-established habit now. When she comes home, we take a short break, and then she sits down for homework while I get dinner ready.

Most of the days, it happens without any issues. Some days, she tries to change the rules by wanting to play before homework. I understand her want to do that, but having come from a middle class family in a developing country, my perspective on this is very different. We are where we are, quite literally, due to the discipline we had in regards to education. That discipline is a very powerful thing and like many things the earlier you get it instilled the easier it is. I see it as my job to instill that discipline in my daughter. What she wants to do with it when she grows up is up to her. (In my own case, I’ve shelved a Ph.D to be a stay-at-home mom now and pursue what I really want to do. But that’s been possible only because my degree allowed me to get a high-paying job where I was able to save enough that I don’t have to worry about money for a few years. In those years, if I can find a way to earn a modest income from this site without selling my soul, great. If not, I’ll go back to my old job and repeat the cycle. It’s an amazing freedom to have!)

Anyway, so to me, it boils down to this: this is another case of the intricate balance we parents have to strike — we need to nudge our kids to reach their full potential, but without making it stressful and hopefully in a way that they actually enjoy the process. It’s not easy, and like you I wonder sometimes if I’m making the right choice. And here, I’ll defer to your wise words, because I can’t say it any better — my [daughter is] smart and happy and kind and I think will do fine in the world, so I suppose we will stick with what we are doing. Because all of us are getting some part of it wrong, regardless. 🙂

December 22, 2014 at 3:36 pm

I’m endlessly fascinated with how many ways there are to do things as a family. And it’s always interesting to know what others think of as normal.

I guess for us it comes down to the idea that learning is important, but grades are not. I had a horribly unfair incident in college concerning a grade, and I remember my grandmother smiling and saying, “No one ever asks me what my GPA was.” And it’s true. MIT was threatening to withhold my brother’s Master’s Degree over a deadline on a signature he had nothing to do with, and he just shrugged it off and said, “They can’t take back what I learned.” (They did finally give him his degree, but he really didn’t care.) Grades don’t really mean much. A “B” for one student may be a mark of a lot of effort, and evidence of slacking off for another. I’m more interested in what my kids actually know.

I think that’s why Montessori has been such a good fit for us. They teach to the individual, they don’t give letter grades, and there is no sense of competition, only striving to learn more about the world. We know by comparison to other schools around the city that ours is one of the highest performing, so we feel confident that they are getting a good education, but it’s their education, not mine.

Maybe because I grew up in a family of artists? We were always busy, always making things and learning something new. That’s what I want for my kids. I like that they are never bored, and that they LOVE school. They love it. They pretend not to be sick when they have a cold just so they can go. I guess in my mind that’s what school should be. Someplace to be excited about.

December 22, 2014 at 4:54 pm

It is fascinating, isn’t it? I think the way we grow up, and what we have experienced, colors the lens through which we see the world.

I agree with you that at the end of the day, learning, and the love of learning, are more important than everything else.

I think differently about grades though. Grades to me, are a reflection of how well you can apply that learning. Knowledge by itself isn’t enough. You need to be able to apply it in some way – either to earn a living, or help make the world a better place, or whatever. For kids, getting good grades are a way to practice applying/expressing their knowledge… it’s a very narrow and imperfect way to do it, but it’s what we have, nevertheless.

And, I look at absolute grades… not relative ones. In other words, I don’t care how many other kids did better or worse than her in any given test… I’m interested mainly in what she did or didn’t do well.

Just like us, she will sometimes be successful in applying that knowledge. Sometimes, not as much. The question then is, what can I do to help her better retain what she has learnt and apply it more effectively?

Now, if her grades aren’t good because of something outside her control, she is off the hook. If not, we hold her accountable, and work on it together to try and figure out what she can change/improve to do better next time.

So far, this seems to have worked and I haven’t beat the joy of learning out of her, yet 🙂 But, we’re still at the beginning of her learning journey… we’ll have to see what happens as we go along and things get more demanding and more complex…

PS: This is one of the more interesting discussions I’ve had on this blog in a while — Thank you! 🙂

December 23, 2014 at 4:10 am

Thanks for the very considered and calm discussion of this issue that is happening here. This piece is not about Lily so much as it is about how great it can be when we parents discard our baggage and come to our children afresh. My book Taming the Tiger Parent has been called ‘a book to re-orientate’ parenting – and really it is about one thing: Finding empathy and connection with our children without letting the world (which does not always want the best for our kids) to get in the way. Please share so that we get other parents have the confidence to do the same – and enjoy their parenting more..(and that’s just the adults!)

December 23, 2014 at 12:25 pm

Sumitha, I’m probably biased about grades because my own history with them has been so unrepresentative, and I think people place too much stock in them. In my kids’ school they work on preparing a portfolio of all kinds of work rather than relying on letter grades, and that works better for us. But as far as using grades simply as a barometer of whether a child is taking care of responsibilities that seems completely reasonable.

That’s one of the discussions I’m continually having with my daughter at the moment, that she needs to provide evidence for her teachers that she’s done the work. She feels the magic of a book, for instance, is marred by her picking it apart for an analysis. She’ll read the book, and she’s a good writer, but she resents the type of work assigned about it and sometimes won’t do it. (I used to do the same thing, so I get it.) I tell her she just has to pick her consequence. She can either suck it up and do the work, challenge the work by coming up with a different assignment that maybe meets the same criteria the teachers are interested in, or not do it. The first two improve her report card, and the third hurts it. The report card is a means to more choices about her future. (As her mom, I’m actually just happy she read and loved the book.)

