thesis statement about unrequited love

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What ‘the little mermaid’ really teaches about unrequited love.

• July 18, 2019

Ah, unrequited love! It’s the bane of any young daydreamer.

The Little Mermaid is a great story that teaches how to deal with such sorrowful heartbreak: accept reality and abandon selfish schemes.

Perhaps you’re thinking: “Wait. That’s not what happens in the Disney movie!”

In remembering The Little Mermaid from our childhood and anticipating Disney’s release of a new version, perhaps it’s time to revisit the original Hans Christian Andersen story.

Response to Unrequited Love

Unlike Disney’s Ariel, who gleefully collects a treasure-trove of human artifacts with her fish-friend Flounder, Andersen’s Little Mermaid cares for only one artifact: a statue of a handsome young prince. On her first adventure to the surface of the ocean, she sees him as a young man on a boat in a terrible storm.

After the Little Mermaid saves the prince from drowning, she shyly disappears from his sight before he awakens on the beach. Unbeknownst to the mermaid, he falls in love with the young maiden who finds him there.

Thus begins her adventure with unrequited love.

Smitten with the prince, the Little Mermaid visits the sorceress. She agrees to help the mermaid turn into a human who could meet and marry the prince. There’s one condition: if he marries another, then the mermaid will die that night.

Even after she is successful in befriending the prince, he still marries the maiden.

The Little Mermaid’s five sisters appear the night of the prince’s wedding. With their lovely locks cut and sold to the sorceress, they present the Little Mermaid with a magic knife to kill the prince and release herself from the consequences of her own unfortunate bargain.

She enters the wedding tent with knife in hand. But she cannot bring herself to kill him because she recognizes their mutual love.

Instead she accepts her fate to die. She tosses the knife back into the ocean and returns to the water expecting to turn to sea foam.

She unexpectedly finds herself among the children of the air. Her good deed of sparing the prince granted her the gift of an immortal soul – which mermaids typically do not have. For the first 300 years as an immortal spirit, she will accompany the children of the air in bringing pleasant weather and doing other good things for human beings on earth.

In Disney’s version, Ursula uses her magic to appear as a beautiful human princess and entrap Prince Eric in a love curse. Eventually Ursula’s disguise is revealed. She escapes, kidnapping Ariel with her. Eric plays an important role in the demise of Ursula. Then, the marriage between himself and Ariel begins a perfect happily ever after ending.

Disney’s Little Mermaid story revolves around Ariel’s possessive desire for Prince Eric and how others must conform to her will. In the Disney version, unrequited love is an impediment to individual happiness.

The Sorceress: Consuming Self-Love

We don’t necessarily need to look at the Disney version to see this contrast. Andersen’s story provides it through the character of the sorceress and the description of her cave lair.

The sorceress decorates her home with the skeletal remains of drowned human beings. She surrounds herself with relics of destruction – and her business profits by enticing others to harm themselves.

The sorceress takes the Little Mermaid’s voice by cutting off her tongue and giving her a draught to drink when she arrives on land. And the mermaid’s new feet will bleed as she walks. Embedded in this deal is a perverted sense of self-sacrifice. The Little Mermaid is willing to sacrifice herself in almost any way, as long as her own will is accomplished. She is not actually sacrificing herself for the prince, but she is sacrificing to her narcissistic will.

But at the fateful night of the prince’s wedding to the young maiden, the mermaid forfeits her utilitarian love.

This is real character development.

She now stands in striking contrast to her antagonist, the sorceress, who revels in her destruction of others – just like the Little Mermaid herself when she was tempted to destroy the prince.

Andersen makes the crux of his tale rest upon sacrificial love: thwarting one’s own will for the good of others.

The Little Mermaid’s temptation to take revenge on the prince momentarily turns her from the beautiful and innocent creature to resemble the ugly sorceress. But her choice of self-sacrifice transforms her into an immortal soul dedicated to doing good.

Image Credit: Flickr: Christian Benseler  CC BY 2.0

Madeleine Ahlbrecht

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Unrequited Love College Essays Samples For Students

3 samples of this type

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This is when you will certainly find WowEssays' free samples collection extremely helpful as it includes numerous expertly written works on most various Unrequited Love College Essays topics. Ideally, you should be able to find a piece that meets your criteria and use it as a template to build your own College Essay. Alternatively, our qualified essay writers can deliver you an original Unrequited Love College Essay model written from scratch according to your personal instructions.

Unattainable Love Essay Example

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Unattainable love is something that all of us have experienced at some point in our life. It is both a painful and learning experience, and a subject that has inspired numerous artists both in literature and in the visual arts. It has also urged many to become better persons, although there are also others who choose to just give up in despair.

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10 of the Best Poems about Unrequited Love

By Dr Oliver Tearle (Loughborough University)

‘Love’ and ‘poetry’ go together to form a natural pair, but as Shakespeare pointed out, the course of true love never did run smooth. Sometimes the greatest lovers are those who pine away, hopelessly devoted to someone who will never return their affections.

From the medieval courtly love tradition onwards, poets have been treating the subject of unrequited love. Here are ten of the best poems about love that is not reciprocated…

1. Sir Philip Sidney, ‘ With how sad steps, O moon, thou climb’st the skies ’.

With how sad steps, O moon, thou climb’st the skies; How silently, and with how wan a face. What, may it be that even in heavenly place That busy archer his sharp arrows tries? Sure, if that long-with-love-acquainted eyes Can judge of love, thou feel’st a lover’s case; I read it in thy looks; thy languished grace To me, that feel the like, thy state descries …

This poem, Sonnet 31 from Sidney’s sonnet sequence Astrophil and Stella , is a great Elizabethan poem about hopeless love (Stella, the object of Astrophil’s affections, is married to another man), although the sonnet appears to teeter on the edge of self-parody.

2. William Shakespeare, Sonnet 87 .

Farewell! thou art too dear for my possessing, And like enough thou know’st thy estimate, The charter of thy worth gives thee releasing; My bonds in thee are all determinate. For how do I hold thee but by thy granting? And for that riches where is my deserving? The cause of this fair gift in me is wanting, And so my patent back again is swerving …

This is probably Shakespeare’s greatest poem about unrequited love – and we think it qualifies as an ‘unrequited love poem’ because, although the poet and the Fair Youth appear to have been in a relationship of sorts, with the younger man reciprocating the Bard’s affections, it’s clear Shakespeare feels that the Fair Youth is out of his league and doesn’t really love the poet the way he loves him.

3. John Clare, ‘ The Secret ’.

I loved thee, though I told thee not, Right earlily and long, Thou wert my joy in every spot, My theme in every song …

This poem by an often-overlooked voice in Romantic poetry, John Clare (1793-1864), strikes to the heart of what many of us have felt at some time in our lives: having kept his love of somebody a secret, the poet is doomed to transfer or deflect that love onto other people who remind him of his first, true love.

Not so much a lost love as a love never had, this one – but poignant and affecting nevertheless.

4. John Keats, ‘ You Say You Love ’.

You say you love; but with a voice Chaster than a nun’s, who singeth The soft Vespers to herself While the chime-bell ringeth – O love me truly!

This isn’t one of Keats’s best-known poems, but it’s his finest statement of unrequited love (something Keats knew all about, thanks to his unreciprocated feelings for Fanny Brawne).

Although the addressee of this poem tells the poet she loves him, he doubts the sincerity of her words. The refrain, ‘O love me truly!’, becomes more and more despairing – and desperate – as the poem develops.

5. Alfred, Lord Tennyson, ‘ Mariana ’.

With blackest moss the flower-plots Were thickly crusted, one and all: The rusted nails fell from the knots That held the pear to the gable-wall. The broken sheds look’d sad and strange: Unlifted was the clinking latch; Weeded and worn the ancient thatch Upon the lonely moated grange …

This early poem, published in 1830, ‘arose to the music of Shakespeare’s words’ (according to Tennyson) – the words in question being taken from Measure for Measure , in which ‘the dejected Mariana’ dwells ‘at the moated grange’, having been forsaken by Angelo, who promised to marry her but then broke his promise.

The imagery of the poem is vivid and memorable, from the ‘mouse’ that ‘behind the mouldering wainscot shriek’d’ or the ‘blue fly’ that ‘sung in the pane’.

It is perhaps Tennyson’s first great success as a poet, written when he was only just into his twenties. The recurring refrain, ‘He cometh not’, and ‘He will not come’, highlights Mariana’s status as a victim of unrequited love.

6. A. E. Housman, ‘ Because I Liked You Better ’.

Because I liked you better Than suits a man to say, It irked you, and I promised To throw the thought away.

To put the world between us We parted, stiff and dry; ‘Good-bye,’ said you, ‘forget me.’ ‘I will, no fear’, said I …

Housman didn’t publish this poem in his lifetime, perhaps because the second line, ‘Than suits a man to say’, hinted at Housman’s homosexuality.

However, we think it’s one of the greatest poems about unrequited love ever written, and about promising to abide by the loved one’s wish that the lover put them out of mind. Part of its power comes, perhaps, from the fact that we know the speaker never did forget the one they so hopelessly loved: Housman certainly didn’t until his dying day in 1936.

7. W. B. Yeats, ‘ Never Give All the Heart ’.

Never give all the heart, for love Will hardly seem worth thinking of To passionate women if it seem Certain, and they never dream That it fades out from kiss to kiss …

So begins this Yeats poem. As the title of the poem makes clear, Yeats offers the would-be lover some advice: don’t dive headlong into love or infatuation, for your beloved won’t thank you for it. It’s best to keep a little passion back: ‘He that made this knows all the cost, / For he gave all his heart and lost.’

8. W. H. Auden, ‘ The More Loving One ’.

Here’s an unusual take on the poem of unrequited love: perhaps it might be better to be the one whose love is unrequited, than to be the recipient of such love. ‘If equal affection cannot be,’ Auden writes here, ‘Let the more loving one be me.’

9. Stevie Smith, ‘ Pad, Pad ’.

One of our favourite poems by one of the twentieth century’s most eccentric poets. ‘Pad, Pad’ is spoken by someone whose lover sat down and told her he didn’t love her any more.

The animal suggestion of ‘padding’ rather than walking, as well as the ‘tigerish crouch’ of the departed lover, are trademark Stevie Smith touches, and make this classic poem about unrequited love all the more affecting.

10. Carol Ann Duffy, ‘ Warming Her Pearls ’.

This poem by the UK’s current Poet Laureate is narrated by a servant who, we learn as the poem progresses, harbours a secret love for her mistress. Almost unbearably sensual in its depiction of a woman who wears her mistress’s pearls but longs to be closer to her than they can ever be, this is one of Carol Ann Duffy’s finest poems.

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3 thoughts on “10 of the Best Poems about Unrequited Love”

Reblogged this on Manolis .

“Because I Liked You Better”

Oh, how the dead heart-fire stirs and spontaneously combusts when I read those words even after over 30 years of laying as cold ashes.

I did like him better than suits a man to say. And the day that I said it I could have bitten off my tongue though it was then far too late.

We later parted, not quite stiff and dry, but with a hug which he tried to keep formal, though I hungrily hugged him and hugged him because I knew it was the very last time ever …

His actual words *were* exactly the same, “Good-bye, forget me.”

I said nothing in reply, though I think I did nod in agreement.

And not a tear fell until he closed the hospital ward door behind him.