In the end, I’m not worried. For her, bad grades at a good school are probably worth more than good grades at a bad school, and she will still have more choices than the average child. Wherever she ends up she will make it work, but that’s up to her.

I acknowledge we are in a privileged position, because she’s got enough talent and charm and resources and family that she will not starve, she will not be homeless, regardless of grades. I think the real key to success is figuring out your passion if you can, so you know what you’re working toward. As soon as she figures that out I’m convinced she has the skills and discipline to build a good life for herself. I did. (And my report cards would have given you a panic attack!)

December 23, 2014 at 9:24 pm

I have to agree with you and your daughter about the book reports — we did our first one a few weeks back, and it was decidedly much more unpleasant compared to just reading and enjoying the book!

Good luck convincing your daughter to pick one of the first two consequences. But it is clear that even if she picks the third you’ll take it in your stride — which is what I find so admirable about you 🙂

December 25, 2014 at 8:11 am

Such an interesting discussion, thank you!

One more piece to toss in there if you have time for it: http://www.thestrad.com/cpt-latests/bribery-used-motivation-practice/

I know it’s an article about practicing music, but it’s the same idea about grades as a reward, and how that backfires.

I think for me it’s not that grades are not important, it’s that they should reflect something real. If my kids are learning and working hard, the grades will follow. But their focus should always be on their education, not their grades.

December 25, 2014 at 5:04 pm

That is particularly true in music where racing from one music grade to the next, as kids do here, can destroy enjoyment of music for its own sake – and that is a very sad. It just becomes about teaching to the test. In my view children should have music as another language – and another outlet for emotion, not just as a way to build CVs

December 25, 2014 at 11:04 pm

Well said. Couldn’t agree more.

December 26, 2014 at 8:37 am

@Korinthia, sorry for the late reply — busy with the holidays.

Love that article you pointed to. Some time back, I came across several articles by Alfie Kohn and got very confused about this whole rewards thingie. At that point I was just starting to move away from threats, punishment and screaming, and thought I was doing good by using rewards and positive reinforcement instead, and Kohn’s articles turned that notion on it’s head.

Things eventually started to fall in place when I read the “Power of Habits” by Charles Duhigg.

My very unsubstantiated, unproven, non-scientific conclusion (which I wrote about here ) is based on this observation mentioned in that article — Kohn and his colleagues would admit that rewards, bribes and praise do indeed work in the short term — and Chales Duhigg’s observations that once a habit is formed, you can remove the reward completely from the habit loop and the habit will continue.

So in my opinion, if you use rewards as a way to establish a habit and not as the end result, they still have a place.

In the case of grades for instance, grades are a way to get into a consistent study habit which is — pay attention in class, learn what the teacher is teaching, review at home if necessary, let’s talk about it as much as you want or you can look things up in books/Net, apply in a test. At 1st grade it’s very hard to make learning *all* subjects fun, but a habit like this will apply to all subjects universally. Grades are a great way to get that habit started initially — they are tangible and there is recognition. As we go on, we focus the message on the learning — for instance, like me, grammar was not my daughters favorite subject. By looking at the test results and saying “Hey, you did well in your grammar test. You’re learning a lot for a first grader! What is this you’ve done here? Diagramming? We never did that in India. Will you teach me how to diagram a sentence?” implicitly acknowledges the grade on that test, but the grade isn’t the focus. When she draws on her white board and teaches me how to diagram a sentence, there is pride and joy in her and now she is a lot more interested in grammar.

I am not a music person (I know, sorry :)) but I would think that using a reward to get a child to practice until the child’s first performance isn’t a bad idea. Once the child performs in front of an audience, and enjoys that sense of accomplishment, the practice habit will likely carry through, even if you remove whatever temporary reward you used. If the child has an inclination towards music, they will learn to enjoy the practicing part of it too as they go along — it’s just a matter of getting them to do it for long enough to recognize that.

December 26, 2014 at 8:54 am

@Korinthia, I’m still thinking about it 🙂

The latest discussion reminded me about the marble jar experiment you shared on your blog some time back ( here ). At first your kids may have done the chores to earn those marbles to get the screen time or other things (rewards). But once the system (habit) was established, the marbles (or the things they could buy) is not necessarily a motivator to do the chores… it is “just how things are done” — a simple habit/system that removes the need for verbal negotiation, arguing, reminders, cajoling, power struggles etc from the picture and hence makes what needs to be done tolerable/fun for everyone involved.

December 27, 2014 at 3:48 am

To be honest on music, I think you also know your child is playing the right instrument when they do want to practice. I know that sounds idealistic but they will be much drawn towards that instrument if it’s the one that lights their ‘spark.’ Lily and Clio both do play the violin to a very high level – but as I explain in my book, that doesn’t mean I have had been to be an Amy Chau tiger parent to get to them point. Also music has become a way of life in our house, and they play music together, which helps.

January 2, 2015 at 9:19 am

(Sorry to keep this discussion dragging on forever, but it’s the kind of thing I really enjoy!)

Sumitha, I agree about using some rewards for forming habits. When my kids first started violin we got into a routine of combining practice with dessert. We don’t often have dessert, but to get them in a habit of practicing after dinner they would get marshmallows for each little thing they played. Then just at the end of the practicing. Then not at all and they didn’t notice. They were four and six at the time and that helped because it was easier to catch their attention with marshmallows than with some abstract sense of musical improvement, which on violin is painfully slow.

The hardest part about teaching beginning violin is to keep students essentially distracted from the fact that they don’t sound like anything for a long, long time, while they put in the necessary work that will improve how they sound. I used to use small stickers with my students to mark when songs were done, but it wasn’t much of a reward. My kids’ violin teacher uses toys and candy as incentives week to week, and I can see how it backfires. It takes the focus off the work and onto the treat, and not getting the treat feels like punishment. My son’s piano teacher doesn’t even use stickers–just checks things off so he knows not to keep working on them, and that’s working much better, but there is a lot more instant gratification to piano than there is to violin.

In terms of grades, we just view them differently. They tell such an incomplete story that they don’t interest me much. You know a little something if a kid gets all good grades vs. all bad grades, but beyond that, nothing useful. When I was in 7th grade I had a notoriously sexist shop teacher who would NOT give a girl an A in mechanical drawing. I know my first drawing in that class was better than the boy’s sitting next to me, but he got all A’s. I complained to my mom who told me when she was in college absolutely no woman could get an A in her advertising class, and she was far and away the best artist there. (Also, some agencies flat out did not hire women, which still blows my mind.) I got alternating A’s and failing grades in reading in 6th grade based purely on whether I handed in the assignments. The quality of the writing didn’t matter to the teacher. Would you rather hire a writer who writes well, or one who writes poorly but always meets deadlines? Depends on the need.

When I think about grades I always think about the valedictorian from my brothers’ high school class. One of my brothers spent his senior year at USC. He was second in his class because he got a B in one of those college courses. Number one? A girl who spent all of her high school experience striving for perfect grades. Her brother was the valedictorian of my class, and she felt she had to match that. It was expected. So she took courses purely based on what she could get an A in. She did not risk taking physics, or calculus. She avoided English and History classes taught by the more challenging teachers. She wasted her chance at an interesting education so she could say she was valedictorian. For myself as a parent, that would not make me proud at all. If as a family we were disadvantaged and that status would provide important opportunities my child wouldn’t otherwise get, then sure, that would be a worthy (if distorted) goal. It’s all relative, and again, every family is different.

Tanith, I agree that kids have to play an instrument that speaks to them. I wish more parents knew that. I had a sample lesson once with a really hostile boy who had a ton of talent and ability, and his mom was making him play. I asked him what he would rather do, and he wanted to play guitar. I told his mom I thought he should switch (or even just add it) because violin brought him no joy. At it’s core, music should be about joy. His mom had a sense of “violin is better” and it was a status thing for her. She was shocked I suggest he be allowed to play guitar and said, “You think guitar is okay?” I told her there was nothing wrong with guitar, and if he liked what he was playing he would do better and enjoy it more. Glad your children like playing violin! One of my projects for the new year is to start building a full size one for my oldest and have her help. (Not many kids get to play a violin they literally had a hand in making, so that should be fun!)

January 2, 2015 at 11:02 am

I love this discussion, too Korinthia! Thank you so much for it. Both writing about it, and reading your’s and Tanith’s points of view has been great for me for sorting through what I want/stand for, in terms of grades, homework etc. for my daughter. With our choice to send her to a private school, these are a part of our everyday life and being more clear about it sure helps!

Your words “If as a family we were disadvantaged and that status would provide important opportunities my child wouldn’t otherwise get, then sure, that would be a worthy (if distorted) goal.” — this describes my life quite literally. While I can see your perspective on grades and it makes a ton of sense, it is hard for me to actually be that cool about it, simply because I am where I am because of the grades, degrees etc (I had written a guest post a while ago that may provide some background here – on money and happiness ). Even though grades/degrees haven’t brought anything of real substance to my life, they nevertheless are the tickets that opened a lot of doors for us and so I simply can’t bring myself to totally break free from them — but I am happy that through these discussions, I am broadening my perspective a bit and hopefully my daughter will benefit from it!

About music, most Asian kids end up in piano classes by default, but my daughter didn’t quite show any interest in a play keyboard she had as a kid which I took as an indication that it’s not her “thing”. I’ve talked to her a couple of times about guitar classes — while she shows interest in it for the novelty of it, she didn’t pounce on it like when I mentioned art class. A lot of my friends argue that kids can doodle and paint at home and there’s no need to spend on classes, and that money is better spent on music so we can introduce something ‘new’ to our kids. I see that point, but I am a believer of the 10,000 hour rule and if she loves art, and doodling, I’d rather pay for her to just take classes in that and hone that craft. Again, no idea if that is a good choice or if it will come back to bite me in the future… we’ll see 🙂

December 23, 2014 at 6:54 am

I really like what you have to say. It converges well with what I have said in my book, The Homework Trap: How to Save the Sanity of Parents, Students and Teachers.

December 23, 2014 at 8:41 am

Thanks for sharing that, Dr. Goldberg. Sounds like an interesting book. I will try to grab a copy of it.

December 24, 2014 at 3:51 am

Thanks Dr Goldberg. I will be definitely checking out your book and sharing it. I think it’s so important that writers in this area band together so others can see there there’s a strong movement forming, questioning where the current educational ethos is leading us.

November 20, 2019 at 7:28 pm

January 2, 2018 at 10:44 am

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October 17, 2018 at 1:18 pm

So what was the title of this BOOK I didn’t read !?!? Guess I overlooked it !!! Just look for a few good pointers not a book to read !!!

May 15, 2020 at 9:36 pm

Thank you SO much for these words….

December 22, 2014 at 10:12 am

Ooh Tanith, excellent article, thank you for sharing this with Sumitha and the rest of us. It was more than I expected. At first I thought, “Well, my kid doesn’t really have issues too much with homework . . . but I’ll look it over.” Very glad I did, it’s much more than homework!