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• How to Write a Thesis Statement | 4 Steps & Examples

How to Write a Thesis Statement | 4 Steps & Examples

Published on January 11, 2019 by Shona McCombes . Revised on August 15, 2023 by Eoghan Ryan.

A thesis statement is a sentence that sums up the central point of your paper or essay . It usually comes near the end of your introduction .

Your thesis will look a bit different depending on the type of essay you’re writing. But the thesis statement should always clearly state the main idea you want to get across. Everything else in your essay should relate back to this idea.

You can write your thesis statement by following four simple steps:

• Start with a question
• Write your initial answer
• Develop your answer
• Refine your thesis statement

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Table of contents

What is a thesis statement, placement of the thesis statement, step 1: start with a question, step 2: write your initial answer, step 3: develop your answer, step 4: refine your thesis statement, types of thesis statements, other interesting articles, frequently asked questions about thesis statements.

A thesis statement summarizes the central points of your essay. It is a signpost telling the reader what the essay will argue and why.

The best thesis statements are:

• Concise: A good thesis statement is short and sweet—don’t use more words than necessary. State your point clearly and directly in one or two sentences.
• Contentious: Your thesis shouldn’t be a simple statement of fact that everyone already knows. A good thesis statement is a claim that requires further evidence or analysis to back it up.
• Coherent: Everything mentioned in your thesis statement must be supported and explained in the rest of your paper.

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The thesis statement generally appears at the end of your essay introduction or research paper introduction .

The spread of the internet has had a world-changing effect, not least on the world of education. The use of the internet in academic contexts and among young people more generally is hotly debated. For many who did not grow up with this technology, its effects seem alarming and potentially harmful. This concern, while understandable, is misguided. The negatives of internet use are outweighed by its many benefits for education: the internet facilitates easier access to information, exposure to different perspectives, and a flexible learning environment for both students and teachers.

You should come up with an initial thesis, sometimes called a working thesis , early in the writing process . As soon as you’ve decided on your essay topic , you need to work out what you want to say about it—a clear thesis will give your essay direction and structure.

You might already have a question in your assignment, but if not, try to come up with your own. What would you like to find out or decide about your topic?

For example, you might ask:

After some initial research, you can formulate a tentative answer to this question. At this stage it can be simple, and it should guide the research process and writing process .

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Now you need to consider why this is your answer and how you will convince your reader to agree with you. As you read more about your topic and begin writing, your answer should get more detailed.

In your essay about the internet and education, the thesis states your position and sketches out the key arguments you’ll use to support it.

The negatives of internet use are outweighed by its many benefits for education because it facilitates easier access to information.

In your essay about braille, the thesis statement summarizes the key historical development that you’ll explain.

The invention of braille in the 19th century transformed the lives of blind people, allowing them to participate more actively in public life.

A strong thesis statement should tell the reader:

• Why you hold this position
• What they’ll learn from your essay
• The key points of your argument or narrative

The final thesis statement doesn’t just state your position, but summarizes your overall argument or the entire topic you’re going to explain. To strengthen a weak thesis statement, it can help to consider the broader context of your topic.

These examples are more specific and show that you’ll explore your topic in depth.

Your thesis statement should match the goals of your essay, which vary depending on the type of essay you’re writing:

• In an argumentative essay , your thesis statement should take a strong position. Your aim in the essay is to convince your reader of this thesis based on evidence and logical reasoning.
• In an expository essay , you’ll aim to explain the facts of a topic or process. Your thesis statement doesn’t have to include a strong opinion in this case, but it should clearly state the central point you want to make, and mention the key elements you’ll explain.

If you want to know more about AI tools , college essays , or fallacies make sure to check out some of our other articles with explanations and examples or go directly to our tools!

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A thesis statement is a sentence that sums up the central point of your paper or essay . Everything else you write should relate to this key idea.

The thesis statement is essential in any academic essay or research paper for two main reasons:

• It gives your writing direction and focus.
• It gives the reader a concise summary of your main point.

Without a clear thesis statement, an essay can end up rambling and unfocused, leaving your reader unsure of exactly what you want to say.

Follow these four steps to come up with a thesis statement :

• Ask a question about your topic .
• Write your initial answer.
• Develop your answer by including reasons.
• Refine your answer, adding more detail and nuance.

The thesis statement should be placed at the end of your essay introduction .

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Unrequited love, self-victimisation and the target of appropriate resentment

2021, Journal of Ethics

In "Tragedy and Resentment" Ulrika Carlsson claims that there are cases when we are justified to feel non-moral resentment against someone who harms us without wronging us, when the harm either consists in their attitude towards us or in the emotional suffering triggered by their attitudes. Since they had no duty to protect us from harm, the objectionable attitude is not disrespect but a failure to show love, admiration or appreciation for us. I explain why unrequited love is the wrong example to use when arguing for the possibility of justified non-moral resentment-and why, therefore, Carlsson's claim remains unsubstantiated. Pace Carlsson, people who fail to return our love are not best described as harming us, but as merely failing to benefit us by saving us from harm. Moreover, their role in the causal chain that results in our coming to harm is insufficient to warrant our resentment; more plausibly, we ourselves play a greater and more direct causal role in this process. This is a welcome result: Responding with (non-moral) resentment to someone's failure to return our love indicates that our love has not taken the form of a genuine gift. When we put conditions on successful gifting by allowing for justified resentment if the gift is not returned we are not in fact giving gifts but making a bid for an exchange: I love you so that you love me back.

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Why should we love the people we do and why does love motivate us to act as it does? In this paper, I explore the idea that these questions can be answered by appealing to the idea that love has to do with close personal relationships (the ‘relationship claim’). Niko Kolodny (2003) has already developed a relationship theory of love: according to Kolodny, love centres on the belief that the subject shares a valuable personal relationship with the beloved. However, this account has some implausible consequences. I shall develop an alternative account, discarding the assumption that love centres on a belief, and beginning instead from a conception of love as an emotional attitude – which, I suggest, involves a form of evaluation that is not belief. As I explain, adopting this view allows us to interpret the relationship claim, not as a claim about the subject’s beliefs, but as a claim about the function of love. This approach allows us to answer the questions above, while avoiding the difficulties that confront Kolodny’s account. I end by exploring a case that might be thought to raise some difficulties for my account.

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The article critically discusses Pettit’s account of love as an intimate attachment. I will not question his notion that love implies care; my aim is to show how, under certain social structural conditions, the demands of love bring about and/or reproduce oppression. First, I recap and discuss Pettit’s conception of love. Second, I show how the traditional gender order generates asymmetries in the provision of care, thus setting the ground for situations in which the demands of care become oppressive. Third, I critically discuss the ways in which a person can resist the oppression implied in the demands of care. In a fourth step, I consider Pettit’s critique of problematic forms of love. Finally, I conclude by drawing upon the categories of freedom and domination as key concepts for developing a more critical account of love.

Journal of Ethics and Social Philosophy

Natasha Mckeever

Harry Frankfurt has a comprehensive and, at times, compelling, account of love, which are outlined in several of his works. However, he does not think that romantic love fits the ideal of love as it ‘includes a number of vividly distracting elements, which do not belong to the essential nature of love as a mode of disinterested concern’ (Frankfurt, 2004, p. 43). In this paper, I argue that we can, nonetheless, learn some important things about romantic love from his account. Furthermore, I will suggest, conversely, that there is distinct value in romantic love, which derives from the nature of the relationship on which it is based. Frankfurt tries to take agape and reformulate it so that it can also account for love of particular people. Whilst he succeeds, to some extent, in describing parental love, he fails to accurately describe romantic love and friendship, and, moreover, overlooks what is distinctly valuable about them. Although it was not his intention to describe romantic love, by failing to include features such as reciprocity in his account of love, Frankfurt leaves no room for a kind of love that is important and valuable to many people

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Humorous Coping With Unrequited Love: Is Perspective Change Important?

Associated data.

The raw data supporting the conclusions of this article will be made available by the authors, without undue reservation.

A large number of studies suggest that humor is associated with mental well-being and effective as a means of coping. However, it is less well-understood which mechanisms are effective for this particular function of humor. The present study examines whether processes of change of perspective, which are often regarded as constitutive for humor, could be an effective coping-factor when facing unrequited love as a specific psychological burden. In a questionnaire study, N = 148 persons aged 18–65 years ( w = 96) with actual or past experiences of unrequited love reported on their subjective burden due to this experience, their self-esteem and satisfaction with life, two scales for humor (Multidimensional Sense of Humor Scale: MSHS, and a self-constructed scale: Humorous Change of Perspective, HCOP) and a coping scale which measure change of perspective in the confrontation with goal blockages (Flexible Goal Adjustment, FGA). Results indicated that the burden of unrequited love [operationalized objectively as actuality of experience (dichotomous) or subjectively as burden experienced] and both indicators of well-being were negatively associated. Multiple regression analyses showed that humor was a significant moderator of this relationship in nearly all combinations of operationalizations of humor and indicators of well-being: Higher levels of humor are associated with better well-being even when the perceived burden was high. In addition, the study examined whether the coping effect of humor can be partly or mainly attributed to the individual's capacity to perspective change as captured by FGA. When including this scale as a covariate in the regression models, the moderation effect for MSHS did not persist; however, for HCOP the moderation effect remained unchanged: the moderator effect of humorous change of perspective proved to be independent of FGA. Taken together the results suggest that perspective-changing skills play a significant role in the coping effect of humor in dealing with psychological burdens. However, depending on which humor facet is measured, the entailed perspective change may or may not appear to go beyond what the individual's FGA can account for. This suggests that the coping effect caused by humorous change of perspective includes aspects that are also discussed for other coping resources as well as its own, humor-specific aspects. Potential avenues for future studies are discussed both with respect to the necessity for replication and extension of the present study and to the determination of other potential alleviativing effects of other facets of humor.

Introduction

Humor as a resource.

The assumption that humor is not only enjoyable for all who experience it, but is also a useful resource for those who have it, is as old as human laughter (Ruch, 2008 ; Hurley et al., 2011 ; Martin and Ford, 2018 ). The finding that humor can be helpful when coping with stress, burdens, threats, and other challenges is more recent but widely documented. One does not have to agree with the traditional psychoanalytic assumption that humor is the most mature and most elegant defense mechanism (Vaillant, 1993 ) to recognize the functionality of humor in burdensome situations. A large body of research indicates a positive relationship between humor and psychological well-being (Martin and Lefcourt, 1983 ; Lefcourt and Martin, 1986 ; Nezu et al., 1988 ; Kuiper et al., 1993 ; Thorson et al., 1997 ; Cann et al., 1999 ; Ruch et al., 2010 ; Svebak, 2010 ; Cann and Collette, 2014 ; Samson et al., 2014 ; Fritz et al., 2017 ; for an overview, e.g., Ruch, 2008 ; Kuiper, 2012 ; Martin and Ford, 2018 ). Accordingly, a strong sense of humor is associated with, for example, a more positive self-concept and self-esteem as well as higher life satisfaction (Kuiper et al., 2004 ; Ruch et al., 2010 , 2018b ; Ozyesil, 2012 ). There is even evidence that humor supports physical health (Svebak et al., 2006 ; Martin, 2008 ). Accordingly, Kuiper ( 2012 ) considers humor as a facet of individual resilience.