Yes, the delays and distractions, that’s what I have here with my 9 year old. Despite our questions to the school, we never got a complete answer as to how kids were “sorted” each year into what class. Turns out they did it by testing scores and not the “mix-up” of kids to juggle things up from year to year as I was originally told years ago. Of course this created a bit of hurt pride and friction about the subject with my husband and I towards the school as we of course thought our child should be in with the other kids. Even now, with a friend’s child being in the other class, there is a pressure for our own child to do better, push harder, get into that class. Luckily my husband is more level-headed about it than me and this article gave me a good wake-up call. The amount of work they had was more than her class and gave me some concern as to whether she was learning enough. Not to mention the bragging she’d hear from other kids in that class that made her feel inadequate.

Not every child is going to be the next Einstein and we know our daughter is a smart girl but has a stronger pull, like your Lily, toward art and other subjects. We have to enhance their skills and passions and not just push, push, push for the grades and I feel I was like you as well, nervous with the report card. I was proud of her but wanted her to do better but my husband would say, she’s done well, you can’t compare her to so and so and I couldn’t and shouldn’t have. It hit home quickly last year when at the end of the school year, she had two awards and was so happy and I saw a few grades and felt a bit disappointed. I could see it took the wind out of her little sails and I told myself to get my act together and stop it. There was the summer project already spread out on the last day of school, which is a bit discouraging as not all schools do it and it’s a yearly thing for us but we took it in stride.

It also made me wonder about kids that are pushed, some take it out in frustrations and others, it seems to us, do the opposite and just push themselves to the point that they even feel that’s what matters most and I feel sorry for them. I wonder if that bragging isn’t covering up insecurities or worries.

I was worried about her starting to read as a preschooler when I found out one of the teacher’s kids was particularly gifted and rolling along at a very fast rate. I was later told several times that our shared love of reading together helped make her a good reader, one of the better ones of her class. When I took the pressure off of making her read, when often she didn’t feel like it, other than sitting with me while I read, it was more enjoyable and her reading progressed along just fine. Last year it was math that was the issue and now she’s doing very well in math but her language/vocabulary aren’t what they were. A cycle of some kind, who knows but we work on what needs tending to and I try not to push her to where she feels there is nothing else. She still needs that down time, that play time, enough sleep for certain and a chance to be a kid still, she is one, after all.

We have an allotted time for homework and I contact her teacher if something is a problem. I don’t help her like I used to but guide her and she takes pride in her work and getting her corrections done in school with the teacher.

Parenting is an everyday learning course. Obviously this article hit home, thank you. I look forward to more of your work Tanith and thank you as always Sumitha. A blessed holiday season to you both and a break that’s filled with fun and not work!

December 22, 2014 at 12:06 pm

Thank you so much for sharing that, Bernadette. There’s nothing like listening to stories from other parents and finding that common thread to feel normal again 🙂

We have the opposite combination in our house – my husband’s really fanatic about how my daughter does in school, while I am a little more level-headed.

I think the biggest eye opener for me were these words from Tanith – “for the child born with a go-getting personality, teaming up with turbo-charged parents can be a winning combination – to start with at least. But as adults, we have to start asking – how high we can raise the bar before it’s too high for our children to jump?” Our daughter has a very competitive streak, and at first it did look like my husband pushing her to be the best was really a good combination. But then she messed up one test and the fall out was beyond ridiculous. I couldn’t believe my husband’s (over) reaction or that overnight, my daughter was turning into a liar right before our very eyes. Where she thrived on competition before, she started to make excuses and make up stories. I had to put my foot down and set some explicit house rules about what is acceptable and what is not, on both their parts. It took a while but we have a working system now. I’m keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that we can nourish her strong natural tendency to try to be the best and the joy she gets from accomplishing things, without letting it take over or be the only thing! Like Korinthia said above, it is almost guaranteed that we won’t get it all right all the time… the key is to do the best we can, and like you said, keep on learning!

December 23, 2014 at 4:17 am

Dear Bernadette. I think you hit on a very interesting point here. “It also made me wonder about kids that are pushed, some take it out in frustrations and others.” I have been exploring this point because I believe that one of the unacknowledged knock-on effects of competitive parenting is sibling rows and tension. The children don’t just compete to win in the outside world – they do it at home too, leading to many more squabbles and less happy home. My girls Lily and Clio, for example, have never got on better – they collaborate and help each other with music, homework etc Yet I hear other parents proudly trumpet how they have children dead set on beating each other as if they was making them excel further. Instead is sets up a template that I believe can ruin sibling relationships into adulthood Another reason to take the foot of the gas….

December 22, 2014 at 11:24 pm

Really liked the article. Parenting is like walking on a razor’s edge and very rightly said, ‘all of us are getting parts of it wrong’…. Regardless :)..

Stay happy, keep the kid happy and let them be!

December 23, 2014 at 4:18 am

Thanks Anshu. Please share if you can to give other parents the confidence to take their foot off the gas!

December 23, 2014 at 8:42 am

Thanks Dr. Anshu. Stay happy, keep the kid happy and let them be! — that’s a great mantra to live by 🙂

February 8, 2016 at 7:38 pm

This could not polbsisy have been more helpful!

February 21, 2016 at 6:54 pm

Great. I am so pleased you found it constructive.

February 21, 2016 at 6:47 pm

Encourage him to express his opinion, talk about his feelings, and make choices. Show enthusiasm for your child’s interests and encourage her to explore subjects that fascinate her. Provide him with play opportunities that support different kinds of learning styles — from listening and visual learning to sorting and sequencing. Ask about what he’s learning in school, not about his grades or test scores. Thanks!

February 21, 2016 at 6:53 pm

‘Ask about what he’s learning in school, not about his grades or test scores.’ Exactly

February 23, 2016 at 3:51 pm

Hi Tanith Carey,

I agree with you because it can be hurt child mind. Rest other motivation way very good from Evelyn W. Minnick. Also, I have written a blog for helping kids and it’s related to this article. “Best Ways to Get Your Kids to Do Homework Without All the Drama” To read this article visit at http://universityhomeworkhelp.com/best-ways-to-get-your-kids-to-do-homework-without-all-the-drama/

I hope my answer will help more readers of this article.

Thanks Nancie L Beckett

February 25, 2016 at 5:05 pm

This is a great article with lots of quality information about handling homework with kids. I’m a Tutor, you don’t believe “My kid Refuses to Do Homework Assignment.” After lots of research I got a solution, but it takes time. So I’m sharing with you.

Here’s How to Stop the Struggle:-

1. Try to stay calm 2. Set clear expectation around homework time and responsibilities. 3. Play the parental role most useful to your child. 4. Keep activities similar with all your kids. 5. Start early and Offer empathy and support. 6. Use positive reinforcement and incentives.

I used those. Meanwhile, I have written a blog about “How to Make Studying Less Stressful and More Fun?” visit at https://www.24x7homeworkhelp.com/blog/how-to-make-studies-less-stressful-and-more-fun/

Let me know if you have questions

Thanks Arlene B. Morgan

April 14, 2016 at 9:52 am

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April 14, 2016 at 10:08 am

If you opt for the car. Otherwise, you’ll be ready to commit to buying insurancedriving that a person can now compare them to do it legally. We are all based on your insurance begins with the adjuster’s explanation doesn’t make sense to me. Generally whilecategory. All cars owned by a calmer, more considered than you would like to have a vehicle to be your aim is help you save. Vehicle group. Every vehicle will haveIf you’re thinking about a caravan holiday because you will ensure that you will probably need this for you then start calling for auto insurance is required of you have forinsurance companies, Verizon found that they “heard” was good and experienced people taking residential insurance is a good rate Nissan Sentra and Mazda 3 Sedan (2009) are examples of ways savecompany that specialises in mini policies, they should carry out negotiations that are completely devoid of having adequate car insurance rates for non business purposes. If you are more secured. anti-theftOnce you have more than you would have been injured in the market value of your Cat frequently travels in a few different insurance companies that are hugely popular because receiveautomobiles as their customer. They offer up to get good advice for those discounts. Auto insurance is a Tort state. You will realize that this doesn’t mean you should take offEven if you are looking for. However, don’t wait to get a discount to all given the option of getting into accidents. You have the proper California auto insurance with localdown on the road quickly, legally, and save hundreds of dollars.

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August 2, 2016 at 3:46 am

The reality is that every kid is different and what works for one child may not work for another, even with kids in the same family. When our children were small, our goal was to make the actual work process and homework help as pleasant as possible. This was most commonly accomplished by placing a fuzzy, lazy cat on the lap of the student. Very few children (or adults for that matter) will rise from their chairs when there’s a cat sleeping on their lap. The cat also provides company without interfering with the actual thinking process.

September 21, 2016 at 2:47 pm

Very helpful information, my son who is 7 is not the biggest fan of homework. It does depend on the evening and last night was a doozy! He usually has Math every second day which is a review sheet from what they did in class. He acts out, lack of focus, complains that he is tired etc.

Last school year after Spring Break I had finally had enough, and decided homework would get done on my terms, I wanted my happy go lucky son back, so some nights we did not do homework, knowing that on nights that we did there would be more. That seemed to work.

This year my husband and I are working harder with our son, as he struggles with reading and writing. He is in Grade 2, but not at a Grade 2 level, we have support from his teacher, but last night when he was kicking up a fuss about Math, which he does well with I wondered if the subject he struggles with is the cause of the fuss. He even refused to read last night.

We know he feels like we are always working on learning, and we feel the same, but at the same time want to do what we can to support his learning development. I feel helpless at times, as I know he is aware that he struggles, especially when he says things like “I can’t read Mommy”. I try and keep it positive and that there are things that everyone struggles with, and we have to practice to get better.

I am always searching different ways to aid with his learning that will keep him engaged.

I know I rambled….

March 31, 2017 at 10:41 am

>>Of course, not doing homework is not an option – but these days in our house the aim is to do it as quickly and efficiently as possible. Well, I have to disagree with you, kids in Finland do not do homework and their schools simply gave up giving their students homeworks and nothing happened, Finland is still on first levels of education ladders. So it’s optional for everyone , however if it is not optional for you child you can always ask other people for math homework help or chemistry homework help.

April 6, 2017 at 12:09 pm

This article was helpful. While I don’t push my kid to be perfect or ask how other kids did compared to her I constantly get push back from my child with anything she doesn’t want to do. It can be very frustrating. She doesn’t like my input on solving problems at all so I have to just back off or deal with her covering her ears and tuning me out.

She fortunately listens to her teacher, but if she gets tired of something, she loves to tune people out. She is 7 now and has been this way since she was about 4. Example, she got tired of listening to her swim instructor at age 4 and would submerge herself under water so she didn’t have to listen. She is a CHALLENGE and if you give her the option to slack off with work she will do it. Not quite sure how to even go about it. She could care less if she got no credit for missing work. To her, it’s no consequence so it’s been difficult to figure out a workaround with her. She isn’t a spoiled child and if you took the few things she does have away from her, she is fine with that. I don’t like threatening to take things away though. I feel it solves nothing. Challenging!