What is less clear, however, is how humorous coping with burdens can be explained. While the precise study of the processes at work here requires experimental designs, a helpful intermediate step may be to identify components of humor that make a difference in coping with burdens or threats. This requires a sufficiently sophisticated theory about the components of humor (possibly components of different varieties of humor); however, such a consensual theory of humor remains to be defined (Hurley et al., 2011 ; Martin and Ford, 2018 ), even though the debate about it predates psychology. Accordingly, the findings on the alleviative effect of humor are generally convergent, but in detail more heterogeneous than is desirable for a theoretical clarification of the factors that are effective here.

Several difficulties contribute to this. First, humor is regarded as a complex, multidimensional construct that includes emotional, cognitive, behavioral, and social components (e.g., Svebak, 1996 ; Thorson et al., 1997 ; Ruch, 2008 ; Martin and Ford, 2018 ). Accordingly, there are a variety of forms or styles, uses or intentions, and functions or effects of humor are distinguished, each differentially related to a broad variety of concepts, including personality traits, emotions, or social effects (Martin and Ford, 2018 ; Ruch et al., 2018a ; Heintz and Ruch, 2019 ; for an overview, e.g., Ruch, 2008 ). An example of this is the distinction between “benevolent” and “malevolent” forms, or uses of humor (e.g., Ruch and Heintz, 2016 ). Positively connoted uses (forms) of humor that also dominate everyday understandings of humor as a positive skill (Craik et al., 1996 ; Perchtold et al., 2019 ) are typically associated with the aforementioned alleviative effects of humor are the. This conceptual heterogeneity is further reinforced by a variety of assessment methods that vary not only in their specific operationalization, but also with respect to the facets or functions of humor addressed (for instance, Ruch et al., 1996 , 2018a ; Martin et al., 2003 ; Kuiper et al., 2004 ; Heintz et al., 2018 ; for an overview, Martin and Ford, 2018 ).

In contrast, the question of which processes produce the alleviative effect of humor is less frequently studied. Martin ( 2007 , 2008 ) identifies three main mechanisms underlying the positive influence of humor on well-being: physiological effects caused by the activity of laughter, the experience of positive emotions such as joy or exhilaration, and cognitive aspects such as the change in perspective (see also Martin and Ford, 2018 ). A number of papers have argued that in the context of coping with burdensome experiences, in particular cognitive aspects of humor are particularly important (e.g., Svebak et al., 2006 ; Svebak, 2010 ). According to this line of reasoning, humor leads to the shift of cognitive attention in favor of positive cognitions and associated positive emotions (Kuiper et al., 1993 ; Martin, 2007 ; Szabo, 2007 ; Strick et al., 2009 ; for an overview Ruch, 2008 ; Martin and Ford, 2018 ). Individuals with a more highly developed sense of humor rated their problems as less stressful and experienced fewer negative emotions (e.g., anxiety) than did individuals with lowly developed sense of humor scores, indicating that humor facilitates a different (i.e., relieving) perspective on problems. This assumption agrees with the suggestion that the ability and willingness for a positive appraisal of the initially threatening or stressful situation (Lazarus and Folkman, 1984 ) is significant for the coping effect of humor. Several studies have provided evidence that positive (re-)appraisal occurs more frequently in individuals with a more pronounced sense of humor and that it is functional for coping with burdens (Kuiper et al., 1995 ; Abel, 2002 ; Samson et al., 2014 ; Perchtold et al., 2019 ). For positive (re)appraisal, in turn, the cognitive ability to change perspective (e.g., reframing) is a necessary condition (Samson et al., 2014 ). Although not all humor theories agree that perspective change is a criterion (i.e., a necessary condition) for humor, a likely consensus is that it is a prototypical aspect of humor, perhaps just not just of all forms of humor (Martin, 2008 ; Hurley et al., 2011 ; Carroll, 2014 ; Martin and Ford, 2018 ).

At the same time, there is a large body of work showing that perspective change or reframing are particularly helpful for dealing with burdensome or threatening constellations when the underlying problem is a goal conflict or goal blockade that cannot be actively resolved (Brandtstädter and Rothermund, 2002 ; Brandtstädter, 2006 ; Heckhausen et al., 2010 ; Wrosch and Scheier, 2020 ). If it should be a valid consideration that the alleviative effect of humor is based, at least in part, on the fact that humor is associated with the individual capability for perspective change, then it should be possible to show that the alleviative effect of humor wanes in relation to a burdensome goal blockade if this aspect is out-partialized by a non-humor coping resource focusing on this aspect. Testing this consideration is the subject of the present study.

Flexibility of Goal Adjustment as a Perspective-Changing Coping Resource

The two-process model of developmental regulation (Brandtstädter and Rothermund, 2002 ; Brandtstädter, 2006 ) distinguishes two modes of regulation by which the individual can reduce or eliminate problems (defined as discrepancy between an experienced actual state and a desired target state). In the assimilative response mode, the individual attempts to resolve a problematic situation through active, deliberate, and controlled problem solving. In doing so, personal goals and intentions are maintained and persistently pursued. In contrast, in the accommodative regulation mode, the reduction of the actual-target discrepancy occurs through “flexible goal adjustment” (Brandtstädter and Renner, 1990 ) to the given situation and the available options for action. Examples of this regulatory mode are devaluing the significance of the previous goal and upgrading alternative goals, changing one's own level of aspiration, or reinterpreting the problem situation on the basis of relieving cognitions. In short, an accommodative reaction requires a change of one's own perspective of the problem. It is required at the latest when assimilative efforts fail, problems cannot be overcome by active problem solving, or this would involve too much difficulty or cost. A large body of work has shown that the individual capability and tendency for accommodative regulation helps to reduce strain across different kinds of threats and burdens and across different age groups (e.g., Thomsen et al., 2015 ; Greve et al., 2017 ; Rühs et al., 2017 ; for review, Brandtstädter and Rothermund, 2002 ). Although this has not been a central focus of research, some results suggest that humor might be associated with accommodative coping. Thomsen ( 2016 ) reports a positive relationship between individual readiness to accommodate and coping humor (Martin and Lefcourt, 1983 ) in adolescents; the finding that this relationship becomes narrower with increasing age indicates that it is precisely the cognitively demanding aspects of humor that carry this relationship at least in part. Leist and Müller ( 2013 ) found an association between the self-enhancing and social humor style and flexible goal adaptation processes.

Unrequited Love as a Goal-Blocking Burden

As social beings, humans possess a fundamental need to belong (Baumeister and Leary, 1995 ), in particular, the fulfillment of partnership happiness and positive partnership quality are considered central factors and predictors of psychological stability, life satisfaction, and well-being (Felser, 2007 ). How painful it is when this desire and need is not satisfied or is even actively denied by other people is something most people experience first-hand at some time in their lives. Unrequited love is an example of social rejection, which can arise in very different situations (e.g., crush on someone who is unavailable, break-up of existing relationship; see also Baumeister and Wotman, 1992 ; Baumeister et al., 1993 , and Bringle et al., 2013 for a more in-depth description of such situations). Psychological research in recent years has shown that the experience of social rejection is generally associated with diverse negative consequences for the affected person in terms of psychological well-being (e.g., negative affect and reduced self-esteem; for meta-analyses/reviews see e.g., Blackhart et al., 2009 , Gerber and Wheeler, 2009 , and Leary, 2015 ; for an overview of the state of research on interpersonal exclusion and rejection Williams and Nida, 2017 ). Moreover, neuroimaging studies show that social rejection not only “hurts” in a figurative sense: The emotional pain associated with rejection parallels physical pain not only in the psychological burden it causes, but they also overlap in their somatosensory representation in the brain (Kross et al., 2011 , but also see Eisenberger, 2015 , for a summary of controversies regarding these finding). Whilst empirical research on effects of social exclusion from groups is very broad, studies which focus on the experiences of unrequited love are rarer. Nevertheless, the studies that do exist seem to confirm the general finding of negative psychological consequences also for this particular case of social rejection. One question that this field of research addresses in particular concerns the connection between romantic rejection/unrequited love and the rejected person's self-esteem. In a large-scale longitudinal study of adolescents and young adults over 3 years, Luciano and Orth ( 2017 ) found that the onset of a romantic relationship increased one's self-esteem substantially (if the relationship lasted at least a year), whereas a breakup reduced self-esteem for about a year. This fits with the findings of a recent study by Charlot et al. ( 2020 ), which showed that experience of repeated romantic rejection was associated with lower perceived mate value, among other factors. Other studies show that self-esteem not only matters as a potential consequence of romantic rejection experiences, but also has (conceptualized as a trait) a moderating role regarding the relationship of rejection and its consequences (see e.g., Waller and MacDonald, 2010 ; Park et al., 2011 ).

According to the line of argument presented so far, the present study combines three aspects. First, a broad assessment of humor is applied in order to not be bound to a specific humor theory and operationalization and to be able to assess as many different facets of humor as possible with regard to possible coping effects. Second, these effects will be examined in relation to unrequited love as a critical experience which is both plausible as burdensome and prototypical for a blocked goal. Since this burden has thus far only rarely been studied in relation to humor, this part of the present study is a replication of the available results for coping effects of humor. Third, it will be examined whether this (assumed) coping effect of humor in relation to this goal blockage can be shown to rely (at least partly) on change of perspective. This will be addressed by exploring the coping effect of humor whilst a coping resource that is precisely relevant for goal blockages and that is essentially based on a change of perspective is controlled for.

If unrequited love is regarded as a prototypical case of a burden caused by a goal blockage, if a central mechanism of coping with goal blockades, is to shift or change perspectives on the underlying problem (i.e., accommodative coping), and if humorous coping is essentially characterized by leading to or supporting a change of perspective, then the hypotheses are plausible that (1) humor buffers the burdens of an unrequited love, and (2) that this alleviative effect of humor can be attributed to the perspective changing-component of humor. To test these hypotheses, the first step is to replicate the relieving effect of humor (broadly assessed) in relation to unrequited love. As the second step, it has to be tested whether this effect is maintained after adding a specific coping resource that is essentially based on perspective change but not directly humorous (FGA) to the analysis. If the coping effect of humor were to disappear after the introduction of FGA (i.e., partialing out its effect), that is, if humor did not show any additional relief effect beyond this coping resource, this would indicate that this aspect (partially) explains the effect of humor. If, on the other hand, the alleviative effect is preserved, the alleviative effect of humor might not be based entirely on this aspect. In other words: this result would indicate an “incremental validity” (for a similar approach see Ruch and Heintz, 2013 ; Samson et al., 2014 ) of humor as a particular coping ressource beyond perspective change.

Materials and Methods

Study design and participants.

In an observational study, participants filled in a cross-sectional, internet-based survey, which was generated by SoSci Survey (Leiner, 2020 ; Version 3.2.16) and was made available to participants from 6/8/2020 to 8/20/2020 via www.soscisurvey.de . Participants were recruited online via various social networks (e.g., Facebook, Xing) if they met following inclusion criteria: age between 18 and 65 years and (current or past) experience of unrequited love. The design of the study and the questionnaire obtained were approved by the ethical committee of the faculty of educational and social sciences of the University of Hildesheim (Proposal No. 134; letter of approval 4/20/2020). Data collection resulted in N = 148 completed questionnaires. The sample was relatively heterogeneous in terms of participants' age, ranging from 18 to 65 years (18–29 years: n = 72; 30–39 years: n = 52; 40–49 years: n = 10; 50–65 years: n = 14). Asked for their gender, n = 97 (65.5%) participants described themselves as female (34.5% male). The educational level of the participants was very high. Most participants ( n = 139) reported that they graduated from secondary school and passed their “Abitur” (or had an equivalent qualification for university entrance) or even already had other higher education qualifications. Regarding the experience of unrequited love, 44 participants (29.7%) referred in their statements to a current experience and 104 participants (70.3%) to a past experience in their statements.