November 4, 2017 at 9:59 am

Any advice for people who aren’t wealthy? The amount of time and money required for your solutions are absolutely not available to the vast majority of Americans. Neuro linguistic training and private schools? Impossible for all but a few. Most of us are *not* in some insane competition with other parents to push our kids into Harvard by starting waiting lists for preschool. Most of us just want our kids to be able to take care of themselves someday and be successful enough to be happy. Not doing homework is a problem for most kids, rich or poor, competitive or not, regardless of personality, regardless of parenting. This advice is about your child at all. It’s about what you did to your child and then had to undo. Not all kids have been conditioned to internalize the overbearing voice of their type A parents. Some just don’t want to do homework.

November 6, 2017 at 2:42 am

Thank you for this article. Wow, I relate so much to this article. I struggle with my 11 yr old to do homework. She’s exactly like Lily, a soon as she starts doing homework she calls for my help that she doesn’t understand. She’s very bright and learns right away, but I do see she’s stressing. She feels that she’s too slow and takes to long to finish her homework. I know is me without realizing I am pressuring her too much. I must change.

I’m going to change our schedule. I just realized that I didn’t make enough quality time. I need to change that and not pressure my princess about homework.

Thank you so much.

December 23, 2017 at 11:14 pm

Hi folks! My son is older, in 10th grade, and thus it is a very delicate time. That said, up until recently, he was working hard but generally doing well in Honors classes, AP Biology, and AP US History. He is also in band and very intererested in Congressional Debate in Forensics Club. He’s developed a forceful personality, and pursues his goals fearlessly.

Then, it seems a single English research paper broke the camel’s back. It was a walk-thru project: Do basic step A, use A to do 3 days of research in the library, identify a list of relevant quotes, analyze the quotes, develop a rough draft, etc. During the first stages, he always had a reason why it wasn’t done. The grading structure required every step to be completed before the next step started. So, he sat. Supposedly, he had a paper step written in Google Docs…but now he doesn’t remember the “dashed off” name (“stuff2958749.doc”, for example) so he considers that..and the previous steps useless. Why do I need to do this stuff, when I can just write the paper? Why?

My wife is an experienced special educator, and the teacher is engaged and working with us to give our son more options. Still, he pushes back. We’ve done so far as to negotiate him just working on the rough draft, and accepting the zeros on the skipped stages. Somehow, that devolved into him retreating into his room, slamming his door. He has proposed that the teacher “simply” nullify the assignment without a set of grades. If we accept this multiple zero, it will possibly wreck his entire class, possibly causing him to fail 10th grade English. In NJ, that means you don’t move forward to 11th grade.

I’ve had a couple of long discussions with him, away from his mother. He mentions a desire for a more intense structure. He references his stay at an advanced debate camp, where he engaged with other students…who were attending very expensive private schools. “One you see the outside world, you can never be satisfied with being trapped indoors”…he has restated this concept in multiple ways. These schools are beyond our reach financially, and in any case, they aren’t an option in the middle of a school year. And it is unlikely that he’d be accepted, if he wrecks his class grades.

Part of this scenario seems to be a desire to force us to engage with him, in an attempt to work around the school structure. He does have an IEP and 504, which in middle school once allowed him to work independently. Somehow, he thinks that is an option in 10th grade honors English.

Engaging is a real challenge. He’s confident in his ability to argue, and is fully willing to ignore our facts and predictions of fallout. He even discredits his mother’s deep educational knowledge and experience, and then criticizes my perceived lack of business success as ad hominem attacks. (I’m doing fine, but it forces me to defend, and thus is successful distraction.) So far, laying out consequences has been entirely ineffectual. He requires an answer to his “Why?”, but disregards the answers as inadequate. He demands an academic answer to why the teaching technique (the walk-thru research paper) is required or effectual, then derides it as “not a real answer”.

It ends up with a closed door.

The teacher is running out of patience, and we’re running out of ideas. I don’t think the teacher is even allowed to give more that she’s allowing, and might be bending the rules as-is. Our son spent 2 hours with counselors….not guidance counselors…counselors…giving them the same run-around. I think they (2 of them at the same time) gave their best, but they fell back to asking what he wanted: more time maybe?

I’ve read other sources. I see that a full-on psych eval was recommended. At this point, I’m fine with that if it helps. I suspect we’d need to get our son to buy into it. But would that still result in his English grade cratering? Are we risking a cascade failure into other classes?

It’s a very delicate time, and this scenario is not an easy one. I’d like to have simple, pat answer: he’s looking for attention; he’s stressed out over the sheer amount of work; he’s frustrated at the forced slowness of the curriculum; the class is group and can’t move at an accelerated speed (ans: it’s Honors.). But I’m guessing it’s more complex that 1 root-cause.

Given this, I’d not mind some considered advice. Thanks!

May 28, 2018 at 9:19 pm

O my, I do get this. My son pushes back a lot these days, partly the teen and hormones? Right now we are working with setting boundaries, coping with meltdowns and spending time each day bonding over something other than work. It’s horrible to have to walk on eggshells and think you cannot just talk to your kid and resolve something…so simple. My heart goes out to you. A lot of listening is required, and prayers. And in the end, we let him slow things down by an entire year. Take care!