The online questionnaire consisted of three parts. First, participants were asked for demographic data (such as gender, age, and educational background). They then provided information about various aspects of their experience of unrequited love (such as the time-scale of the experience or the severity of the perceived burden; some other aspects were obtained for more exploratory research but are not reported on in this study). In the third part, current self-esteem and life satisfaction (as indicators of subjective well-being) as well as humor (three different operationalizations 1 ) and accommodative flexibility (as dispositional coping resource) were assessed using well-established scales (with one exception; see Humorous Change of Perspective).

Aspects of the Experience of Unrequited Love

Time-scale of experience.

Participants were asked whether they were currently unhappily in love. If they answered yes, they were assigned a value of one for actuality. If they answered no but stated in the next question that they had experienced unrequited love in the past, they were assigned a value of zero.

The Burden of the Experience of Unrequited Love

For nine self-developed statements describing potential burdensome experiences during an episode of unrequited love (sample items: “My thoughts circled constantly around the beloved person.” and “I was often sad and lonely because of my unhappy infatuation.”) the participants indicated how much the statements applied to them (answers on a five-point scale from 1 = “does not apply at all” to 5 = “fully applies”). For the group of participants referring to a past experience, the items were formulated in the past tense, but otherwise the wording was not changed. A mean value was calculated for each participant to create a scale representing the subjective burden caused by their unrequited love experienced. The scale showed a good internal consistency (Cronbach's α = 0.86).

Sense of Humor

The Multidimensional Sense of Humor Scale (MSHS; Thorson and Powell, 1993 ; see also Martin and Ford, 2018 ) originally comprises 24 statements regarding different facets of the sense of humor in four broad dimensions: (1) humor production and social uses (example item: “I use humor to entertain my friends”), (2) humor as a coping strategy (example item: “Humor helps me cope”), (3) attitudes toward humorous people (example item: “people who tell jokes are a pain in the neck”), and (4) attitude toward humor itself (example item: “I like a good joke”). Participants indicate how much each statement applies to them (answers on a five-point scale from 1 = “does not apply at all” to 5 = “fully applies”). For this study, the scale was translated from English into German by one of the authors and back-translated by a native speaker to check for validity. In order to avoid a trivialization of the result (humor as a moderating coping resource), seven items of the original scale that directly address humor as a coping strategy were omitted. Considering the polarity of the items, a mean value of the remaining 17 items was calculated for each participant. The scale showed excellent internal consistencies (Cronbach's α = 0.92). As several studies in the past found different factor structures of the scale in varying samples (most studies showed one stable general factor and up to three other more specialized factors, e.g., José et al., 2007 ; Sousa et al., 2018 ), we performed an exploratory factor analysis. Results (for details see Supplementary Table 1 ) suggested that, in addition to the overall score, two subscales could be formed which correspond to the first dimension mentioned above (humor production and social uses, factor 1, 11 items) and a summary of the third and fourth dimension (attitudes toward humor and humorous people, factor 2, 6 items). The reason for the unidimensional (“overall”) usage of the MSHS in the present study was a theoretical one: The aim was to use an indicator that is as broad and heterogeneous as possible and that has a long tradition was used in order to replicate a coping effect that is as unspecific as possible. The very high internal consistency of the overall scale supports this decision. In addition, the heterogeneity of the “remaining” MSHS makes the replication of the buffer effect of humor more difficult and, hence, has a conservative effect with respect to the replication.

Humorous Change of Perspective

The central idea of the study was to identify the specific change of perspective assumed in humor as a cognitive component relevant for coping by controlling (and thus partialing out) this aspect by a coping scale that substantially (perhaps not only) addresses this aspect. Therefore, it was particularly important to use a humor scale (and to test its coping effect in relation to the burden studied here) that broadly encompasses diverse facets of humor, but, at the same time, does not specifically capture the coping effects of humor (which is why, as described above, these items were excluded from the MSHS). If the hypotheses about the study were true, controlling for FGA should reduce any possible coping effect of items specifically focusing on perspective-taking. We therefore decided to develop a short scale with exactly and only this focus. There are a number of (sub)scales that capture the coping effect of humor (including several scales that include items on perspective change); however, since the goal of the study was not to examine which coping humor scales overlap, in whole or in part, with the perspective change discussed in other coping scales in general and in FGA in particular, it seemed more consistent to use a specific short scale to control for this argument. Thus, a short scale consisting of four items (“it is easy for me to take a humorous perspective”; “a humorous perspective gives me easiness in life”; “I can adopt a humorous perspective in most situations”; “I quickly succeed in adopting a humorous perspective”) was constructed by the authors. Participants indicated how much each statement applies to them (answers on a five-point scale from 1 = “does not apply at all” to 5 = “fully applies”). An exploratory factor analysis indicated that the four items all cluster on one factor (for details see Supplementary Table 2 ). Thus, a mean value was calculated for each participant. The resulting scale showed an excellent internal consistency (Cronbach's α = 0.90).

Accommodative Flexibility

To assess the accommodative flexibility as a dispositional coping resource, Brandtstädter and Renner's ( 1990 ) flexible goal adjustment (FGA) scale was used. The scale consists of 15 items that contain self-statements regarding how to deal with situations in which one's own goals or wishes are blocked or can no longer be implemented as planned (example item: “Even during great distress, I often still find a meaning in life”). Participants indicated how much each statement applies to them (answers on a five-point scale from 1 = “does not apply at all” to 5 = “fully applies”). Considering the polarity of the items, a mean value was calculated for each participant. In the present study the internal consistency of the scale was excellent (Cronbach's α = 0.91).

Self-Esteem

The German version of the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale (RSES; Rosenberg, 1965 ; German version by Ferring and Filipp, 1996 ) was used to measure the participants' global self-esteem. It consists of 10 self-evaluating-statements (example item: “I possess a number of good qualities”). For each statement, the participants indicated how much it applies to them (from 1 = “does not apply at all” to 4 = “fully applies”). Considering the polarity of the items, a mean value was calculated for each participant. The scale showed an excellent internal consistency (Cronbach's α = 0.93).

Life-Satisfaction

The German version of the Satisfaction with Life Scale (SWLS; Diener et al., 1985 ; German version by Janke and Glöckner-Rist, 2014 ) was used to measure life satisfaction in the context of the theory of subjective well-being (Diener, 1984 ). According to this theory satisfaction with life is a multifactorial construct with affective and cognitive components. The scale consists of five statements (example item: “I am satisfied with my life.”), for each of which the participants indicate on a seven-point scale to what extent it applies to them (1 = “does not apply at all,” 7 = “applies completely”). To create a scale all values were summed up for each participant. In the present study the internal consistency of the scale was excellent (Cronbach's α = 0.91).

Analytic Strategy

All analyses were performed using JASP (JASP Team, 2020 ). In a first step descriptive statistics of main study variables, group comparisons (participants that experienced unrequited love in the past vs. participants that are currently unhappy in love) and bivariate correlations were calculated to check whether there were any abnormalities in the distribution and expression of the variables that would have to be considered in the following hypothesis tests.

To test the first hypothesis that humor moderates the relationship between the burden of unrequited love and well-being (such that higher levels of humor are associated with a weaker negative relationship between indicators of burden and well-being), multiple regression analyses were performed. Since the study applied two different measures of humor (MSHS and HCOP), two different indicators of burden (actuality of experience and subjective burden due to unrequited love), and two different indicators of well-being (self-esteem and satisfaction with life), a total of eight different regression analyses were calculated as follows: The respective indicator of well-being was regressed on one indicator of burden, one indicator of humor and their interaction at one time (all continuous variables forming interaction terms were mean-centered before they were used in the analyses). This procedure was performed in the same way for all indicator combinations. If the moderator hypothesis is correct, the interaction-term of burden * humor should be a statistically significant predictor of the indicator of well-being used in that model. As recommended by Aiken and West ( 1991 ), statistically significant interactions were probed using simple slope analyses to further examine the directionality of the moderation. To do so, additional slopes for values of the used indicator of humor one SD below and above the sample's mean were calculated and tested against zero. All results were considered to be statistically significant when p < 0.05.

To address the second hypothesis regarding the role of perspective change for humor functioning as a coping-resource, the eight regression models for testing the first hypothesis were extended as hierarchical regression models by a step in which FGA was added as a covariate in the model. If the moderation effect is driven primarily by aspects of humor similar to those captured in the measure of the ability to flexibly change perspectives, the addition of this variable as a covariate should result in the interaction term no longer being a statistically significant predictor of the respective indicator of well-being. If the interaction term remains a statistically significant predictor in this model, it would suggest that also other (possibly more specific) aspects of humor are relevant to the coping effect that are not captured via the FGA measure. Again, statistically significant interactions were followed by simple slope analyses following the pattern already described for testing the first hypothesis. All results were considered to be statistically significant when p < 0.05.

Descriptive Statistics, Bivariate Correlations, and Group Comparisons

Means, standard deviations, minimum, and maximum values of relevant study variables as well as bivariate correlations are shown in Table 1 . Because application of the Shapiro-Wilk test revealed that all study variables were not normally distributed (all p < 0.002, a visual inspection as well as the calculation of skewness showed that most variables were distributed more or less to the right, −0.788 < Skewness < −0.450), Spearman's rank correlation coefficient was chosen to measure correlation. Both measures indicating burden of unrequited love (actuality of experience and subjective burden due to unrequited love) showed weak to moderate negative associations with the two indicators of subjective well-being (self-esteem and satisfaction with life, r s range from −0.239 to −0.359, all p < 0.01). Both measures of humor where moderately associated with each other ( r s = 0.666, p < 0.001) and (to a somewhat lesser extent) with the two indicators of well-being ( r s range from 0.385 to 0.422, all p < 0.001). A similar pattern could be observed for FGA: even slightly stronger correlations with the two indicators of subjective well-being were obtained (self-esteem: r s = 0.616, satisfaction with life: r s = 0.649, both p < 0.001). The two operationalizations of humor were differentially associated with flexible goal adjustment. As expected, the association for MSHS was slightly lower ( r s = 0.337, p < 0.001) than for HCOP ( r s = 0.491, p < 0.001).

Means, standard deviations, minimum, maximum, and bivariate correlations of main study variables.

AEUL, actual experience of unrequited love (0 = no, 1 = yes); SBUL, subjective burden by unrequited love; RSES, Rosenberg self-esteem scale; SWLS, satisfaction with life scale; MSHS, Multidimensional Sense of Humor Scale; HCOP, Humorous Change of Perspective; FGA, Flexible Goal Adjustment; r s , Spearman's rank correlation coefficient .

For a more detailed comparison of the subsamples with current vs. past experience of unrequited love, subgroup medians were compared using the Mann-Whitney- U -test (assumptions for an independent t -test were not met), exact results are presented in Table 2 . In summary, the two subgroups differ regarding the main level of all main study variables except subjective burden due to unrequited love. Irrespective of whether participants provided information regarding a current or past unrequited love, they reported similar levels of burden on average. Regarding the indicators of well-being participants referring to an actual experience reported lower levels than participants referring to a past experience. In terms of coping resources, those currently unhappy in love also report less humor (both operationalizations) and less flexible goal adjustment than those with the experience lying in the past.

Location parameters of the main study variables for the subsamples with actual and past experience of unrequited love compared by Mann-Whitney-U-Test.

n(actual) = 44, n(past) = 104; SBUL, subjective burden by unrequited love; RSES, Rosenberg self-esteem scale; SWLS, satisfaction with life scale; MSHS, Multidimensional Sense of Humor Scale; HCOP, Humorous Change of Perspective; FGA, Flexible Goal Adjustment .

Humor as a Moderator of the Relationship Between the Burden of Unrequited Love and Subjective Well-Being

Detailed results of the multiple regression analyses for self-esteem as an indicator of well-being and criterium in the analyses are presented in Table 3 (MSHS as indicator of humor) and Table 4 (HCOP as indicator of humor). Results for satisfaction with life as indicator of well-being and criterium in the regression analyses parallel these findings and can be found in Supplementary Tables 3 , 4 . Relevant for the hypothesis 1 regarding humor as a moderator is step 1 of the described hierarchical regression analyses. The main result of these analyses can be summed up as follows: In all but one analysis (Model S4: life satisfaction as criterion, subjective burden by unrequited love, and humorous change of perspective as indicator of humor, β burde n * humor = 0.081, p = 0.274), the interaction of burden * humor was a statistically significant predictor of the used indicator of well-being (Models 1–to 4 and S1–S3: β burde n * humor range from 0.180 to 0.339, all p < 0.05). Subsequent simple slope analyses to specify these statistically significant interactions all showed the same pattern (regardless of the indicators used): For expressions of humor one standard deviation above the mean, the association between psychological burden due to unrequited love and the indicator of subjective well-being disappeared; thus, burden was no longer a significant predictor of well-being in this case (β burden range from −0.130 to 0.011, p range from 0.226 to 0.945). However, for levels of humor one standard deviation below the mean, burden stayed a statistically significant predictor; thus, higher burden was associated with lower levels of well-being (β burden range from −0.482 to −0.358, all p < 0.001). A graphical representation illustrating these moderation-effects for an exemplary combination of indicators (Model 3: actuality of experience of unrequited love, humorous change of perspective, and self-esteem) is depicted in Figure 1A .

Summary of hierarchical regression analyses predicting self-esteem from burden of unrequited love (two different operationalizations) and sense of humor (measured by MSHS).

AEUL, actual experience of unrequited love (0 = no, 1 = yes); SBUL, subjective burden by unrequited love; FGA, Flexible Goal Adjustment; MSHS, Multidimensional Sense of Humor Scale; CI, confidence interval; LL, lower limit; UL, upper limit .

Summary of hierarchical regression analyses predicting self-esteem from burden of unrequited love (two different operationalizations) and Humorous Change of Perspective (measured by HCOP-Scale).

AEUL, actual experience of unrequited love (0 = no, 1 = yes); SBUL, subjective burden by unrequited love; FGA, Flexible Goal Adjustment; HCOP, Humorous Change of Perspective; CI, confidence interval; LL, lower limit; UL, upper limit .

Visualization of moderation effects (Data of Model 3): Predicting Self-esteem (RSES) from actuality of unrequited love (AEUL) and Humorous Change of Perspective (HCOP) (A) step 1: no covariate considered in the model (B) step 2: Flexible Goal Adjustment (FGA) added as covariate in the model, the figure displays results for FGA fixed to the current sample's mean value.

Humor as a Possible Coping Resource Beyond Accommodative Flexibility

The effect of adding FGA as a covariate in the multiple regression analyses (addressing hypothesis 2) can be seen in the results of the second step of the hierarchical regression analyses documented in Tables 3 , ​ ,4 4 (for self-esteem as criterium) and Supplementary Tables 3 , 4 (results for satisfaction with life as criterion). Results differed regarding what indicator of humor was used. For all four models using MSHS as an indicator of humor, the interaction of burden * humor was no longer a statistically significant predictor of the respective indicator of well-being (Models 1, 2, S1, S2: β burde n * humor range from 0.006 to 0.121, p range from 0.062 to 0.921). However, for HCOP in all but one analysis (Model S4: the model, that did not provide a statistically significant interaction without controlling for FGA either, β burde n * humor = −0.010, p = 0.871), the interaction of burden * humor stayed a statistically significant predictor of the used indicator of well-being (Models 3, 4, S3: β burde n * humor range from 0.129 to 0.241, all p < 0.05). Again, subsequent simple slope analyses were performed to specify these statistically significant interactions. They revealed nearly the same pattern observed without FGA as a covariate. For expressions of humor one standard deviation above the mean, across all three models, slopes did not statistically significant differ from zero, so for this higher level of humor, there was (like in the models without flexible goal adjustment as a covariate), no statistically significant association between the measure of burden and the indicator of well-being used (β burden range from −0.014 to 0.099, p range from 0.233 to 0.973). However, for levels of humor one standard deviation below the mean, results differed somewhat. Whilst controlling for FGA, only two out of three slopes showed a statistically significant negative value, demonstrating that for low levels of humor the experienced burden stayed a statistically significant predictor of well-being: a higher burden was associated with lower well-being (Model 3-1SD: β burden = −0.324, p < 0.001 and Model S3-1SD: β burden = −0.210, p = 0.008). For one indicator-combination (self-esteem as criterion, subjective burden by unrequited love), the slope for levels of humor one standard deviation below the mean did not reach significance (Model 4-1SD: β burden = 0.099, p = 0.233). So, in this model, adding flexible goal adjustment into the model lead to a statistically non-significant association of burden and well-being even for a lower level of humor. Again, a graphical representation of the moderation in models that entail flexible goal adjustment as a covariate is depicted in Figure 1B for an exemplary combination of indicators (Model 3: actuality of experience of unrequited love, HCOP, and self-esteem).

The present study had two aims. First, it attempted to replicate the coping effect of humor with respect to a previously unstudied burden: unrequited love as a prototypical example of the experience of blocking of a personally highly important goal. The findings confirm (and replicate) that humor—across two different operationalizations—moderates the relationship between burdens associated with unrequited love and psychological well-being: individuals with higher humor scores had a less pronounced correlation between objective and subjective indicators of this burden and indicators of subjective quality of life, in particular, the sense of self-esteem that plausibly is specifically threatened by unrequited love, but also life satisfaction. These results agree with a number of earlier studies (with respect to a variety of other burdens), demonstrating the buffering effect of humor.

Second, it was examined to which extent this alleviative effect of humor can be attributed to perspective change as a general capacity [i.e., constitutive both for humor and for (other) forms of coping]. For this purpose, we controlled for the effect of a coping resource whose buffering effect is specifically explained by perspective change. With respect to this hypothesis, the findings of the present study depend on the way by which humor was assessed. On the one hand, we found that the burden alleviating effect of the facets addressed by the MSHS (production, social uses, and attitudes toward humor) no longer reached statistical significance once FGA was controlled for. This indicates that at least substantial parts of these facets of humor share similarities with the adaptive processes that are captured by the FGA scale; actually, the bivariate correlation between MSHS and FGA is r = 0.337 (see also Thomsen, 2016 ). It is important to note here that we explicitly excluded the items of the MSHS that is particularly intended to capture the coping effect of humor. This pattern of results seems to suggest that individual use of and a positive attitude toward humor are associated with facets of accommodative coping.

On the other hand, with respect to the Humorous Change of Perspective (HCOP) scale (which we constructed precisely to capture the perspective change facet in humor), we however found that, somewhat contrary to our expectations, the buffering effects of humor on the relationship between the burden of unrequited love and self-esteem or life satisfaction remained largely unchanged after controlling for perspective change (as captured in the FGA scale). Since the bivariate correlation between FGA and HCOP was (as reported above) relatively high ( r = 0.491), it is likely that HCOP actually has a considerable intersection with FGA. However, the present results seem to indicate that the particular aspect of humorous perspective change captured by the HCOP that contributes to its moderating effect is not fully entailed in the FGA scale. There are several explanations for this pattern of results. Either FGA is effective due to a different facet of its alleviative effect on goal blocking (at least with respect to this particular goal blocking), or change of perspective is not essential for humor (broadly understood), or the change of perspective essential for humor contains another (“own”) facet of change of perspective that is not contained in FGA. It is possible, however, that this pattern of results is caused—at least in part—by the (disputable) validity of the HCOP scale. Several coping humor scale have been published in the literature, some of which also comprise humorous perspective taking (e.g., Martin and Lefcourt, 1983 ; Ruch et al., 1996 ; Martin et al., 2003 ; Ruch and Heintz, 2016 ); thus, subsequent studies could investigate whether our results can be replicated (or differentiated) utilizing at least some of these scales (or subscales). Given the result that the MSHS coping effect waned once FGA was controlled for, we would expect mixed results for these other scales.

The need for further replication also concerns the (waning of) coping effect for MSHS: Future studies should investigate to what extent this effect can also be shown in relation to other, more differentiated humor scales (Kuiper et al., 2004 ; Cann and Collette, 2014 ; Pérez-Aranda et al., 2019 ; Ruch and Heintz, 2019 ). As the subscales of the MSHS are highly correlated, this studies used the total score; however, this prevents the investigation of differential effects of subscales. Moreover, all aspects captured in the MSHS relate exclusively to “positive” uses of humor (see Ruch and Heintz, 2016 ; Heintz et al., 2018 ; Perchtold et al., 2019 ), which precludes empirical testing of the hypothesis that the cognitive component of perspective-taking might be effective for coping independently of the (intention of) usage of humor. Third, in the context of such extension and replication studies, it would be important to consider other burdens or threats, especially those that have the character of chronic goal blockages (e.g., involuntary unemployment, chronic illness, etc.).

Finally, to more precisely test the assumptions that the ability to change perspective are important effective factors for both humor and coping, and that some forms of humor additionally show an incremental coping effect, it would be necessary to measure perspective change more directly, as we only measured this assumption indirectly in this study. Studies, which directly test the presumed underlying mental ability of perspective change, have been rare so far. With respect to cognitive (re)appraisal (for which, in turn, perspective change may be a necessary condition, as argued above), the study by Samson et al. ( 2014 ) has provided evidence that humor still has an incremental relief effect even when a “sober” re-appraisal is controlled for (see Perchtold et al., 2019 for a similar approach with respect to personality).

The replicability of the role of perspective change with regard to the coping effect of humor supports the suggestion, put forward several times (for a summary Martin, 2008 ; Ruch, 2008 ; Martin and Ford, 2018 ), that cognitive adaptation may be a central process in the coping effects of humor. However, it is important to differentiate this interpretation: If the finding of an incremental value of the HCOP should prove replicable as well, this suggests that there are aspects responsible for the moderating effect of humorous change of perspective that are not entailed in the FGA scale. One plausible interpretation of this pattern of results is that it is not primarily the perspective changing facets of FGA that are effective with respect to unrequited love. For instance, another constitutive aspect of FGA is the downgrading of the threatened goal—which is not explicitly captured in the HCOP items. At the same time, the alleviating effect of HCOP suggests that (humorous) perspective change actually is important in this respect. Of course, there are further plausible candidates which can explain the coping effects of (several forms of) humor. For instance, Martin ( 2007 ; see also Martin and Ford, 2018 ) had named emotional processes, both physiologically (laughter) and psychologically (enjoyment), as possible effective factors in addition to cognitive adaptations (see also Lefcourt et al., 1995 ).