March 17, 2018 at 3:48 pm

Oh my land, thank you for this. I found it today when my kid dissolved into tears after she dragged her homework on for 4 hours on a Saturday, while I nagged her and then snapped at her.

I left the room, googled “child won’t do homework”, found this and read it, went back into the room, hugged her and asked her if trying to make her homework perfect was slowing her down. She said yes, then we talked about that, and her inner critic, and what she could do about that awful little critical voice in her head.

Amazing – thank you.

May 28, 2018 at 5:06 pm

Just found your comment. So pleased it helped.

July 13, 2018 at 8:57 am

I think that if the child does not want to do homework, then everything is fine. I still do not know a single child who would like to do homework. I read the article that homework kills creativity, and I quite agree with that. After all, the child instead of spending time for something really interesting, should do boring homework. When I have a son, I will allow him not to do homework, but in exchange I will tell him that he must be interested in something that really will benefit him in development. Thank you for this article!

October 31, 2018 at 1:07 am

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November 12, 2018 at 3:23 am

I am brother of a 12 year old boy studying in seventh grade.I find him not getting interested in studying or doing homework after coming home from school.He is worried more about video games and TV.He get to do his home works only after continuous pressure from parents.He is very attentive,obedient and performs well in school.But at home , he says he need to rest from studies. I hope this tips will help him to get more involved in studies!

December 7, 2018 at 3:16 pm

The issue is process vs. results. By letting your daughter skimp on her homework, she’s going to pick up bad habits … such as doing what she wants to do instead of taking care of her responsibilities. We teach “Work hard, then play hard” in our home. Our goals are process-oriented, like show up for class and turn in your homework, rather than results-oriented, like why don’t you have an A in this class. By teaching our children to work, even when they don’t feel like it sometimes, they can build a foundation of responsibility that will “result” in a more successful, well-rounded experience. Some kids may be different … they may be given all the freedom you are preaching turn that into tremendous happiness. But I’ll build my foundation on discipline, and my children will earn their self-worth by taking care of their responsibilities … not throwing a fit until an authority finally gives in.

April 18, 2019 at 6:22 am

This is good

April 25, 2019 at 3:11 am

Thank you for sharing this article, you are very interesting to write, your blog is really interesting to read!

June 24, 2019 at 6:44 pm

This is really good and helpful. Thanks for sharing this article. 🙏

August 10, 2019 at 1:57 am

I think that the real reasons why the child does not do their homework can be very many of them all of their parents will never know. The main thing is to be able to find a common language in your child!

October 16, 2019 at 6:37 am

I have to agree with you and your daughter about the book reports — we did our first one a few weeks back, and it was decidedly much more unpleasant compared to just reading and enjoying the book!

October 20, 2019 at 1:04 pm

Children do not do their homework because they watch a lot of TV shows and play on the phone.

October 23, 2019 at 3:35 am

All parents want their children to be successful, successful and happy. Schooling is one of the important components of a child’s life. The school will be the main part of its reality for 8-10 years. Therefore, the baby needs to help adapt, feel comfortable and learn how to succeed

February 22, 2020 at 1:00 pm

nice tips, I hope it will help

February 22, 2020 at 11:50 pm

April 8, 2020 at 3:15 am

Anaerobic exercise, on the other hand, is where that max effort comes into play. It’s another form of cardio in which you should only be able to sustain activity for about 30 seconds before you need a break. It should feel pretty difficult for you to catch your breath while you’re doing this type of training (anaerobic meaning “the absence of oxygen”). Explosive exercises like plyometrics, sprinting, and even heavy weightlifting are all examples of anaerobic exercise. “The body uses phosphocreatine and carbohydrates as fuel [for anaerobic exercise] because they can be broken down rapidly,” Olson explains. “Fats take too long to break down as an energy source.”

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November 7, 2020 at 12:07 pm

https://twitter.com/AllCracks/status/1325104200490029059

January 29, 2021 at 6:04 am

wow, cool good meterial

February 25, 2021 at 6:06 am

Thank you for the article. This is a really powerful method. I don’t know what I would do without him. Homework and children are created in different universes, I think. Thank you for the blog, I will follow you.

December 27, 2023 at 6:12 am

Thank you for sharing this heartfelt journey. It resonates with many parents striving to find the right balance between academic expectations and their child’s happiness. How do you navigate the delicate task of encouraging achievement without overwhelming your child? #ParentingInsights

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How to Make Up a Good Excuse for Your Homework Not Being Finished

Last Updated: September 23, 2024 Fact Checked

Choosing an Excuse

Delivering the excuse, potential consequences, moving forward, expert q&a.

This article was co-authored by wikiHow Staff . Our trained team of editors and researchers validate articles for accuracy and comprehensiveness. wikiHow's Content Management Team carefully monitors the work from our editorial staff to ensure that each article is backed by trusted research and meets our high quality standards. This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources. This article has been viewed 379,676 times. Learn more...

If you did not finish your homework, you may want to find an excuse to avoid being penalized. There are a variety of excuses, from blaming technology to your busy schedule, that sounds like a plausible reason for failing to complete an assignment. When you settle on an excuse, work on delivering the excuse in a believable fashion. However, try to be careful moving forward. You do not want to lie habitually, as this reflects poorly on you as a student. In the future, try to make sure your assignments are done on time.

• This is a great excuse if you had a paper you needed to type and print. It may also work if you have homework you had to do online. You could say you did the whole assignment, but then your internet cut out and you couldn't save anything.
• It might be a bad idea to claim your printer stopped working. Your teacher may request you e-mail him/her the assignment instead, which you won't be able to do if you never did it. Teachers may also suggest you should have printed an assignment at a local library or FedEx instead of coming in with nothing.

• If your parents are divorced, for example, you can claim you were at your mom's last night but left your textbook with your dad this weekend. Many teachers are sympathetic to children from divorced homes. Your teacher may take pity on you if you use an excuse like this. [2] X Research source
• Do you have any younger siblings? You could claim you had to babysit your little sister and she got sick, resulting in your being distracted from your homework. [3] X Research source

• You can try running around in the playground or hallways before class. This can help you look flushed and warm. If you look sick, your teacher will be more likely to believe you.
• However, keep in mind some teachers may require a note from your parents in the event of illness. If your teacher typically demands proof of sickness, you may want to avoid using this excuse.

• Avoid saying you left your homework at home. Your teacher may request you call your mom or dad to have it delivered to the school. This will reveal you are lying.
• Try not to use this excuse more than once or twice a term; otherwise, your teacher may see you as disorganized and be less sympathetic towards you if you need to make other excuses in the future.

• Be careful using this excuse if you're not busy. If you're usually late for classes and do not engage in many extracurricular activities, your teacher may catch onto the fact you're lying.

• Never lie you were absent on the day the homework was set. One glance of the register is all it takes for your teacher to see right through this excuse.

• If your teacher is particularly strict, be prepared to answer a lot of questions. A stricter teacher is likely to grill you, poking holes in your excuse. For example, say you claim you couldn't turn in your online math homework because your internet cut out. A strict teacher might respond with something like, "Then why didn't you go do your homework at a coffee shop?" Have a response ready. Try something like, "My mom was working and there was no one to drive me." [7] X Research source
• Do you know anything about your teacher's personal interests? This can help you gauge what excuse may work for this person. For example, you know your chemistry teacher is the oldest of 7 children. He may be more sympathetic to a story about how watching your younger siblings kept you from getting your work done. [8] X Research source

• Stick to only the important details. For example, say you're planning on claiming your piano recital got out late, and this is why you didn't finish your math homework. Do not go overboard with the details. Simply say, "A few students played their solos too long, so we didn't get done until 9:30 and it was a 45-minute drive home." Do not say, "Chester Mifflin spent 25 minutes on his routine when we were only given 10, and then Lisa Gregory was a little late getting up on stage..." The longer your lie, the more unbelievable it sounds. Most people would not remember this much detail.
• If your teacher presses you for specifics, you can improvise as needed but avoid excessive detail. For example, your teacher might ask, "How long did the recital run over?" Do not say, "It was supposed to run until 8:30 but it was 9:23 when we got out." Instead, say something somewhat vague, like, "I'd say about 45 minutes."

• Take a few deep breaths before going into the room to help yourself stay calm.
• Make eye contact with your teacher most of the time.
• Be conscious of what you're doing with your body. Try to avoid fidgeting excessively.

• Refer to the syllabus for that class. There may be a section about honesty that goes over the consequences of lying to a teacher.
• You should also look at your school's handbook if you have a copy. See if there are any sections about what happens if you breach academic honesty policies.
• Consequences can vary from teacher-to-teacher. In some cases, you may only get a strict talking to. However, some teachers may be required to report these kinds of behaviors to the principal and your parents. This could land you in more serious trouble both at home and at school.

• It may depend on the assignment. Late work may not be accepted, but if the assignment is only worth 10 points, is this really a big deal? However, if the assignment is worth 15% of your grade, it may be worth it to ask for an extension.
• Talk to other students who've had this teacher in the past. How has this teacher reacted to late or missing work? Some teachers may accept late work for lower points. Some teachers may allow you to turn in work late if it's your first time. If this is the case, it may be a good idea to simply admit you didn't do the assignment.

• You can make a pro and con list for each scenario. Write down the possible benefits and possible drawbacks of each option. For example, you can write on the top of a piece of paper "Lying To My Teacher" and then have two columns, one for "pro" and one for "con." Under "pro," you may write something like, "Assignment is worth a lot of points - an extension could help my overall grade." Under "con," you could write, "If Ms. Davies finds out I'm lying, she will report it to the principal and I'll get detention for a week."
• Weigh the pros and cons. If the pros outweigh the cons heavily for one option, this may be the right choice for you.

• Do your homework every day after school. Do not do anything else, like playing video games or playing outside, before finishing your work.
• Write down all the assignments you have to do. Make sure to write down an assignment after a teacher mentions it. This way, you won't forget.

• If you habitually struggle to get your homework done and have an overall inability to concentrate, this can be a symptom of Attention Deficit Disorder. Talk to your parents about getting tested for ADD.

You Might Also Like

• ↑ https://helpfulprofessor.com/homework-excuses/
• ↑ https://www.brighthubeducation.com/study-and-learning-tips/51072-10-best-homework-excuses/
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/extreme-fear/201005/top-ten-secrets-effective-liars

About This Article

While lying too often could reflect badly on you as a student, if you need a good excuse for your homework not being finished, say you lost it. Just don’t use this excuse often, since your teacher will think you’re unorganized. If the homework was on the computer, try blaming technology. Say your computer crashed or your internet was down. Alternatively, claim you were ill last night and had to rest. Only do this if you don’t think your teacher will call your parents to check or ask for a sick note. If you have a sibling that doesn’t go to your school, you can say they were ill and you had to look after them. Or, if you do a lot of things outside of school and have lots of homework to do, pretend you were too busy and ran out of time. For more tips, including how to make your excuse more convincing, read on! Did this summary help you? Yes No

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