Limitations

Several caveats should be noted with respect to the interpretation of the present findings. First, it should be noted that the present data are cross-sectional; although the cross-sectional relationships reported here can be seen as necessary conditions for (claiming) the tested hypotheses, a longitudinal replication of the present study would be particularly important in order to investigate the assumed causal relation. More importantly, future studies should experimentally vary the facets presumed to be responsible for the buffer effect of humor (for example, in intervention studies) so that causal relationships can also be properly tested.

Second, the sample of the present study is highly likely to be self-selective, possibly in two respects. On the one hand it can be assumed that individuals who experienced a past or current unrequited love as currently unburdening (because of their perspective shifting) were less motivated to participate in the study (“Why should I bother talking about my misguided illusion?”). In support of this, we found that participants who were currently unhappily in love had a lower FGA score (which might indicate such a self-selection). This could lead to an underestimation of the alleviative effect of humor through its perspective-changing aspects in the current study's sample. On the other hand, persons who are currently—or still—heavily suffering from an unrequited love may not be inclined to participate in such a study either (“It hurts to much—I'm not willing to talk about it”). This kind of selection could possibly restrict the variance both of the criterion and the moderator, and, as a consequence, could hamper the detection of the predicted patterns. This is another important argument for a longitudinal replication of the results of this study.

Third, it has not been our intention to identify one form of humor that is effective for coping—or more specifically: for coping by a change of perspective; instead, we investigated whether one essential (at least constitutive for several forms of humor) component of humor could be responsible for its general buffering effect, which presumably emerges differently in different forms of humor. This approach presumes, however, that various forms of humor (e.g., malevolent vs. benevolent) are not truly separate competencies or capacities, but rather differently composed versions of a family of basal competencies (e.g., perspective change). We have not, also for reasons of space, discussed this assumption in detail (it was implied rather than explicit in the introductory remarks). However, since this is an untested assumption, it would be particularly important to examine different forms of humor (and the corresponding forms of assessment). With respect to this very point, our decision to replicate the coping effect of humor using the MSHS unidimensionally is attackable, and certainly to be viewed as a first investigatory step. Although this usage has, arguably, a conservative effect with respect to this effect, and although the excellent internal consistency (Cronbach's α = 0.92) supports this usage, the factor analysis (as presented in the Supplementary Materials ) underscores the position that humor (as assessed by the 17 “remaining” items of the MSHS) is a heterogeneous concept. This, in turn supports the argument that it is necessary to investigate in more detail (using more differentiated and modern forms of assessment of humor) which components of humor are effective with respect to its coping effect—and which of these might rest, generally or partly, on perspective change.

Fourth, we operationalized the independent variable (burden of unrequited love) in two very different ways. First, we asked about the subjective burden of the event, second, we chose the temporal distance to the event as a (rough) estimator of burden (because empirical data show that burden decreases over time; see section Introduction). Both indicators of burden have limitations. The subjective burden (retrospectively reported for the majority of participants; n = 104) might be confounded by the very coping resources examined here (i.e., perspective change). It is thus plausible that perspective change may have already influenced the current and especially the retrospective assessment of the burden of unrequited love. In the present study, the correlation between FGA and subjective burden from unrequited love in the present study is r = −0.368. That is why we chose (in a cross-sectional study) temporal distance as a more “objective” indicator of burden. This indicator is also not entirely independent of the process under study (the more effective the available resources, the greater and/or faster the reduction of burden over time), but here, in any case, a direct confounding of the specification itself with the moderators or the dependent variables is not to be expected here. Both weaknesses in the operationalization of the independent variable are methodologically conservative in the sense that they make the interaction (buffer) effect to be tested more difficult to detect because the statistical or causal relationship between predictor and moderator might obscure the separate effect of the moderator and the interaction effect. Note, however, that the retrospective bias for the subjective burden, if it was indeed relevant for this sample, did not impair the buffering effect of humor in this relationship; this underscores the interpretation that it is not the cognitive perspective shifting component of humor alone that produces the alleviative effect of humor.

Fifth, the present study assessed the individual's ability and inclination with respect to coping-relevant perspective shifts exclusively by the Flexible Goal Adjustment questionnaire; it cannot be ruled out that other instruments that assess or entail coping-relevant perspective change might better capture—and thus partial out more effectively—this coping-significant aspect of humor as assessed by the MSHS and HCOP (With the wisdom of hindsight, it might have been more prudent to already include, on the one hand, at least one of these scales in the present study instead of developing a new and untested one. In addition, it might have been beneficial to not exclude items of the MSHS in the assessment). As discussed above, this underscores the importance of a more detailed and comparative investigation of different humor facets and their operationalization if one wants to better understand what underlies the effect of humor as a coping resource.

Conclusion and Outlook

The present study, despite its limitations, suggests, first, that the coping efficacy of humor does indeed rest, at least in part, on the adaptive (i.e., accommodative) capacities of the individual. At the same time it is worth considering that the alleviative effect of humor might be based less on the mere cognitive forms of perspective shifting, but also on other humor-specific factors that need to be determined. If these results prove to be replicable with respect to other problems or burdens that entail the blocking of important goals as well as other components of humor (beyond perspective shifting), future studies should distinguish which of these processes contribute to the coping-effect of humor. It is thus of particular importance to refer to experimental designs with respect to the burden and to the (usage of) coping processes. In addition, it would be valuable if these processes could be assessed by measures that do not rely entirely on self-report data. Since humor seems to be a useful coping resource in everyday life, this avenue of research is certainly worth pursuing—not only in terms of theoretical knowledge, but also because of the numerous possible applications, especially in the field of preventative strategies for mental health, which aims to strengthen everyday coping resources and thus promote mental well-being. For example, if future studies confirm that a change of perspective is a relevant, possibly constitutive component of both humor and coping, training program with respect to perspective change (at an early age), perhaps in analogy to creativity training, could be a functional preventive approach in several respects, especially when faced with problems and challenges that cannot be solved by strategic action. This, of course, requires not only more specific knowledge about the developmental conditions and supportability of an individual's ability to change perspective, but above all the replication and differentiated examination of the findings presented here.

Data Availability Statement

Ethics statement.

The studies involving human participants were reviewed and approved by Ethics Committee of the Faculty of Educational and Social Sciences, University of Hildesheim. The patients/participants provided their written informed consent to participate in this study.

Author Contributions

The present study was planned by JH and WG. The study was conducted by JH. The results were analyzed by FR and JH, the first draft of the method and results sections were written by FR. The first draft of the introduction and the discussion were written by WG. All authors contributed to all parts of the text and agree to be countable on this study and paper.

Conflict of Interest

The authors declare that the research was conducted in the absence of any commercial or financial relationships that could be construed as a potential conflict of interest.

1 We used the MSHS (Thorson and Powell, 1993 ) and the SHQ-6-R (Svebak, 2010 ; see also Martin and Ford, 2018 ) as well as a self-constructed scale. Due to inconsistencies in the implementation of the response format, the SHQ-6-R could not be properly evaluated. However, the results of the other two scales are reported here in full.

Supplementary Material

The Supplementary Material for this article can be found online at: https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.653900/full#supplementary-material

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Unrequited love, flirting and non-moral resentment.

1. Introduction

2. unrequited love, the lack of responsibility of the loved one and the right way for the loving person to deal with their love.

“For this reason, the interpretation that I propose is that Ashley fails to optimally benefit Scarlett. Scarlett resents Ashley for failing to benefit her in the particular way in which she wants him to benefit her, by not displaying an optimally positive attitude towards her; I submit that, under this description, her resentment looks not merely unjustified, but positively objectionable, especially if he cannot choose to benefit her optimally” [ 2 ]. (p. 493)

“In the particular case which is unrequited love, it seems attractive to say that part of harm—being unloved—wasn’t caused by any agent. To the extent to which there is no agent who is either morally or causally responsible for the harm, there is also no target of appropriate resentment (much like in the case of the wind destroying my garden). But another part of the harm of unrequited love, emotional suffering, is caused be the victims themselves, by their failure to control their hopes, beliefs and expectations; if so, they can be held causally responsible for some of the suffering they experience. To the extent to which the harm is self-inflicted, the only appropriate target of resentment is the victim herself, and the basis of resentment is that, by failing to remove oneself from the harm’s way, one failed to take proper care of oneself” [ 2 ]. (p. 497)

“When we put conditions on successful gifting by allowing for justified resentment if the gift receiver fails to display a particular attitude, we are not in fact giving gifts but making a bid for an exchange: I love you so that you love me back” [ 2 ]. (p. 498)

3. Flirting and Flirtatious Behavior

„After all, Ashley recognises he is a bit infatuated with her, and maybe his infatuation has shown; maybe he neglectfully encouraged Scarlett to fall in love with him. If so, then Ashley really is an appropriate target of Scarlett’s resentment, but of the moralised rather than of the tragic kind: in this case, Ashley has wronged Scarlett by provoking her love while knowing he will not be able, or willing, to reciprocate” 4 [ 2 ]. (p. 493)

“The distinction between courtship initiation and quasi-courtship appears to lie not in flirting behaviors per se but rather in the motivations that generate those behaviors. Sexually motivated flirting behaviors are courtship initiating; behaviors with no sexual intent are quasi-courtship” [ 7 ]. (p. 481)

“First, the flirter should act with the intention to do things which are disposed to raise flirter-flirtee romance and/or sex to salience for the flirtee, in a knowing yet playful manner. Second, he or she should believe that the flirtee can respond in some significant way” [ 8 ]. (p. 18)

4. Flirting and the Emergence of Unrequited Love

“Because Ashley does not owe Scarlett love, he does not owe her an excuse for not loving her, either. Yet this does not mean that Ashley does not bear some kind of responsibility for his attitude to Scarlett and for its effect on her” [ 3 ]. (p. 1183)

“The perspective that rejection in love involves subcortical reward gain/loss systems critical to survival helps to explain why feelings and behaviors related to romantic rejection are difficult to control and lends insight into the high cross-cultural rates of stalking, homicide, suicide, and clinical depression associated with rejection in love” [ 12 ]. (p. 59)

5. Actors of Flirting

“I have defined flirting as a conversational game involving two moves: push moves, which involve presupposing an intimacy that does not yet exist, and pull moves, which involve playfully pretending to block those presuppositions. As flirters perform rallies of these moves, they gradually increase the intimacy between them through a process which philosophers of language call accommodation” [ 14 ]. (p. 11)

6. Love as a Gift, Flirting as an Exchange?

7. conclusions, data availability statement, conflicts of interest.

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Share and Cite

Schweiger, G. Unrequited Love, Flirting and Non-Moral Resentment. Philosophies 2024 , 9 , 120. https://doi.org/10.3390/philosophies9040120

Schweiger G. Unrequited Love, Flirting and Non-Moral Resentment. Philosophies . 2024; 9(4):120. https://doi.org/10.3390/philosophies9040120

Schweiger, Gottfried. 2024. "Unrequited Love, Flirting and Non-Moral Resentment" Philosophies 9, no. 4: 120. https://doi.org/10.3390/philosophies9040120

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Unrequited Love, Self-victimisation and the Target of Appropriate Resentment

• Published: 21 April 2021
• Volume 25 , pages 487–499, ( 2021 )

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• Anca Gheaus   ORCID: orcid.org/0000-0002-5364-1026 1  

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In “Tragedy and Resentment” Ulrika Carlsson claims that there are cases when we are justified in feeling non-moral resentment against someone who harms us without wronging us, when the harm either consists in their attitude towards us or in the emotional suffering triggered by their attitudes. Since they had no duty to protect us from harm, the objectionable attitude is not disrespect but a failure to show love, admiration, or appreciation for us. I explain why unrequited love is the wrong example to use when arguing for the possibility of justified non-moral resentment—and why, therefore, Carlsson’s claim remains unsubstantiated. Pace Carlsson, people who fail to return our love are not best described as harming us, but as merely failing to benefit us by saving us from harm. Moreover, their role in the causal chain that results in our coming to harm is insufficient to warrant our resentment; more plausibly, we ourselves play a greater and more direct causal role in this process. This is a welcome result: Responding with (non-moral) resentment to someone’s failure to return our love indicates that our love has not taken the form of a genuine gift. When we put conditions on successful gifting by allowing for justified resentment if the gift is not returned we are not in fact giving gifts but making a bid for an exchange: I love you so that you love me back.

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Love, Motivation, and Reasons: The Case of the Drowning Wife

Remorse and Self-love: Kostelnička’s Change of Heart

Another’s punishment cleanses the self: evidence for a moral cleansing function of punishing transgressors.

This is my reconstruction of Carlsson’s thesis, followed, on the next page, by my reconstruction of her argument for her thesis.

I am grateful to Jake Wojtowicz for drawing my attention to the fact that Carlsson’s claim is open to two different interpretations. The two interpretations are not mutually exclusive.

Wolf’s theory of this kind of responsibility may be controversial. I don’t take a stand on the soundness of this view, nor on the accuracy of Carlsson’s interpretation of it. My aim here is to evaluate Carlsson’s own view. My major concerns in this paper are not related to identity-responsibility.

This could mean that there is an agent of justice that is called to do something to ameliorate the situation: For instance, states may bear a duty to create the conditions in which romantic love can flourish, such as ensuring that all are educated, from a young age, about the virtues and perils of personal relationships; and that people have sufficient free time to dedicate to the cultivation of loving relationships. In addition, it may mean that states bear a duty to create social environments sufficiently inclusive to optimise the chances that everybody is able to give and receive romantic love (Brownlee 2020 ; Gheaus 2017 ). But it could also mean that we are dealing with a failure of justice understood in a purely evaluative sense, as the description of a state of affairs, rather than in a directly normative sense—that is, as generating a duty for a particular agent (Gheaus 2013 ).

Although, arguably, there can be a breach of duty if the reason for failing to return love is an objectionable attitude towards the lover. For instance, suppose the beloved was inclined to reciprocate, but that would not allow themselves to reciprocate because the lover is black and the beloved is racist. I am open to the possibility that in this case the beloved is in breach of a duty—but it consists in their specific reason for resisting love, rather than in the mere lack of reciprocation. Alfred Archer kindly drew my attention to this possibility.

This account is in line with the our frequent employment of a moralised concept of harm. It is intuitive to say that harm can be inflicted by the mere failure to act when it is morally required to bestow that benefit, and, at the same time, to resist the claim that harm can be inflicted by blamelessly failing to act. Imagine that a small child in a mall runs away from her father, who is distracted by a gadget. A passer-by notices, but fails to run after the child and return her to her father. The child gets lost and is terribly scared: she suffers harm. On any of the currently endorsed conceptions of harm (Rabenberg 2015 ) it is counter-intuitive to say that the passer-by harmed the child. But it is intuitive to say that the child has been harmed by her father, who had a duty to look after her. The reason why it seems proper to say that the father has harmed the child is that he owed the child protection from that particular harm.

There can be cases where the lack of reciprocation of romantic love is motivated by the appreciation, and unwillingness to jeopardise, an existing relationship—a friendship for example. Such cases show that failures to reciprocate love can express an optimally positive attitude, assuming that the beloved, in this case, sees the risk to an existing friendships as coming entirely from their inability to sustain romantic relationships. (Granted, this is not Ashley’s case.) Thank you to Alfred Archer for noting this possibility.

This is a big “if”, since the notion of causation by omission puzzles philosophers. See, for instance, Dowe ( 2010 ).

For a detailed and critical account of not only the Stoic’s, but also other hellenistic philosophy schools’s, take on how to acquire control over one’s emotions, see Nussbaum ( 1994 ).

For different concepts of causation in assessing causal responsibility see Blustein ( 1997 ).

This is not to deny the stoic point. Wellbeing here is to be understood as not mere absence of suffering. And the fact that my life goes better for me in one way if my gift is well-received does not contradict the belief that my suffering at having my gift turned down would depend on my interpretation of this fact. Further, some people seem able to love others without becoming vulnerable in this way. I leave aside the question of whether such love is better than the regular, vulnerable kind.

On why genuine—that is, disinterested—love is not conditional on being reciprocated, see Sara Protasi ( 2014 : 218) and Pilar Lopez-Cantero ( 2018 : 691); both discussions concern, specifically, cases of unrequited love. Love can remain unconditional even if it is not entirely freely given in the sense outlined above; but attaching the penalty of resentment to a failure to return one’s love pollutes the ideal gift-like unconditionality of love.

Blustein, Jeffrey. 1997. Procreation and Parental Responsibility. Journal of Social Philosophy. 28(2): 79–86.

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Acknowledgements

I am grateful to James Lenman, Alfred Archer, Fiona Woollard, Jake Wojtowicz and an anonymous reviewer for helpful feed-back on earlier drafts of this paper.

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Gheaus, A. Unrequited Love, Self-victimisation and the Target of Appropriate Resentment. J Ethics 25 , 487–499 (2021). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10892-021-09368-0

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Issue Date : December 2021

DOI : https://doi.org/10.1007/s10892-021-09368-0

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Themes of Marriage & Love in Literature: Examples & Quotes

Have you ever loved? Even if you haven’t, you’ve seen it in countless movies, heard about it in songs, and read about it in some of the greatest books in world literature.

If you want to find out more about love as a literary theme, you came to the right place. In this article by Custom-Writing.org , we will examine love’s different manifestations. We’ll also look into the concept of marriage, closely connected with the theme of love.

• 💕 Love in Literature: Definition & History
• 💑 Types of Love Themes
• 💎 Marriage in Literature
• Pride and Prejudice
• Wuthering Heights
• The Great Gatsby

🔍 References

💕 theme of love in literature: definition & history.

Love as a literary theme deals with relationships between people based on affection or desire. It’s a fundamental component of many literary works and one of the most prominent themes in art.

It’s not surprising that people find it universally relatable and infinitely compelling. We come across the theme of love in many genres, but it is mainly associated with medieval and classic romance literature.

Medieval Romance Literature Characteristics

Medieval romance literature, as we understand it, dates back to 12th-century France. Chivalry was the centerpiece of most romances, and it was, of course, accompanied by love.

Courtly Love Definition

Courtly love is the central concept of medieval romance. Why was it so important? Well, the essence of chivalry did not boil down to being brave and masterful in battle. More critical was the knight’s dedication and reverence to his lady, as well as unswerving allegiance to his friends and the king. This devotion of a knight to a lady is called courtly love.

Interestingly, it didn’t matter whether the parties were married or not. According to Medieval Life and Times, one of the rules of courtly love stated that “ Marriage is no real excuse for not loving .”

Tragedy was also present in chivalric romances. A great example is Thomas Malory’s Le Morte d’Arthur . Lancelot and Queen Guinevere’s doomed affair couldn’t end in any other way but grievous.

Classic Romance Novels

As you may have guessed, romance novels focus on romantic relationships. For centuries, people have been finding escape in the fictional world of love with its hardships, obstacles, and high emotional stakes, usually resulting in weddings.

There are a few subgenres of a classic romance novel. The most prominent ones are those listed below. 

Regency Romance

The 19th century was the most fruitful period for this type of novel. It is represented by authors like Jane Austen and Georgette Heyer .

Gothic Novels

This subgenre is characterized by drama, gloom, a hint of the supernatural, and a remote, secluded setting. All of these characteristics can be found in the Brontë sisters’ most notable works Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights .

Fantasy Novels

This type can be reminiscent of chivalric romances. It mixes magical elements with noble characters and intertwines fantasy with romance.

💑 Types of Love Themes in Literature

Have you ever wondered why there’s no one concise explanation of what love is? One of the main reasons is that there certainly isn’t just one type of love. Instead, there are many, and in some languages, there are even separate words for them .

What exactly are these types? Well, examples may include romantic, platonic, unrequited, forbidden, and familial love. Since there are so many variations, there must be just as many corresponding plots, each with distinctive features. Let’s talk about them.

Definition of Romantic Love in Literature

Romantic love in literature is a feeling of intense affection and desire of one character for another. It usually implies intimate relationships between those involved and is distinguished by intensity, idealization, and passion.

Romantic love has a ubiquitous presence across all arts and not just literature. It has been pivotal in shaping our culture and understanding interpersonal relationships. Since it’s been around for so long, it’s hard to tell whether it evolved naturally and found its way into art or was born as a literary construct that found its way into our lives.

Platonic Love vs. Romantic Love Themes

Platonic love is synonymous with friendship and is never physically intimate. In contrast, romantic love involves friendship as well as intimacy, usually culminating in sexual contact. Both types play an important role in people’s lives and can be great literary material.

Unrequited Love Stories

Unrequited love is the romantic feeling that is not reciprocated. The dreaded state of not being loved back has been the source of inspiration for numerous literary works.

There is no unanimous consensus on whether unrequited love is good or bad for a person. Compare these two instances:

• If we look back at the chivalric romance novels, we will see that unrequited love was the source of motivation and a call to action. It required a knight to perform all kinds of heroic deeds to prove his love to a lady. In this, they found the meaning of life.
• In contrast, works such as Goethe’s The Sorrows of Young Werther depict a situation far removed from the 12th century’s image of knightly devotion. Young Werther’s unrequited love is the epitome of sorrow, leading to his untimely end.

Love Triangle Stories

In love triangle stories, there are at least three main characters—a hero and two suitors. The hero has to choose between the two lovers, resulting in either one or three broken hearts. Whatever the outcome is, it’s never a win-win situation.

Famous Love Triangles in Literature

• Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen . Written in 1813, it tells about the slowly developing affair between Elizabeth Bennet and Mr.Darcy, with Wickham serving as the third party in the triangle.
• Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë . Heavily influenced by Gothic fiction, this sad, cheerless book talks about a troubled relationship between Heathcliff, Catherine, and her husband Edgar, which is bound to end in disaster.
• The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald . This one is the story of a man who refuses to give up on the desire to reconnect with the married woman he once called his own.

Forbidden Love Stories

Forbidden love in literature is characterized by an almost immediate attraction between characters. But, like in Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet , the idyllic picture is blurred by an obligatory obstacle on the way to perfect love, such as: 

• Religious restrictions
• “Us vs. Them” mentality

Familial Love in Literature

A familial kind of love is cultivated within a family unit. It is rooted in trust, commitment, affection, and loyalty, regardless whether you are connected to your family members by blood or not. This kind of love is distinctively different from others. It doesn’t include the same level of intimacy as in romance, but it doesn’t take away from the deep connection, friendship, and trust.

Familial love is fertile soil for writers. The 19th-century heart-warming classic Little Women by Louisa May Alcott may be one of the most splendid examples of family love portrayal in literature. Another example is the 21st-century post-apocalyptic novel The Road by Cormac McCarthy .

💎 Stories of Marriage in Literature

Much like in real life, marriage in literature has many faces. Some stories portray happily married people exuding joy, while others are depictions of deep sorrow. Marriage can be a source of bliss, but at times it gets corrupted by oppression and patriarchy. As Leo Tolstoy told us in Anna Karenina , “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

• A happy story will most likely end in an equally happy marriage. The main characters will inevitably possess key features that make them perfect for each other.
• Tragic stories usually look at experienced couples battling marital problems. It’s often connected with the issue of appearance vs. reality. We all have an idea of a happy family, and people try to stick to it no matter what. However, only they can see what goes on behind closed doors. It may be an issue of jealousy, untrusting or untrustworthy spouses, disrespectful attitudes, and downright boredom.

Happy Marriage Stories

So, what are those key factors of a happy marriage that we have mentioned? There are a few popular ones that you are likely to encounter in literature, as well as in reality:

• Mutual respect. By default, love should come with mutual appreciation. Otherwise, it is no love at all.
• Support. A loving husband or wife will stand behind their spouse’s decision. It’s a logical outcome of respect.
• Partnership. Decisions are made together, and responsibility is divided between the two.
• Room to evolve. Nothing holds you back from becoming the best version of yourself.   

Loveless Marriage Stories

Loveless marriage stories are abundant in world literature. Some can be a result of people misinterpreting their feelings for one another. Others come as an tragic result of an arrangement. Since arranged marriages are made with money and status in mind rather than love and respect, it is no wonder they fall apart.

Married but in Love with Someone Else

One of the types of an unhappy marriage is when the protagonist is married and in love. But—plot twist—they have feelings for someone other than their spouse. It is closely connected with the love triangle theme and often results in adultery and a tragic ending, like in Anna Karenina or Gustave Flaubert’s Madame Bovary . This type of story can also tell about two characters in love with one another but married to someone else.

📚 Marriage and Love Themes in Literature: Examples & Quotes

Seeing that love and marriage are so prevalent in fiction, there is no shortage of examples and quotes we can share with you.

Love in Pride and Prejudice

No conversation about love is complete without mentioning Pride and Prejudice by the English novelist Jane Austen. Love comes in many forms in this masterpiece.

Let’s have a look at a few of them. 

A Love Triangle

When you think of a love triangle story, Pride and Prejudice is probably not the first one that comes to mind. Nevertheless, there are a few of them in the book. The main one is the Darcy-Elizabeth-Wickham triangle. Elizabeth is attracted to both men at various points in time, and both are attracted to her.

Romantic Love

Indeed, there are plenty of characters who are romantically involved. Darcy-Elizabeth and Lydia-Wickham are the most prominent couples.

Familial Love

A lot can be said about the relationships and the family love in the Bennet family. And while not all of them are good, there are some positive examples. The main one is the sisterly love between the Bennet girls, especially between Elizabeth and Jane, who share the closest bond.

Theme of Marriage in Pride and Prejudice

Much like the theme of love, the marriage theme is equally nonuniform in Pride and Prejudice . We see both positive and negative examples of relationships built on very different things:

• Lydia and Wickham. “ A disaster waiting to happen” would be a good description of Lydia’s elopement with Wickham. He doesn’t love her, and she is not sure of her feelings but hopes for marriage. While Darcy and Elizabeth eventually develop a true love for each other, the relationships between Lydia and Wickham are built on the prospects of Wickham getting away from debt.
• The Gardiner family . A great contrast to Mr. and Mrs. Bennet, the Gardiners are well-intended, intelligent, and reasonable people who play a key role in Elizabeth and Darcy’s blooming relationship. Mr. Gardiner, being Mrs. Bennet’s brother, is portrayed as someone drastically different from his sister. The relationships between the Gardiners are also more mature and respectful than those of the Bennet couple.

Eager to learn more about the novel and its themes? Check out our analysis of Pride and Prejudice .

Pride and Prejudice: Love Quotes

No one is better at portraying the relationships in a novel than its author. Here are a few most famous quotes about love, which show the true feelings of the well-known characters, from Jane Austen herself:

She began now to comprehend that he was exactly the man who, in disposition and talents, would most suit her. His understanding and temper, though unlike her own, would have answered all her wishes. It was a union that must have been to the advantage of both: by her ease and liveliness, his mind might have been softened, his manners improved; and from his judgement, information, and knowledge of the world, she must have received benefit of greater importance. Pride and Prejudice, Chapter 50

In vain, have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you. Pride and Prejudice, Chapter 34

Oh, Lizzy! do anything rather than marry without affection. Pride and Prejudice, Chapter 59

Love in Wuthering Heights

This timeless classic by Emily Bronte is also not on the list of novels with a happy ending. Nevertheless, it’s a gift that keeps on giving: love is abundant here, but it’s also very different. Let’s have a look at the shapes it takes in Wuthering Heights :

• The love between Catherine and Heathcliff — the two main characters—is not the typical romantic attachment we’re used to seeing in films and novels. It is passionate but obsessive , destructive , and filled to the brim with jealousy . There is no happy ending when two people can neither be together nor apart. The situation is further convoluted by the societal prejudice of the time, Heathcliff’s troublesome and vengeful nature, and Catherine’s desire to rise through the ranks of society.
• There’s also love between Catherine and Edgar —the man she eventually marries and has a daughter with. Edgar, being very different from Heathcliff, treats Catherine with affection and tenderness . He is not tormented by social class inequality and lack of money. While he’s weaker and softer in personality than Heathcliff, he can give Catherine the status that she desires. Unfortunately, none of this can bring Catherine true love.

Theme of Marriage in Wuthering Heights

Catherine’s love triangle between hetself, Heathcliff, and Edgar makes her face a painful choice: to surrender to her love for forever agonizing Heathcliff, a man of lowly background, or to marry an affectionate man of much higher class.

At one point, Catherine declares: “I am Heathcliff!” meaning that their identities are so alike that they’re essentially one person; they share a soul. But in the same conversation, she admits that marrying Heathcliff would “degrade” her.

On the contrary, marrying Edgar Linton can lift her up. She hopes that his money will help not only her but also her soulmate, Heathcliff. In her eagerness to preserve both relationships and get the best of both worlds, Catherine chooses to marry Edgar. This selfish act drives Heathcliff away and later proves to be a tragic mistake.

Feel free to read our Wuthering Heights summary to learn more about the novel’s plot.

Wuthering Heights: Love Quotes

To better understand the tragic torment of the main characters in this outstanding gothic novel, let’s take a look at a few quotes:

He shall never know I love him: and that, not because he’s handsome, but because he’s more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made out of, his and mine are the same. Wuthering Heights , Chapter 9

Catherine Earnshaw, may you not rest as long as I am living. You said I killed you–haunt me then. The murdered do haunt their murderers. I believe–I know that ghosts have wandered the earth. Be with me always–take any form–drive me mad. Only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! Oh, God! It is unutterable! I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul! Wuthering Heights , Chapter 16

If he loved with all the powers of his puny being, he couldn’t love as much in eighty years as I could in a day. Wuthering Heights , Chapter 14

Theme of Love in The Great Gatsby

The Great Gatsby is a story of pain, longing, and obsession . The love triangle here is somewhat reminiscent of the one in Wuthering Heights . Jay Gatsby and Daisy are in love, Jay goes to war, and Daisy marries Tom Buchanan, breaking Gatsby’s heart upon his return five years later.

What might appear as a choice between two lovers really is a choice between love and prestige:

• Jay Gatsby , being the nouveau riche, can only offer Daisy his imperfect version of love.
• Tom Buchanan can offer safety, status, and endless money for her wishes.

Daisy shows her true colors when she chooses Tom and, by association, wealth and security.

Unfortunately, Gatsby cannot give up on the idea of having Daisy all to himself. He finds it difficult to accept that the last piece of the perfect puzzle that constitutes his dream is missing. This unreadiness to come to terms with defeat is what ultimately destroys the Great Gatsby.

Marriage in The Great Gatsby

As we’ve already mentioned, Daisy marries Tom not because she’s in love with him. Their marriage is loveless. Her glittering persona hides superficiality, and she doesn’t suffer much when making her choice. Let’s see why.

The main issue here is that of old vs. new money . Jay represents new money obtained through shady ways. Tom is old money , which is undeniably more powerful, alluring, and prestigious. And that’s the main reason why Daisy chooses in Tom’s favor.

You will find even more info in our article on The Great Gatsby characters . Check it out!

The Great Gatsby: Love Quotes

Here’s how F.S. Fitzgerald conveyed the theme of love and obsession in The Great Gatsby :

He hadn’t once ceased looking at Daisy, and I think he revalued everything in his house according to the measure of response it drew from her well-loved eyes. Sometimes, too, he stared around at his possessions in a dazed way, as though in her actual and astounding presence none of it was any longer real. Once he nearly toppled down a flight of stairs. The Great Gatsby , Chapter 5

He wanted nothing less of Daisy than that she should go to Tom and say: ‘I never loved you.’ After she had obliterated four years with that sentence they could decide upon the more practical measures to be taken. One of them was that, after she was free, they were to go back to Louisville and be married from her house – just as if it were five years ago. The Great Gatsby , Chapter 6

His heart beat faster and faster as Daisy’s white face came up to his own. He knew that when he kissed this girl, and forever wed his unutterable visions to her perishable breath, his mind would never romp again like the mind of God. So he waited, listening for a moment longer to the tuning-fork that had been struck upon a star. Then he kissed her. At his lips’ touch she blossomed for him like a flower and the incarnation was complete. The Great Gatsby , Chapter 6

As you can see, much has been written about love—both happy and tragic. We hope that our article inspired your interest in further exploration of the topic. Tell us about your favorite literary work about love in the comment section below!

❓ Theme of Love and Marriage FAQs

Courtly love literature speaks extensively about the cult of chivalry and knighthood. A truly chivalrous knight is kind yet brave and steadfast in battle, loyal to his king and brothers in arms, and faithful to his lady.

Catherine’s one true love is Heathcliff. She believes they are alike and considers him her only true friend. She says “yes” to Edgar’s proposal to secure her position in society and help Heathcliff but realizes she’s made a mistake when it’s too late.

Gatsby thought that he loved Daisy, but he only loved what she represented to him—a perfect life, the American dream, and wealth. He once said: “Her voice is full of money,” which clearly indicates his true feelings.

Romance in medieval literature is associated with chivalry as a set of characteristics and actions of a knight. One of the most notable examples of chivalry is found in Sir Thomas Malory’s The Death of Arthur , which is about the Knights of the Round Table.

Wuthering Heights has a lot in common with a love story, but it is also more than that. The theme of love is inseparable from that of destruction and revenge. Heathcliff seeks vengeance for his broken heart, and his disturbing love eventually becomes a dark obsession.

• The Abject Lover of the Courtly Love Era: Research Gate
• Romance: Literature and Performance: Britannica
• Love and Chivalry in the Middle Ages: British Library
• Writing 101: What Is a Romance Novel?: Masterclass
• Romantic Love: A Literary Universal?: Project MUSE
• Love in Literature: The Guardian
• Reading Remedy: Books to Help You Deal with Unrequited Love
• Family Love: What It Is, What It Looks Like, And How To Make It Happen: Better Help
• Why Family Is The One Thing Authors Will Always Write About: Huffpost
• Why the Marriage Plot Need Never Get Old: The New Yorker
• 10 Novels That Teach You Something About Marriage: Barnes and Noble
• 11 of the Worst Marriages in Literature: Electric Literature
• Lost Loves in Wuthering Heights: Georgetown University
• Daisy Buchanan: Love, Folly and Money in The Great Gatsby: The Artifice
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